Mutants of the Caribbean
by Peachy Lime Daiquiri
Summary: COMPLETE Bad title. Will be changed…sometime. So basically, our favorite (and least favorite) mutants star in PotC. Major KURTTY and Forge as The Director! Lots of Evan-bashing! Flames welcome! Rated just in case! Flames welcome! Go read it!
1. Default Chapter

Guess who's back? Me! Yeppers, here is the first chappie of MotC! YAY!! Long chappie, and lots of Evan/Scott/Ray-bashing. Fun fun fun!!!

DISCLAIMER: If life gives you lemons, for the love of all things cheesy, DON'T EAT IT!

**!NOTE!** NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED DURING THE PARODYING OF THIS PARODY. However, I cannot say the same for mutants – especially JOTT – since I haven't finished writing this parody yet. And Monkey Dude aKa Mastermind does not count as a monkey…despite the fact that I repeatedly call him Monkey Dude…and um…well, go read the cast list. And yes, parodying is a real word.

**ABOUT THE ACCENTS: **I will only be attempting Rogue's, Remy's, and Kurt's. Maybe I might horribly butcher Sam's. I dunno.

To anyone who's reading this who hasn't X Mulan, you don't have to go read it, but it'd be helpful because I'm really just picking up from there…in a weird way. This has nothing to do with Mulan, but some of the jokes from X Mulan will probably be used here. Maybe. I actually don't know, cuz I haven't written this thing yet! Warning: JOTT-bashing, as always, and Evan-bashing. Yeah, I've recently developed an intense…dislike…for little Spyke-boy. Well, anywayz, on with the monotonous explanations!

Okay, I'm back! Well, the title basically sucks; I'm still waiting for inspiration to strike me. Or one of you guys can come up with a better one! Really! Help me!!!!

Okee, here is the list of characters, with a few additions I forgot to mention in the epilogue/prologue, and a few I made up on the bus. Anywayz, here we go:

Captain Jack Sparrow – Remy LeBeau / Gambit

Will Turner – Kurt Wagner / Nightcrawler

Elizabeth Swann – Kitty Pryde / Shadowcat

Barbossa – Eric Magnus Lensherr / Magneto

Commodore Norrington – Pietro Maximoff / Quicksilver

Governor Swann – Hank McCoy / Beast

Pintell – Evan Daniels / Spyke

Ragetti – Scott Summers / Cyclops

Murtogg – Bobby Drake / Iceman

Mullroy – Sam Guthrie / Cannonball

Mr. Gibbs – Logan Howlett / Wolverine

Anamaria – Rogue

Cotton – Sabertooth

Scarlett – Jean Grey

Giselle – Tabitha Smith / Boom Boom

Lieutenant Gilette – Todd Tolanski / Toad

The Midget – Jamie Madrox / Multiple

Jack The Monkey – Jason Wyngarde

Young Elizabeth Swann – Torpid; Young Kitty Pryde

Young Will Turner – Young Kurt Wagner

_The Soldiers_ – Multiples of Mr. Madrox

_The Cursed Pirates_ – Multiples of Mr. Madrox

_The Pirates From Tortuga_ – Multiples of Mr. Madrox

The Director – Forge

The Costume/Make-up Designer – Ororo Munroe / Storm

And anyone I have forgotten (and believe me, there are quite a few) will be added in as they pop up.

Right, so let's get this started.

* * *

The scene starts with a sea…a **very** foggy sea…so foggy you could barely see that damn ship…

"Um, we're over here," Beast said.

Oh, right. So the camera flipped over about 20 feet to the right, where a ship was making its way out of the fog. There was a little girl on the deck that looked a lot like Torpid in a whatever-year-this-movie-was-set-in dress up on the bow, singing a pirate song.

Wait a minute.

"Torpid can't talk," Evan pointed out.

"Right," Forge said. "Jamie, come over here."

Jamie came running over. "Whatcha want, Mr. Forge?" he asked cheerfully. Forge handed him a microphone. "Say WHAT?!"

"I didn't say anything," Forge said.

"You just did," Jamie pointed out.

"Yeah, but – well, that's not the point!" Forge said. "Can you lip-synch?" he asked Torpid, who nodded. "Why'd you pick Torpid for this?" Forge asked The Authoress.

Well, we needed a little girl, and she followed Evan here.

Everyone turned and glared at Evan. "What?" Evan said. "Hey, I rejoined the X-Men!"

"Only after Callisto dumped you for Façade," Bobby said.

Hey, now, people, don't tease Evan just because his life is one giant shithole.

"Thank you," Evan said. "Wait…"

"A bit slow on the uptake, now, aren't we?" Jubilee said.

"Is it my fault I was made like a cheap imitation of Marrow??"

"…Yes."

"You guys just live to hate me, don't you?" Evan said.

"Oh, of course not!" Rogue said.

Evan smiled.

"It's their job," Kurt said, pointing at a group of girls holding skateboards. Well, he was either pointing at them or flipping them off. You can never tell with The Fuzzy Man.

"Who're they?" Evan asked.

"The F-S-P-Y-K-E," Ray said.

"You're not even in this parody," Forge said.

"We all felt like watching," Rob said.

"What's F-S-P-Y-K-E stand for?" Evan asked.

"The Fangirl Society Promoting the Youthful Killing of Evan," Sam said.

"F.SPYKE for short," Rahne added.

"Their leader is the Almighty YAO," Tabby said.

"And not the Yao I played in X Mulan," Bobby added. "YAO."

Ororo came out with a French Maid dress. "Evan, I think this should fit you now," she said.

"What's **that **for?!" Evan yelled.

"The scene when you and Scott dress up in dresses," Ororo said patiently. "Scott seems to like his."

Scott came walking out in a complete French Maid outfit, with black nylons and black buckle boots, holding a feather duster in one hand and a tray of shot glasses in the other. "Rum, anyone?"

"Oh, he was just born to be a cross-dressing French Maid with a pole up his/her ass," Ororo said with the air of a mom watching a 5 year-old turn cartwheels in the grass.

One of the F.SPYKEttes gasped dramatically. "It's the Almighty YAO! F.SPYKE!" she shouted. She dropped her skateboard, set her left foot on it, and held her right arm straight out with her left hand on the inside of her right elbow. She flipped her right forearm up, simultaneously flipping everyone off, then twisted her wrist with her hand in a sign language 'e'. However, while this took forever to describe it, it actually only took about 3 seconds to do.

"F.SPYKE!" the rest of the F.SPYKEttes shouted like they were in the military or something, and repeated the odd but original salute.

"F.SPYKE!"

You'll never guess who shouted that and repeated the salute, but sans-skateboard.

Well, actually, you probably already did a while ago.

"Auntie O?" Evan gasped disbelievingly.

"Yep," Bobby supplied for Ororo. "The Almightly YAO, aka Your Auntie O."

Evan looked completely crestfallen.

"Oh, get over it," Ororo said.

Yes, we really need to get on with the movie.

So, anyway, Torpid was chilling up on the bow of the _Dauntless_, lip-synching while Jamie provided the voice.

_**We pilage and plunder, we rifle and loot**_

_**Drink up me 'earties, yo ho**_

_**We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot**_

_**Drink up me 'earties, yo ho**_

_**Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me**_

_**We extort, we pilfer, we filch and sack**_

_**Drink up – **_

A hand descended on Torpid's shoulder with the sort of speed that could give a little 8 year-old a heart attack. I actually have no clue how old Torpid is, but Elizabeth was 8, if I remember correctly.

Torpid gasped – well, actually, Jamie gasped while Torpid mouthed the gasp – and turned around to see Mr. Logan.

"Quiet, missy," he said, looking like it pained him greatly to say 'missy'. "Cursed pirates sail these waters. You don't want to bring them down on us now, do ya, bub?"

"Mr-Logan, that-will-do!" Lieutenant Pietro (yes I realize it should be Lieutenant Maximoff, but Lieutenant Pietro sounds better) said at super speed. Torpid took one look at him and screamed. Well, actually, she mouthed it while Jamie shrieked, but you get the idea.

One of Pietro's hands automatically jumped to his hair. "I-know, I-know," he said. "I-don't-like-being-a-brunette!"

Suck it up, you sissy. So anyway, Mr. Logan defended his reason for scaring the shit out of little Torpid.

"She was singing about pirates. It's bad luck to be singing about pirates," Mr. Logan said. "And it's bad luck to have a woman on board…even a miniature one."

"HEY!"

Logan spun back around. Torpid had been glaring at him a few seconds ago, but she was now (along with everyone else) staring at Jamie.

"Uh…" Jamie said.

Evan started cracking up. "Haha, you think you're a girl!" he said.

"At least I'm not dressed like a French Maid!" Jamie shouted back.

Evan looked down to discover that he was, in fact, dressed as a French Maid. "When did this happen?"

Ororo came bustling over with a thick black eyeliner pencil in hand. "Hold still," she instructed, and drew a big fake black mole under his eye. Evan jumped away as if she had poked him with a branding iron, swatting at his face. "Don't touch it!" Ororo yelled. "You'll mess it up!"

"What is this for?" Evan asked.

"To go with your outfit," Ororo said, stating the obvious.

"But Auntie O!"

The F.SPYKEtte who had first identified YAO lobbed a skateboard at his head. "You will refer to her as YAO," she snapped.

"But she's-"

Scott came walking up to them. "Ororo," he said. "I think I might really have a pole up my ass! I can actually feel it!"

"That's because you're wearing a G-string," Ororo reminded him.

Scott visibly relaxed. "Oh," He said, and brightened. "Hey, Evan!" he said. "You like my mole?" He pointed at the fake mole over his lip.

"Uh…"

"Evan! Be polite!" Ororo said. "It looks wonderful, Scott," she assured him.

"Thanks, Auntie O!" Scott said and skipped off to drink rum and be merry.

"Hey!" Evan said, after getting over the shock of hearing Scott call Ororo Auntie O, to the F.SPYKEtte who had hit him with a skateboard. "How come you didn't hit **him** with a skateboard?"

"We're F.SPYKEttes, not F.CYCLOPSicles," the F.SPYKEtte said. "But **they'll** probably be here soon.

"Auntie O," Evan whined, and was hit in the head with another skateboard thrown by the same F.SPYKEtte, except this time it knocked him to the ground.

"OW!" Evan quickly got up. "Who the hell do you think you are?" he said angrily.

"I am EMOO," the F.SPYK – um, EMOO – said proudly. And yes, MOO is pronounced like the moise cows make.

"You mean that gross noise when they chew their cud?" Bobby asked.

No, when they actually go 'moo'.

"Gosh, don't gotta be so sarcastic about it," Bobby said.

I WASN'T BEING SARCASTIC, YOU FROZEN LITTLE PRICK!

Bobby cowered.

Kurt popped up. Well, actually, he bamfed up. "Rule #1," he said solemnly. "Never upset The Authoress. Rule #2: The chicks dig The Fuzzy Dude!" And he bamfed away.

"……Riiiiiiight," Jubilee said.

So, back to EMOO. Spyke fought back a laugh – very badly, I might add. Naturally, another F.SPYKEtte noticed and lobbed yet another skateboard at his head. "No not insult EMOO!" she snapped. Unlike EMOO, who had a Bowflex body and would probably kick your ass if you sneezed the wrong way, this F.SPYKEtte looked like she was Jamie's height. She was also dressed like a schoolgirl, complete with pigtails, and had a mini tetherball on a chain.

"And who are you?" Evan asked. "LLAMA?"

"Actually, yes," LLAMA said.

"…Okay, then," Evan said. "So, what do these names stand for?"

"EMOO stands for Evil Minion Of Ororo," LLAMA said.

"And LLAMA stands for Little Lieutenant And Munroe's Assassin," EMOO said.

Evan burst out laughing. "Please! There's no way she's…" he stopped when he heard a snikt noise that didn't come from Logan. He turned to LLAMA.

LLAMA was spinning the volleyball, except it wasn't a volleyball anymore. It was a metal ball with a blade wrapped around the diameter, and looked a lot like a certain weapon used in a certain ridiculously gory movie directed by a certain director by the name of Quentin Certain Tarantino…just kidding about his middle name.

"Gogo Yubari is my hero," LLAMA said. And do not tell me you did not see that coming.

"Meep," Evan said, and took off running away as fast as he could in a French Maid dress. LLAMA twirled the mace, staring after Evan the way a mouse would stare at a piece of cheese. She glanced back at Ororo hopefully. "Oh, go on, have some fun," Ororo said. "But keep him alive, we need him later." LLAMA grinned and ran off. "And don't mess up the dress!" Ororo called after her.

"So, who are the F.CYCLOPSicles?" Bobby asked.

"Fangirls Cumulatively Yearning the Complete Lasting Obliteration of Pathetic Scott," EMOO said.

"Ohhhhh," everyone said, nodding as if it made perfect sense. I don't know, does it?

"And, of course," EMOO said. "Their leader is the Almighty – Oh my Rob!" she squealed. Yes, the F.SPYKEttes swear to the New Recruits – well, the boys of the New Recruits, plus Forge. "HULA, what are you doing here?"

"EMOO!" A girl with a lei around her neck, a surfboard tucked under her arm, and ruby quartz sunglasses on came running over and gave EMOO a big hug. "We were gonna go ask **EE's Skysong** if we could torture JOTT with our surfboards of DOOM, but the Almighty SODA decided to come over here instead." While they talked, all the F.SPYKEttes and F.CYCLOPSicles gretted each other, dropping their respective boards of DOOM. Obviously, there was no animosity between the two. They were, after all, dedicated to making two certain mutants' lives miserable.

"Yo, dudes!" SODA, or Alex, as we all know him, came walked up, pulling LLAMA along behind him. "I found LLAMA with a French Maid dress. Hey, YAO!"

"SODA!" And Ororo and Alex then did a **very** complicated secret handshake that took about 3 minutes to complete. I'd rather not describe, for fear of confusing and/or boring the hell out of you. "Wait," Ororo said. "If LLAMA's got the French Maid dress, then what's Evan wearing?"

There was then a very loud shriek that nearly deafened everyone as Evan walked out. Surprisingly, that shriek didn't come from Scott. No, it came from every female in the vicinity, with the exception of Ororo, who put her face in her hands, and Torpid, whom Jamie kindly shrieked for.

If you're wondering why, let me ask you this: if Evan came out in nothing but his boxers, what would you do? That's what I thought.

So all the girls (except Ororo and Torpid) shrieked until they just about killed their vocal cords and turned away and/or sank to the floor in a dead faint. Well, **through **the floor for Kitty. "Evan!" Ororo yelled. "Go get dressed!"

"Hey, it's not **my** fault LLAMA ripped the dress off me to try to kill me with her mace of DOOM!" Evan yelled back.

"RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!" Alex yelled at Evan even louder, and bitch-slapped him. Unfortunately for Evan, the slap was simultaneously accompanied by a blast from Alex's hand. Fortunately for everyone else, Evan was at the exact angle so that the blast and bitch-slap sent Evan flying into his trailer. Yes, he gets a trailer. It's one of the perks of being in my parodies.

Now, since I have effectively wasted a ton of chappie space, I will now actually get on with the movie.

Wait, just a minute.

"Jean! A little help here!" Forge yelled. What is with these people and yelling?

Jean was inspecting her nails. "Why?" she asked.

"Can you use your telekinesis to hold Kurt still so I can blast him with my De-Ager Ray?" Forge said.

"Actually, the correct word is _would you_," Jean said, then gasped as she saw a tiny chip in her nail that would normally only be seen under a microscope as 400x. "Is that a chipped nail?!"

Rogue walked up to her and zapped her. Everyone cheered. "Kurt, would ya **please** hold still and take this lahke a man?" she asked.

"But…this is **Forge** we're talking about. Last time I participated in one of his inventions, demon lizards came through!" Kurt protested.

"I mess up **one** school dance and you all hate me," Forge said.

"Ya know, Kurt, Kitty's watching," Rogue said.

"No, she's not," Kurt said. "She phased through the floor."

Suddenly, Kitty phased back up. "Is it, like, over?" she said. Then she noticed Forge and Kurt. "Oh, are you, like, going to de-age Kurt now?" she said. "I totally wanna watch!"

Rogue smirked at Kurt. "Told ya," she said. Kurt hung his head and accepted his fate like a Fuzzy Blue Elf Man.

One big flashy flash later, an 8 year-old Kurt was standing in front of them. "Oh, he's, like, so CUTE!" Kitty squealed.

"Too bad Torpid's in this scene," Forge said. "Unless you're willing to test out my new invention so Torpid can go home."

"Did you, like, just say **test** out your new invention?" Kitty asked.

"…Yeah…"

"Like, okay!" Kitty said cheerfully. To make a short story even shorter, Kitty got de-aged, Torpid went home, and the movie finally started…again. Except they skipped Lieutenant Pietro's little speech and went right to when Kurt floated by on a raft.

"Look! There's, like, a boy in the water!" Kitty shrieked, pointing.

"That looks more like a blue elf to me," Mr. Logan said.

Everyone ignored him. "Man-overboard!" Pietro yelled. "Man-the-ropes. Fetch-a-hook! Haul-him-aboard!" Most the Jamie Multiples hopped to it, mysteriously being able to understand Pietro's speed-talk. "He's-still-breathing," Pietro said.

"Vhy do you sound so disappointed?" Kurt asked. "Do you vant me dead?"

"You're supposed to be unconscious," Forge said.

"Fine, fine," Kurt muttered, and faked being unconscious again.

Then Mr. Logan saw the burning ship. Even though they all must've been pretty blind not to notice that. "Mary, Mother of God!"

"What happened here?" Beast said.

"It's-most-likely-the-powder-magazine," Pietro said. Everyone just stared at him quizzically, because roughly half of them couldn't translate his speed-talk into normal talk, and the other half who could could barely sing the Pirate Song, let alone know sea lingo. Pietro rambled on. "Merchant-vessels-run-heavily-armed."

Kitty opened her mouth, but Mr. Logan spoke first.

"A lot of good it did them," he said. "What? Everyone's thinking it, I'm just saying it."

"Actually," Kitty said. "I was, like, so gonna say that before you totally interrupted me."

"I think it vas pirates," Kurt piped up.

"Kurt, for the last time, you're supposed to be UNCONSCIOUS!" Forge yelled.

"You have a **very** short temper," Kurt said, but once again went back to feigning unconsciousness.

"I think it was probably an accident," Beast said.

Everyone stared at him in disbelief. "Oh yeah, so the ship, like, exploded all on its own?" Kitty said.

Pietro ignored them and started barking out orders. "Woof! Woof! (growl snarl) Woof!"

NOT LITERALLY, you skinny albino!

Pietro smirked, but started yelling in Human. "Rouse-the-Captain-immediately! Heave-to-and-take-in-sail! Launch-the-boats!"

"Heave to!" All the Jamie Multiples yelled.

Beast turned to Kitty. "Kitty," he said. "I want you to accompany the elf. He'll be in your charge."

"Aw, but I wanna, like, go stare at the burning ship!" Kitty whined.

"Thanks, Kitty," kurt said. "I feel **so** loved."

"Kurt…" Forge started.

"Shutting up," Kurt said, and flopped baack down unconscious…only to pop back up wide awake with a gasp when Kitty came over.

"It's, like, okay," Kitty said. "My name's Kitty Pryde **(1)**."

"K-K-Kurt Vagner," Kurt stuttered.

"I'm, like, watching over you, Kurt," Kitty said.

"This coming from a chick who vanted to stare at a burning ship instead of check on me," Kurt said.

"Kurt, two words," Kitty snapped. "Shut, like, up."

Kurt counted on his fingers. "That's three vords," he said. Kitty scowled at him. "Shutting up," he said, and fainted…again.

Then Kitty saw **The Medallion** (Dramatic music plays – henceforth known as DMP). "Ooh, shiny," she said, and took it. "Hm, skull and crossbones," she mused. "That's, like, gotta stand for **something**…"

Pietro came over. "Has-he-said-anything?" he asked.

"He said his name's, like, Kurt Wagner," she said. "And he had this, like, totally cool medallion (DMP)." She showed him it. "But, like, what does a skull and crossbones mean?"

Pietro stared at her. "I-can't-believe-I'm-supposed-to-be-in-love-with-you-later," he said.

"And I can't believe I'm supposed to approve of it," Beast said.

"Yeah, and the age difference in the movie is, like, totally icksome!" Kitty said.

"Take-Kurt-below," Pietro said, and left to do something unimportant. Beast left to get some rum from Scott. Two Jamie Multiples came over to pick Kurt up.

Kurt shot up. "Hands **off** The Fuzzy Dude!" he said. "I'll take **myself** below." And he bamfed away.

Kitty stared at **The Medallion **(DMP). "Skull and crossbones…what does that stand for?"

Kurt bamfed in, whispered something in her hear, and bamfed away. "Oh!" Kitty said. "Pirates!"

"By Celia Rees is an excellent book," Bobby said. "I recommend it." **(2)**

"You read a book about lady pirates?" Rob said.

"More importantly," Ray said. "You read a book?"

"Hey!" Bobby said. "Women can be pirates, too! And I read it in the spirit of PotC."

"And then he read Witch Chahld and Sorceress," Sam added.

"They were good books!" Bobby said.

"Ya actually believed that it happened!" Sam shot back.

Bobby's lower lip started trembling.

"Oh, don' tell me yah're still sad about that," Sam said.

"About what?" Jamie asked.

Bobby's lip continued trembling.

"It didn' even really happen," Sam said.

"What didn't really happen?" Jamie asked.

"They're not rail," Sam said.

"Who aren't real?" Jamie asked.

Rob and Ray started backing away slowly. "I'll go get Jubilee," they said in unison, then glared at each other.

"It only takes one person to get Jubilee," Sam said.

"What's going on???" Jamie asked.

Rob and Ray glared at each other some more, then Rob shoved Ray over and ran for it.

"No one ever tells me anything!" Jamie complained, and left in a huff.

"Here we go," Sam muttered.

"Why me?" Ray said.

And then the waterworks began. Bobby latched onto Ray's shirt and sobbed – no, bawled. "Why did Jaybird have to die?" he wailed through Ray's shirt. "They were in love!"

"Who the hell is Jaybird?" Ray mouthed to Sam.

"And Speckled Bird! She was so young!" Bobby continued.

"Um…" Ray said. "Help me!" he mouthed frantically to Sam.

"And then she went and got herself kidnapped," Bobby wailed/babbled.

"Bobby, this didn' actually happen," Sam said.

"And she got drunk," Bobby babbled on, ignoring Sam.

"This is just pathetic," Ray said, trying and failing to free himself from Bobby's grip.

"And then she went and…" Bobby paused to sniff. "…slept with some French guy!" he wailed in a very high-pitched voice.

"Hey!" Remy yelled. "Remy finds that very insultin'."

"France French, not Cajun French," Sam said.

"Oh," Remy said. "Dat's all right, den."

Rob came running back with Jubilee, who smacked Bobby upside the head. "Get over it!" she said. "It didn't really happen."

Bobby stopped crying immediately. "It didn't?"

"Nope," Jubilee said.

"Oh, okay, then," Bobby said, cheering up immediately. Jubilee patted him on the head and left to find Tabby.

"Why is it that ya will listen to Jubilee but not me?" Sam said.

"Two words, man," Ray said, pulling his soaking wet shirt off – well, both of his soaking wet shirts off. "Sex appeal."

Rahne happened to be walking by at that moment. "Are you trying to tell me that my man's not sexy?"

"Um, no, I mean, well…yeah, Sam's sexy…in a…farmboy…way," Ray stuttered.

"I knew it!" Bobby said. "You **are** gay!"

"I'm not the one who sobbed over a **book**," Ray said.

"I'm not the one who looks like he pissed in his pants," Bobby pointed out.

"You're the one who did that!" Ray said.

"Prove it," Bobby said.

Just then, Tabby and Amara walked by. "Someone had a little accident," Tabby said, and she and Amara giggled as they walked away.

"You are one dead frozen Popsicle!" Ray yelled as he pulled off his pants.

"Actually, Popsicles are frozen to begin with, so it's pointless to say that they are," Bobby said.

**!WARNING! **THE FOLLOWING FEW LINES OR SO FEATURES US ALL SERIOUSLY QUESTIONING RAY'S SEXUALITY. IF I HAVE OFFENDED ANYONE IN ANY WAY, I AM SORRY. THIS IS ALL A BIG STUPID JOKE, OKEE?

Ray screamed and ran after Bobby. However, there isn't much space to run around on a ship, so Bobby soon found himself cornered at the bow. "Should've seen that coming," he muttered to himself. Yes, Bobby, you really should have. Ray tackled him, and they rolled around on the floor until Ray ended up on top with bobby in a very…compromising…position. Of course, right at that moment, Jubilee came back with Tabby and Amara.

"Ray, I can understand how badly you want to get in my boyfriend's pants," Jubilee said. "But could you at least get a room?"

"Are you saying you would **let** him rape me if he wanted?" Bobby demanded to Jubilee. She opened her mouth to answer, but Ray interrupted – well, more like shrieked.

"I AM NOT GAY!"

"Oh, of course you're not," Tabby said.

"Thank you," Ray said.

"I was thinking more along the lines of bisexual," Tabby said.

"I AM NOT BISEXUAL!"

"Sure you aren't," Rahne said.

Kitty then took that moment to notice Ray. Unsurprisingly, she shrieked. "He's, like, only in his underwear!" she screamed.

"Uh-oh," Sam said, quickly shielding Kitty's eyes – about 2 minutes too late.

"You're making a little girl cry!" Rob yelled at Ray. "Put some clothes one!" He threw Ray's (mysteriously) dry clothes at him. Unfortunately (for Ray), Rob had used his solar energy behind the throw. Unsurprisingly, Ray toppled over the edge of the boat and landed in the water with a splash.

"Hey!" Ray yelled. "Help me up!"

Everyone ignored him.

"I'm serious!" Ray yelled. "This water is freezing!"

Everyone wandered down to the stern, deaf to Ray's pleas. Sam pulled a fishing pole out of nowhere and started fishing.

That is, until he pulled up a pair of boxers. "Aw, man, Ah got a pair o' boxahs," he said.

"Wait a minute," Bobby said. "Those are Ray's boxers!"

Don't tell me you didn't see that coming. And cue cumulative shudder.

Ray swam over to their end of the ship. "Can someone **please** help me up?" he yelled.

"…Nah," Rob said.

"Well, can you at least throw me my boxers?" Ray asked.

Bobby had an evil grin on his face. "Sure," he said. "Just a sec."

Five seconds later, something clunked Ray on the head, knocking him underwater. When he resurfaced, he saw that they were his boxers – encased in a giant ice cube. "Thanks a lot, guys," he said sarcastically.

"No problem," Bobby called back cheerfully.

Ray rolled his eyes, then noticed an ominous black ship. "Hey!" he said. "Is it just me, or is there an ominous black ship headed our way?"

Rob squinted into the fog. "I think that ice cube might've hit your head a little too hard."

"No, I, like, see it," Kitty said. "No, wait maybe I, like, don't." She closed her eyes…

And whens he opened them, she was however many years older and lying on her side in a bed, thanks to a little zap from Forge's invention thingie and some Divine Intervention. "Like, talk about a freaky dream," she said.

She got up and walked over to a drawer, opened up the Secret Compartment, and pulled out…**The Medallion**.

(**Clocks **by Coldplay plays)

Wrong music.

(DMP)

Okay, but the moment's over now.

"Is it **my** fault you don't label any of your CDs?" Jamie demanded from where he and his multiples were searching through stacks of unlabeled CDs. **(3)**

If it bugs you so much, you can go label them for me! So anyway, Kitty put on **The Medallion** (DMP) and stared at it in the mirror.

Then Beast went and knocked on the door. "Kitty?"

Kitty ran around her bed, knocking over a lamp (having forgotten that she can phase through things). "Are you alright? Are you decent?" Beast called.

Kitty threw on a robe. Now, where **The Medallion** (DMP)? Of course, in her cleavage! She stuffed **The Medallion** (DMP) in there. "Yes!" she called to Beast. Yeah, I know Elizabeth says "Yes" twice in the movie, but is it just me, or does that sound straight out of an Herbal Essence commercial?

Beast came in. "Still abed at this hour?" he said, opening the curtains. "It's a beautiful day. I have a gift for you," he added, showing her a dress.

"Oh, it's, like, beautiful," Kitty squealed.

"Isn't it?" Beast said.

"So, like, what's the occasion?" Kitty asked.

"Does a father need an occasion to dote upon his daughter? Go on," Beast said, and a maid that looked a hell of a lot like Amara helped Kitty into the dress. "Actually," Beast said. "I had hoped you might wear it for the ceremony today."

"What ceremony?" kitty asked.

"Captain Pietro's promotion ceremony."

Kitty poked her head out from behind the screen. "I, like, knew it!"

"Commodore Pietro, as he's about to become," Beast said as Amara started lacing Kitty up in a corset. "A fine gentleman, don't you think? He fancies you, you know," he added. "Kitty? How's it coming?"

"It's, like, difficult to say," Kitty said as Amara tightened the laces.

"I'm told it's the latest fashion in London," Beast said.

"Well, women in London must've, like, learned not to breathe," Kitty gasped out as Amara tightened the laces even more.

A servant who looked a hell of a lot like Rob came walking in. "Milord," he said. "You have a visitor."

In the Entrance Hall (or WHATEVER you call it), Kurt was standing around nervously, scratching the back of one ankle with his other foot. He looked at a sconce, touched it, and a piece immediately broke off into his hand. Idiot. So he stuck it in a vase holding canes and umbrellas. Oh yeah, that's slick.

Beast came walking down the stairs. "Ah, Mr. Wagner," he said. "Good to see you again."

"Guten Tag, sir," Kurt said. "I have your order." He opened his case and took out the sword.

"Ooh," Beast said as he unsheathed the sword. "Shiny."

Kurt looked at him strangely, but continued. "The blade is folded steel. That's gold filigree laid into the handle. If I may." He took the sword and balanced it on one finger. "Perfectly balanced," he said, stating the obvious. "The tang is nearly the full width of the blade." Whatever that means. He flipped the sword perfectly and presented it to Beast. "In your face, pretty boy!" **(4)**

Beast took the sword. "Shiny," he said. "Very shiny. Commodore Pietro is going to be very pleased with this. Do pass my compliments on to your master."

Kurt looked disappointed. "I vill," he said. "A craftsman is always pleased to hear his vork is appreciated."

Rob popped back in. "Is it just me," he said. "Or was Kurt trying to make a subtle hint there?"

Beast thought for a moment. "…Nope," he said. "I didn't catch anything."

"Oh, okay," Rob said. "I thought it was just me." And he popped back out to do unimportant servant things (which probably involved him, Amara, and an over-sized pantry).

Kitty came walking down the stairs. "Oh, Kitty," Beast said. "You look absolutely stunning."

"Like, stop fishing for compliments," Kitty said to Beast. "Kurt! It's so good to, like, see you! I, like, had a dream about you last night."

"About me?" Kurt asked.

"Yes, well, is that entirely proper for you to-" Beast began, but Kitty cut him off.

"Yeah!" Kitty said. "You were wearing baby-blue footie pajamas with, like, little yellow ducks on them, and you wouldn't stop eating cucumbers."

"And Scott was in his French Maid outfit," Krut said.

"And he did a pole dance," Kitty continued.

"And then he stuck the pole up his ass!" they finished together.

Okee. 1: Wrong dream. 2: That's just sick and wrong.

"Sorry," Kurt and Kitty said.

It's okay. Just talk about the right one this time, and never speak of that one again. Ever. That's mind-scarring.

"Okay, so I, like, had a dream about the day we met," Kitty said. "Remember that?"

"How could I forget?" Kurt said. "Ray got hypothermia, and no one wanted to nurse him back to health."

Kitty nodded solemnly. "Poor guy," she said.

"Not really," they added in unison.

"Thanks, I feel **so** loved," Ray said backstage.

"You're, like, welcome," Kitty said.

"Vhat Miss Pryde said," Kurt said.

"Kurt, how many times do I have to, like, ask you to call me Kitty?" Kitty said.

"At least one more time, Miss Pryde," Kurt said. "As always."

"There," Beast said happily. "At least the elf has a sense of propriety. Now, we really must be going." He handed Kitty a parasol.

"Like, good day, Mr. Wagner," Kitty said.

"Come on," Beast said, leading her out the door.

Kurt trailed after them. "Guten Tag," he said. Kitty and Beast climbed in the carriage and rode away. "…Kitty," Kurt finished wistfully.

What a loser.

* * *

**(1)** – Yeah, yeah, I know it should be Kitty McCoy, but that's just kinda…ick.

**(2) **– Pirates! by Celia Rees. Yes, with the exclamation mark. About lady pirates. Excellent book, I recommend it to you people out there. I also recommend Witch Child and Sorceress, written by the same author. Witch Child takes place in the colonial times, you know, with the Pilgrims and all. Sorceress is the sequel and takes place more around Native Americans. And yes, all the things that Bobby was babbling about **do** actually happen in Sorceress. So sad…

**(3) **– Sad but true fact about me, every CD that I've ever burned is unlabeled. How do I keep track of what's what? Very carefully.

**(4) **– In PotC, the actor playing Will Turner (yes, I know his name, but I can't put it here) did the flip thingie with the sword about 16 times on camera before he got it perfect. Kurt, however, rocks out loud with a sword, even though he's short two fingers.

Who wants to know the translations for all those acronyms? Even though I put in most of them already. Oh well, here they are:

F.SPYKE – Fangirl Society Promoting the Youthful Killing of Evan.

YAO – Your Auntie O

EMOO – Evil Minion Of Ororo

LLAMA – Little Lieutenant And Munroe's Assassin

F.CYCLOPS – Fangirls Cumulatively Yearning the Complete Lasting Obliteration of Pathetic Scott

SODA – Surfing Omniscient Dude Alex

HULA – Havok's Ultimate Little Assistant

DOOM (yes, it is an acronym for me) – Destruction Or Obvious Mutilation

I got the EMOO/LLAMA idea from "Dude, Where's My Car?" starring Alton Ketchup and Shane Bill Scotch (please tell me you know their real names). In this one scene, Jesse (Mr. Ketchup) and Chester (Mr. Scotch) are being chased by emus – or it might be ostriches, but emoo is an easier acronym to make up – and Jesse's all like, "Oh no! Llamas!" (or something that) and Chester's all, "No, they're emus! I saw it on Animal Planet!" (or ostriches something like that)

I got the idea for F.SPYKE and F.CYCLOPS when I watched the movie "Dodgeball" starring actors whose names I can't remember right now. Cuz to make the tournament, they have to win in their region, and the Average Joes (the name of the team) take on Girl Scouts – and lose miserably. And it's F.SPYKE and F.CYCLOPS cuz Fangirls starts with an F, and what else does? Tee-hee. So the F.SPYKEttes and F.CYCLOPSicles are weird, mutated, twisted versions of Girl Scouts. Sort of.

Whew, that was a long chappie! Went WAY off course, too. But you see, about 95 percentof this was written while waiting for the bus/on the bus/on the ferry, and at first, I didn't have a copy of the script with me. Then I got smart, found one on the Internet, and copied, pasted, and printed the scenes I needed. So anyway, I will most likely never write a chappie this long again. Probably. UP NEXT: Remy making a sinking ship look cool, Remy demonstrating the art of thievery, Remy confusing the shells (just remove the s's…) out of Sam and Bobby, Pietro being tongue-tied around a girl (GASP!), Kitty falling off a battlement, Remy rescuing Kitty, Remy getting arrested, Remy escaping, and that should be plenty for the next chappie. I don't know when I'll be able to update, but like I said before, by February, my schedule SHOULD loosen up. Until next time: please review!


	2. Remy Makes People Look Stupid

**..:: Remy Makes People Look Stupid ::..**

Yay, reviews! Thank you to **pyschobunny410**, **fudje**, **DragonMaster02**, **EE's Skysong**, and **heartsyhawk** for reviewing! **Psychobunny410**, thanks for clearing up the emu/ostrich thing. Never could remember.Hey, **fudje**, did you mean that the ficcie sucks? **EE's Skysong**, hm…as for the screen name thingie, it's up to you. Cuz I wrote that bit a while back, before I suggested General Pengy and the rotting fish for **The XBand, The Trilogy That Wouldn't Die!** But, if you feel like bringing in crazed, twisted, lei-bearing fangirls with surfboards of DOOM, go ahead. LoLz. And **heartsyhawk**, of course I'm gonna do an X Mulan 2! Just not until after MotC, cuz…yeah. But I will be doing it. Yup.

DISCLAIMER: Is JOTT dead yet?

* * *

The theme song for PotC started playing, and Remy stood on the mast of a sailing ship, looking pretty damn impressive and sexy (even thought I still don't get how Jack pulled that off in PotC, considering he was pigtails and beads in his hair, but WHATEVER, everyone loves Johnny Depp). Then he looked down and noticed that there was a leak in his ship. So he jumped down and started bailing out water with a conveniently located bucket. Not too impressive.

That is, until he spied the three hanged skeletons hanging from a rock. Now, Remy wasn't wearing a three-corner hat (or WHATEVER it's called), so of course he couldn't sweep one off and put it over his heart. He could, however, notice the little stamps on each of the skulls.

"'ey!" Remy said. "Dey're plastic! It says, 'Made In China'!"

Well, you're a smart one.

So, anyway, Remy then noticed the sign hanging next to the plastic pirate skeletons. "Pirates Ye Be Warned," he read out loud (even though he's not supposed to). "D'accord."

Then Pyro jumped out from behind the rock with his trusty lighter in hand and set the plastic pirate skeletons aflame, cackling madly the whole time. "Burn, fake pirates, burn!!!" he yelled.

"Uh, homme," Remy said, pointing at the rock next to the hanged, burning, plastic pirate skeletons. Pyro looked over to where Remy was pointing and squeaked.

Four nooses hung from the rock, and in three of them were lighters, each crushed in the middle. From the fourth noose hung a sign bearing the writing "Pyromaniacs Ye Be Warned".

Pyro clutched his lighter to his chest dramatically. "You savages," he spat. "You'll never take her alive! Never!!!!" And he ran off screaming like a bansheefied insomniac.

"…Riiiiiight," Forge said backstage.

So, then, Remy's ship started pulling up to the dock, Remy standing on the mast again. The ship sank more…and more…and more…

Perfect timing. It sank to the exact spot where Remy could step right off the mast and onto the dock. Talk about convenient, no?

So then Remy started walking down the dock like he owned the place, until Ray the Harbormaster, with his trusty canine sidekick, Rahne, (yes, I know that there's supposed to be a little black boy with three gold teeth, but work with me here, I've got something planned) went and ruined the moment. "Hey!" he yelled. "Hold up there, you. It's a shilling to tie your boat up at the dock." They both glanced down at the sunken boat. "And I need your name." He opened his dorky little record book.

Remy stuck three coins on the record book. "What d'y' say to t'ree shillin's," he said. "Et we forget de name."

Ray closed the book on the shillings. "Welcome to Port Royal, Mr. Smith," he said.

Tabitha's dad popped up from out of nowhere. "Did someone call me?" he asked.

GET OUT!

"Going," Mr. Smith said, and disappeared.

So, anyway, Ray and his trusty canine sidekick, Rahne, walked away, and Remy just happened to notice Ray's money pouch sitting on the little podium. Of course, being the klepto that he is, he couldn't resist the urge to pick the pouch up, jingle it a little, and saunter off with it. He had, after all, given three whole shillings to Ray. Ray, being an idiot, didn't even notice.

"Aw, come on!" Scott said. "Ray's an idiot! Even **I** could steal that!"

"Why don' y' put y' fingers where y' mout' is?" Remy suggested, putting the money pouch back on the podium.

"I will," Scott said.

**A Few Seconds Later…**

"Welcome to Port Royal, Mr. Summers," Ray said. "I mean, Mr. Smith." And he and Rahne walked away.

Scott walked over to the podium, picked up the money pouch, and stuck it into his pocket. "Cake," he said, and walked away.

Ray spun around and pointed a very out-of-time-period gun at him. "Freeze, bitch!" he yelled. Rahne growled at Scott, fangs bared.

Scott threw his hands up in the air and dropped the pouch. Offstage, Remy smirked. "Remy told y' so," he said.

"Shut up, man," Scott said. He then turned tail and ran. Unfortunately (for Scott), humans, as we all know, can**not** outrun most animals. Unsurprisingly, Rahne caught up to him easily…and took the opportunity to rip a hole in the seat of his pants, giving everyone a nice view of Scott's pink boxers with red hearts on them. Even though no one really wants a view of those, but it's nice blackmail.

So, once again, nearly all of the female population shrieked because, who REALLY wants to see ANY guy in pink boxers with red hearts? Except it being Scott just makes things a helluva lot worse. Then Remy took over again, Ray and Rahne left, and the scene skipped over to Pietro's promotion ceremony.

**At Pietro's Promotion Ceremony…**

A bunch of soldiers – er, Jamie Multiples in blue jackets and white ice-cream scoop wigs – stood at attention while more Jamie Multiples in red jackets and white ice-cream scoop wigs walked between them. Most of them had rifles, but a few were playing snares (that's a drum, in casesome of you don't know). Some invisible person was playing a really dorky tune on a flute, but said person was, obviously, nowhere to be seen. Meanwhile, Kitty stood around with the other rich people, fanning herself and looking bored out of her mind. Who can blame her? I sure would've been.

So then, some dude shouted out military orders, and the Jamie Multiples in red jackets and white ice-cream scoop wigs formed two separate lines, holding their rifles stiffly in front of them. And out came Pietro in all his white hair, three-corner hat, navy blue jacket with WAY too many buckles on them glory. He walked between the two lines of Multiples in red jackets and white ice-cream scoop wigs and up to where Beast was standing. Beast handed him the sword and Pietro unsheathed it, tossed it to his other arm, flipped it behind his back to his other arm yet again, then did some not-so-fanciful tricks with them.

Kitty rolled her eyes and focused on trying to breathe with crushed lungs.

**Down By The Docks…**

Remy was shopping for ships. Of course, he couldn't help but notice the ship chilling all by its lonesome out on the dock. So he sauntered his way down the dock and over to the ship, probably intending to commandeer it and sail his merry Cajun way out of the harbor.

He would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids, and their dumb dog! **(1)**

"Hey!" Rahne dog-barked from where Sam was petting her on the head. While she was in DOG form, otherwise that'd just be kinda…weird…

The point is, Rahne isn't even supposed to be over here!

"Thanks, I feel **so** loved," Rahne growled as she changed back into her human form and stalked offstage.

Would it make you feel better if I considered writing a parody centered around RAHM? **(2)**

"Maybe," Rahne said.

The things I do to make you people happy. So anyway, Sam and Bobby jumped up from where they were and ran over to stand stiffly in front of Remy. You'll notice they're just about the only soldiers with their regular color hair.

"This dock is off limits to civilians," Bobby said.

"Remy terribly sorry, Remy didn' know," Remy said. "If Remy see one, Remy shall inform y' immediately." I love that line! But anyway, Remy sauntered on past them…only to have them run and stand stiffly in front of him again. Remy looked at them oddly. "Dere's some sort o' high-toned et fancy t'-do up a' de fort," he said. "'ow could it be dat deux upstandin' gentlemen such as y'selves didn' merit an invitation?"

Sam looked confused, although whether it was from Remy's accent or his vocabulary we might never know. Either way, Bobby spoke for both of them. "Someone has to make sure this dock stays off limits," he said. "And we didn't really wanna watch Pietro get promoted."

**Back At Pietro's Promotion Ceremony…**

Pietro paused in showing off his Mad Sword Skills to yell at Bobby and Sam. "You're-just-jealous-cuz-I've-got-Mad-Sword-Skills!" he yelled.

**Back At The Docks…**

"A fine goal, to be sure," Remy said, all of them ignoring Pietro's comment. "Mais it seems to moi dat a ship comme dat-" He scooted over a little to point at said ship, and Sam and Bobby both shifted over to stand right in front of him. "-Makes dis one ici a bit superfluous, really."

"The _Dauntless_ is the power in these waters, for sure," Bobby said. "But there's not ship that can match the _Interceptor_ for speed."

"Remy heard o' one," Remy said. "C'est supposed to be très vite, nigh uncatchable. The _Black Pearl_."

Sam laughed. "Well, there's no **rayl** ship that can mahtch the _Interceptor_," he said.

"The _Black Pearl_ is a real ship," Bobby said.

"No, it's not," Sam said.

"Yes, it is," Bobby insisted. "I've seen it."

"Yah've seen it?" Sam said.

"Yeah," Bobby said.

"No, yah haven't," Sam said.

"Yes, I have," Bobby said.

"Yah've seen a ship that's crewed by the dahmned and captained by a mahn so evil that Hell itself spaht him back out?" Sam said.

"No," Bobby said.

"No," Sam repeated…rather pointlessly.

"But I have seen a ship with black sails," Bobby said.

"So no ship that's not crewed by the dahmned and captained by a mahn so evil that Hell spat him out-" Here Remy became incredibly bored, and so slipped off to the _Interceptor_. "-Could possible have blahck sayls, an' couldn' possibly be any other ship thahn the _Black Pearl_. Is thaht what yah're sayin'?"

Bobby nodded. "No."

"Lahke Ah said, there's no rayl ship that can match the _Interceptor_," Sam said as they both turned back to Remy. Only Remy wasn't there anymore. They both turned to see Remy on board the _Interceptor_.

"Hey!" Bobby yelled as he and Sam ran onto the ship. "Get away from there!" He pointed his rifle at Remy.

Sam pointed his rifle at Remy, too. "Yah don' have permission tah be aboard there, mate," he said, and flinched. Sam just wasn't made to say "mate".

"Remy sorry," Remy said. "C'est juste, c'est such a pretty boat. Ship," he corrected himself quickly.

"What's your name?" Bobby asked.

"Smit'," Remy said. "Ou Smit'y, if y' like."

"What's yahr purpose here in Port Royahl, Mr. Smith?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, and no lies!" Bobby added.

"Alors, Remy confess," Remy said. "C'est my intention t' commandeer one o' dese ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder, et ot'erwise pilfer mes weaselly black guts ou'."

"I said no lies," Bobby said.

"Ah think he's tellin' the truth," Sam said to Bobby.

"If he were telling the truth, he wouldn't have told us," Bobby said.

"Unless, o' course, y' wouldn' believe de trut' even if he told y'," Remy pointed out.

Bobby nodded, then looked confused. Poor guy, must be too much for his tiny brain to handle. Especially with the Celia Rees incident…

Bobby dropped his rifle and clapped his hands over his ears. "I can't hear you! La la la la la!"

JAYBIRD!

Bobby ran away offstage, sat down, hugged his knees to his chest, and rocked back and forth while sucking his thumb. Sam sighed resignedly and left to find Jubilee.

**Back At Pietro's Promotion Ceremony…**

More Jamie Multiples in ice-cream scoop wigs played really slow, boring orchestral music while people milled around and talked. Kitty fanned herself, trying vainly to breathe…and then Pietro found her. "May-I-have-a-moment?" he asked.

They walked out right to the edge of the battlement (idiots). 'You-look-lovely, Kitty," Pietro said. Kitty flashed him a fake smile, then went back to trying to breathe.

Pietro turned away from her and started talking all tongue-tied. We must all realize this will never happen in real life, not unless the world decided to stand on its figuratively speaking head. Or unless a fanficcie writer got bored and decided to punish Pietro. "I-apologize-if-I-seem-forward," Pietro said. "But-I-must-speak-my-mind. This-promotion-throws-into-sharp-relief-that-which-I-have-not-yet-achieved." Whatever that means. Pietro turned back to Kitty. "A-marriage-to-a-fine-woman. You-have-become-a-fine-woman, Kitty."

Kitty gasped for air as she fanned herself even more desperately. "I, like, can't breathe," she said.

Pietro turned away again. "Yes, I'm-a-bit-nervous-myself," he said. No, Pietro, don't flatter yourself, that's not what she meant. And then Kitty fainted and fell off the battlement. And Pietro didn't even notice. What a loser.

**Meanwhile, Aboard The _Interceptor_…**

It was Storytime! So Bobby (having recovered very quickly from his, ahem, breakdown) and Sam were sitting like good little kiddums, listening to Remy tell a story.

"Et den dey made moi deir chief," Remy finished.

Et den Kitty landed in de water wit' a splash.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Remy, Bobby, and Sam all turned at the EXACT SAME TIME to see what had caused such a splash.

**Up On The Battlement…**

Pietro turned around to see that no one was there. "Kitty?" he said. Then he looked down and saw the splash that had formed in the water below. "Kitty!" he yelled all hero-dramatically. He started taking off his jacket, intending to dive in after her.

Toad (and some Unimportant Soldier Dudes – yes, I have Unimportant Soldier Dudes AND Jamie Multiples!) came running up to him. Toad stopped him from diving. "The rocks, yo!" he said. "It's a miracle she missed them."

**Meanwhile, Wow I'm Using That Word A Lot…**

So Kitty was sinking to the bottom of the sea…which really wasn't that far.

Up on the _Interceptor_, Remy, Sam, and Bobby were contemplating what to do. "Will y' be savin' her?" he asked Sam.

"Ah cahn' swim," Sam said.

"Oui, tu peux," Remy said.

"Yeah, but it's important to the plot that Ah cahn't," Sam pointed out.

Remy rolled his eyes. "Pride o' de King's Navy, y' are," he said. He pulled off his hat, sword, jacket, and pistol, and shoved them unceremoniously at Sam and Bobby. "Don' lose dese," he said, and without further ado dove expertly into the water.

Underwater, **The Medallion **(DMP) called to The Cursed Pirates, sending a very obvious ripple out through the water. Obviously, Sam and Bobby noticed. "What was that?" Bobby said. Sam shrugged. Then the wind started blowing so hard that it almost blew Sam's hat away. Not that it would be a real crime if it did, cuz those hats are HIDEOUS!

But anyway, out on Plastic Pirate Rock (yes, it has a name now), the skeletons started blowing in the wind. The lighters out on Little Lighter Boulder, however, didn't. Why? Because this was **The Medallion** (DMP) calling out to The Cursed Pirates, not **The Matchbox** ("Unwell" by **Matchbox Twenty** Plays – get it?) calling out to The Insane Pyromaniacs.

So, anyway, Kitty sank to the bottom of the sea, and then it was Remy to the Rescue! He pulled her up to the surface, tried to swim to shore with her, failed, gave up, pulled the expensive-but-heavy dress off, them swam back to the docks with her.

At the dock, Bobby and Sam ran over to help Remy get Kitty up. Of course, she was still unconscious. And also not breathing. "She's not breathing!" Bobby said. We know.

"Move," Remy said, shoving Bobby and Sam aside, grabbing a knife, and cutting open the corset. As soon as he ripped it off her and shoved it at Bobby, Kitty immediately started breathing and coughing up water.

"Ah nevah would'a thought o' thaht," Sam said.

"Clearly, y've neve' been to Singapore," Remy said. Then he noticed **The Medallion** (DMP). "Where did y' get dat?" he asked Kitty.

Then Pietro, Toad, some Jamie Multiples, and some Unimportant Soldier Dudes came running over. Bobby and Sam scrambled to their feet. Pietro pointed his sword straight at Remy. "On-you-feet," he ordered. How rude.

Beast came running over. "Kitty!" he exclaimed. "Are you alright?"

"I'm, like, fine," Kitty said as Beast wrapped her in a jacket. Beast glared a Bobby, who was still holding up the corset. Bobby quickly put it down, gesturing at Remy. Beast then glared at Remy. "Shoot him," he said.

"Dad!" Kitty whined.

"What?" Beast said.

"Pietro," Kitty said. "Are you, like, really gonna kill my rescuer?"

Pietro sheathed his sword (rather disappointedly, I might add) and held his hand out to Remy. "I-believe-some-thanks-are-in-order," he said.

Remy glanced at his hand, uncertainly, then shook it. Pietro, however, grabbed his hand and pulled up his sleeve to reveal…

Nothing.

"Well, we-all-know-he's-a-pirate," Pietro said. He then proceeded inspecting Remy's stuff. Jeez. Rude AND no respect of privacy. What is wrong with this guy? "No-additional-shot-nor-power," he said as he picked up the pistol. "A-compass-that-doesn't-point-North," he said continued, and unsheathed Remy's sword about two inches. "And-I-half-expected-it-to-be-made-of-wood. You-are-without-doubt-the-worst-pirate-I've-ever-heard-of." Remember that quote, it's important to the plot later!

Well, not really, but it's important to something Toad says later. Not this chappie. Another chappie.Hehehe…Gillette…were the writers on crack when they made up that name?

"Mais y' 'ave 'eard o' moi," Remy pointed out.

And Remy wins another word joust! Remy – 3, Everyone Else – 0!

So Pietro got mad and decided to arrest him, or, as they would say back then, "clap 'im in irons".

Kitty went running after Pietro, intent on making his life miserable. "Pietro, that's, like, so not cool! Pirate…or Cajun…or, like, whatever he is, he, like, saved my life."

"One-good-deed-is-not-enough-to-redeem-a-man-of-a-life-time-of-wickedness," Pietro said.

"Dough it seems enough t' condemn 'im," Remy said. Remy – 4!

So, after Toad finally finished "clapping 'im in irons", Remy threw his chains around Kitty's neck, using her as a hostage…thing.

"No! Don't shoot!" Beast yelled. No frickin' duh.

"Commodore Pietro, mes effects, s'il vous plait," Remy said.

Pietro looked really P.O.'d, but went to get Remy's effects nonetheless.

"C'est Kitty, isn't it?" Remy asked Kitty.

"It's, like, Miss Pryde," Kitty snapped.

"Alors, Miss Pryde, if y'll be so kind," Remy said. "Come, come, chérie, we don' 'ave all day." Kitty grudgingly took Remy's effects from Pietro. "Maintenant, if y'll be trés kind," Remy said, and Kitty – very P.O.'dly, I might add – put all of his effects on him, while Remy smirked over her shoulder at Pietro.

"You're, like, despicable," Kitty said.

"Sticks et stones, amour," Remy said. "I saved ta vie, y' save mine. We're square." He whirled her around so that she was facing Pietro, Beast, the Jamie Multiples, and the Unimportant Soldier Dudes. "Gentlemen, milady," he added to Kitty. "Y' will always remember dis day as de day y' almost caught Captain Remy LeBeau." And he released Kitty and shoved her at Pietro and Beast, then ran for it, jumping on some lever so that a cannon crashed through the dock, and a few Unimportant Soldier Dudes fell in (you'll notice now why I still have the Unimportant Soldier Dudes – cuz they do the less amiable tasks).

"Now, will you shoot him?" Beast said, and lo and behold, they actually started shooting. They all had pretty bad aim, considering none of them hit Remy, although Remy had a blast flying around on the swinging…lever…thing.

He jumped off the lever onto a wooden pulley, threw his chains around a rope, and slid down it. That looks like fun. I don't wanna try it. So he ran down the dock, while the Jamie Multiples ran after him, shooting and missing…badly.

Pietro stood on the dock, looking pretty P.O.'d, cuz Remy had shown him up…again. "Gillette-"

"It's **Toad**, yo!" Toad snapped.

"Toad, Mr. LeBeau-has-a-dawn-appointment-with-the-gallows. I'd-hate-for-him-to-miss-it."

"Aye aye, Captain," Toad said, and ran – well, hopped – off with the rest of the Jamie Multiples.

"It's-Commodore!" Pietro yelled after Toad. "And-don't-you-forget-it, Venus-boy!"

"I'm not the one who uses Venus, yo!" Toad called back with a snicker.

Lance popped up for his ten seconds of torture. "How did you know?" he asked.

"Uh…" And Toad and Pietro backed away from Lance slowly…then ran for it.

"Seriously," Lance said to himself. "How did they know?" And he walked off, still pondering that, completely unaware of the little joke The Authoress had been running about Lieutenant Gillette.

Duh, cuz he's not in this parody. So Lance went poof.

And the Jamie Multiples ran by a statue of a blacksmith holding a sword…something isn't right about that…but they sure as hell didn't notice…

And cut.

* * *

**(1)** – Famous Scooby-Doo line. The villain always says that when he/she/it gets caught at the end. I think. I don't watch Scooby-Doo, but my mom's ex loves it. I was FORCED to watch one of the cartoon movies! BLEH!

**(2)** – That idea actually popped into my head when I was falling asleep in a car. Being an idiot, I had left my little notebook behind, and then this idea popped into my head: **Redneck Shrek**. If you want me to feed that little plotbunny, let me know.

Yeppers, the end of the chappie! For now. Up next: Remy hides in a blacksmith's smithy, Kurt and Remy have a Big Flashy Swordfight, we all ponder if Kurt's a eunuch or not, Kitty tries to murder The Authoress for saying that, Remy in jail, Kitty and Amara discussing Pietro and Kurt, The Cursed Pirates come, Kurt kills a Cursed Pirate, Roberto gets shot in the head, Evan and Scott kidnap Kitty, Kurt sees the Cursed Pirate that he killed…alive, Kurt confused, Kurt gets hit in the head and knocked out, we meet Magneto, Kitty's aboard the _Black Pearl_, and that should be enough.

Until next time: Do review!


	3. Cursed Jamie Multiples!

**..: Cursed Jamie Multiples:..**

Thank you to **heartsyhawk**, **EE's Skysong**, **psychobunny410**, **enigmagirl2727**, **fudje**, and **PyroManiac **(yup, noticed you changed your name) for reviewing! Yep, **heartsyhawk**, I have developed a thing for using Captain Remy LeBeau. He'll be back…again…in X Mulan 2! Well, technically, he won't, cuz he'll be General Remy. Fancy feathery helmet and all (yes, the same one the Old General Li used to wear). **EE's Skysong**, did I do it again? You're gonna do a Shrek parody? Aishk…I'm not psychically stealing these things, I swear! I have ESPN, not ESP. I was planning on starring the New Recruits (mainly Sam and Rahne…and Bobby), but if you've already been planning it, I won't do it. I have so many parody possibilities in my head, it isn't even funny anymore. Well, actually it is funny, but, yeah. Damn plotbunnies! And **PyroManiac**, yes, Redneck Shrek is definitely a parody. _If_ I write it, it'd definitely be after X Mulan 2. Definitely! But XM2 won't be until after I finish MotC.

Guess what? I got Mulan 2! I gotta say, it's pretty good for a movie 2. Especially a Disney Movie 2. They always tend to flop…but Mulan 2 wasn't so bad. Still nowhere near as good as Mulan, but still not bad. The songs weren't as good as the ones in the original, either. And Shang…well, he's definitely not the Imposing Captain Figure Dude that he was in Mulan. In fact, Mushu actually plays multiple pranks on him (Pyro's gonna have fun with that! Remy, however, most likely won't). And Remy pulls an Aragorn! Do you know what I mean when I say that? I hope not, I made that up myself! But really, he does. I'm not saying any more, so I don't spoil it for you guys. But if you haven't seen it by the time I put up XM2, well, then, too bad! I will be parodying it as soon as this ficcie is _fini_.

DISCLAIMER: "**What's Pepsidant?**" "Go look it up in the dictionary!" "_Actually, it's a toothpaste._"

* * *

Remy pulled his sword out of the statue's hand and ran into the smithy. How do we know it's a smithy? Because the sign hanging over the door said CREED on it and had a picture of a hammer and anvil, which, as we all know, is the symbol for a blacksmith.

So he ran into the smithy and wandered around trying to find something to get those damn chains off, accidentally dropping one of his cards onto a nearby anvil.

I still don't get how he missed the passed out drunk (coughSABERTOOTHcough) (sneezeCATNIPOVERDOSEachoo) until the ball of yarn in said drunk's hand slipped and hit the floor. Remy wandered over to him and poked him. Nothing happened. Remy started to walk away, then whirled around and yelled, "Whoa!" Still nothing. Wow, Sabey must've really overdosed on that catnip.

Then Remy went back to looking for something to get those damn chains off. He tried using a hammer and anvil, but failed miserably. Poor dude. And then he saw the gears. And then he saw Joe the Donkey. And then he picked up a poker.

Poor Joe. So after he felt the poker, he ran – well, hoofed – and got the machine thingie working. Remy looped his chains over a gear and walked along with the machine, until…CLANK! And the chains broke. Too bad Remy didn't have any time to celebrate, cuz just at that moment Kurt decided to come back. Remy dove to hide.

Kurt came in and calmed Joe the Donkey down, took of his jacket, and saw Sabertooth in the exact same spot he had been. "Right vhere I left you," he said. Then he noticed the hammer. "Not vhere I left you," he said. And then he saw the card Remy had dropped. He reached toward it…

And a sword landed on his hand. Kurt turned to see Remy pointing his sword at him. Kurt started backing away. "You're the one the they're hunting," he said. "The pirate."

Remy kept Kurt at sword-point. "Y' seem familiar. "'as Remy t'reatened y' before?"

Kurt glared at him. "I make it a point of avoiding familiarity vith pirates," he said.

"Ah," Remy said. "Well, it would be a shame to put a mark on y' record. So if y'll excuse Remy…" And he turned to leave. Kurt, however, grabbed a sword and pointed it at Remy. "Do y' t'ink dis wise, garcon?" Remy said. "Crossin' blades wit' a pirate?"

"You threatened Miss Pryde," Kurt said.

"Juste un peu," Remy said, then lunged at Kurt. Now, I suck at describing action, and I suck even more at describing swordfighting, so just imagine it in your heads, will ya? So they fought a little, ending with Kurt slashing at Remy. "Y' know what y're doin'. Remy'll give y' dat. Excellent form. Mais 'ow's y' footwork? If Remy step here…" Remy stepped over to the right. Kurt stepped to the right as well, and lunged at him. Remy blocked. "Très bien," Remy said. "Et maintenant Remy step again." And Remy did, indeed, step again.

Kurt matched him every time, because, as we all know, Kurt has Mad Sword Skills. Remy, being the genius that he is, somehow managed to end up with his back to the door…without Kurt even realizing it. He jumped forward, and Kurt blocked it easily. "Ta," Remy said, and ran for the door.

Kurt, however, threw his sword at the door, so that it sank through the bolt and the door itself. Right next to Remy's face. Remy grabbed the handle and tried to yank it out…about five times. Obviously, it wasn't going to budge. "Dat is a wonderful trick," Remy said, turning back to Kurt. "Except, once again, y' are between Remy et Remy's way out. Et maintenant y' 'ave no weapon."

Kurt pulled a sword out of the fire. A sword with a red-hot tip. Joe the donkey made an uncomfortable braying noise and moved further away. Remy eyed the sword warily, then ran to the right of a pole. Kurt blocked his sword with a shower of sparks, Remy lunged to the other side of the pole, and the same thing happened. They fought a little, and Kurt started losing. Then Remy wrapped the end of his chain around Kurt's sword and twisted it out of his grip. Poor Kurt.

Remy ran around the center pole of the now-moving machine, somersaulting over one of the…um…spoke thingies sticking out. Kurt grabbed another sword from the center pole and jumped back into the fight.

Remy paused in the fight to stare briefly at the many swords. "Qui makes all o' dese?" he asked.

Kurt jumped up onto one of the spoke thingies and lunged from one side of it. "I do," he said. He then lunged at Remy from the other side of the pole. "And I practice with them," He ducked to the other side of the pole as Remy slashed at him. "Three hours a day!"

Kurt jumped down at Remy, who ran up onto one of the spoke thingies. "Y' need to find y'self une fille, homme," he said, then jumped off the spoke thingie and ran and grabbed a hammer hanging down from the rotating machine. Kurt lunged at him again, and they fought for a little before Remy stopped, blocking Kurt's sword over his head. "Ou," he said. "Perhaps de reason y' practice t'ree 'ours a day is dat y've found one et are ot'erwise incapable o' wooin' said strumpet," Remy mused out loud. "Y're not a eunuch, are y'?" he asked, looking down.

Kurt glared at Remy. Is it a bad time to mention that he somehow now has **two** swords? "I practice three hours a day so that vhen I meet a pirate, I can kill it!"

"Oh, so we pirates are 'its' maintenant?" Remy said, highly offended…even though he isn't even really a pirate.

Kurt slashed at Remy, who backed up…right onto a makeshift seesaw, or a wooden board with two wheels in the exact middle of it. Don't ask me what that was doing there (shifts eyes). Kurt ran up onto it, right after Remy, so that the wooden whatevers supporting one end broke. Remy backed up, and the other end slid off the stone ledge supporting the other. They fought some more, or tried to **look** like they were fighting, and tried not to fall off.

Then Kurt did some nifty little trick with his sword, getting Remy's chain tangled in it, and then stuck it in a wooden beam above them. Score…some number…for Kurt! Except then Remy stomped on a loose board, so that the other end flew up and smacked Kurt in the face, knocking him off the seesaw…thing and onto the ground. Ouch.

Meanwhile, Remy pulled himself up to the beam and used his entire body weight to try to pull that damn sword out, pressing his feet against the beam (yes, he is hanging upside down). Of course, what goes up must come down. And down Remy went.

But just as Remy fell, Kurt got up and climbed back onto the seesaw…thing. And of course, what comes down must go up. (Just kidding. Never mention that, it defies the laws of Physics.) And up Kurt flew. Of course, he could have teleported (or even jumped) to the ground, but instead decided to have a Flashy Swordfight on the rafters.

Remy got up, ran back onto the seesaw…thing to see…no one. Obviously, he had missed Kurt going flying up into the rafters. But no matter, Remy realized that Kurt was up above somewhere. And he looked up just in time to see Kurt cut some barrels loose. They came tumbling down, landed on the other end of the seesaw…thing, and sent Remy flying up to join Kurt. Whee!

Except Remy climbed up onto a beam parallel to Kurt's. So Remy jumped over to Kurt's beam…just as Kurt jumped over to Remy's beam. Then they both jumped back to their original beams. Talk about pointless. So Remy jumped over to Kurt's beam, and Kurt STAYED PUT! Good Kurt. And then they fought some more. Only the risk had increased to not only getting cut apart, but also breaking their necks (or some other bone in their body) if they lost their balance. What fun!

Just as Remy lunged forward to possibly stab Kurt through, Kurt jumped to the other beam. So Remy, after teetering a bit, jumped over to the other beam to fight some more. Except Kurt managed to knock aside Remy's sword. Poor Remy. So Remy jumped down, followed by Kurt (even though I still don't get why he didn't just bamf down). So Remy ran for a bag of sand…and used it to blind Kurt. Only momentarily! Don't kill me! So while Kurt was busy trying to protect his eyes, Remy kicked his sword aside and pointed his pistol at him. How rude.

"You cheated," Kurt said, stating the obvious.

"Pirate," Remy replied, also stating the obvious. Then he heard the Jamie Multiples trying to break the door down. Of course, Kurt decided to be a brave idiot and blocked the back door. "Move," Remy said.

"No," Kurt said.

"Move, s'il vous plait," Remy said.

"No!" Kurt said. "I can't just step aside and let you escape."

"Y' could teleport aside," Remy suggested.

"That's the same thing!" Kurt pointed out.

Remy turned the safety off on his pistol. "Dis shot is not meant f' y'," he said.

Then he was knocked out by Sabertooth's ball of yarn and fell to the ground unconscious. Ouch. That's gonna bruise.

The Jamie Multiples finally broke the door down and ran in to point their guns at an obviously-unconscious-Remy. "Excellent-work, Mr.-Creed," Pietro said. "You've-assisted-in-the-capture-of-a-dangerous-fugitive."

The catnip still obviously had its effect on Sabey. "Just doing my civic duty, sir," he slurred.

Kurt rolled his eyes, but didn't say a word. Obviously, they hadn't seen his and Remy's Big Flashy Sword Match.

"Well, I-trust-you-will-always-remember-this-as-the-day-that-Captain-Remy-LeBeau-almost-escapted," Pietro said. "Take-him-away."

No duh.

**Later, In Jail…**

Caliban, Façade, and Scaleface were whistling and waving a bone at a dog that had the keys in its mouth. "Come here, boy," Scaleface cooed. "Want a nice juicy bone? Come here. Come on."

The dog stared at them with a you-gotta-be-kidding-me look on its face. Probably because said dog was, in fact, a girl.

Remy, in the next cell, rolled his eyes. "Y' can keep doin' dat forever, de dog is never goin' to' move," he said.

"Well, excussse usss if we haven't resssigned ourssselvesss to the gallowsss yet," Caliban said.

"I wonder why Callisto hasn't come to help us?" Façade said.

"Ah, ouai," Remy said. "She told Remy t' tell y' dat it's over between y' two. She only used y' as an excuse t' dump Evan."

Façade drooped visibly, then sighed and went back to luring the dog with the bone. Or **trying** to lure the dog.

**In Kitty's Room…**

Amara scooped come coals into a bed warmer and tucked it between Kitty's sheets. "There you go, Miss," she said, clearly hating her role as a (insert shudder here) servant. "It was a difficult day for you, I'm sure."

"Well, I, like, suspected Pietro would, like, propose," Kitty said. "But I, like, gotta admit I wasn't, like, entirely prepared for it."

"I **meant** you being threatened by that pirate," Amara said. "Idiot." Forge coughed, turning his arm into something that looked like a portable torture chamber. "I mean," Amara said. "Sounds terrifying."

"Oh yeah," ty said. "Yeah, it was, like, terrifying."

"But the Commodore proposed," Amara said. "Fancy that. Now that's a smart match, Miss, if it's not too bold to say."

"It is, like, a smart match," Kitty agreed. "He's a fine man, he's what any woman would, like, dream of marrying."

"Well, that Kurt Wagner," Amara said. "He's a fine man, too." Hint, hint.

"That's, like, too bold," Kitty said.

"Well, begging your pardon, Miss," Amara said. "It wasn't my place." And she left, muttering about being cast as a servant, and that she better get a good role nest time. Don't worry, you will.

"I will?" Amara said.

"Yeah, you, Jubilee, and Tabby will be the princesses Su, Mei, and Ting Ting.

"Finally!" Amara said.

But you're related to Evan.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Evan said.

Evan, your own aunt created a fanclub dedicated to hating you.

"You've got a point there," Evan admitted.

Amara shrugged. "The point is, I get to be a princess!"

Yeah, yeah. Now go away.

And Amara went away, leaving Kitty to ponder and fiddle with **The Medallion **(DMP). Then the candle next to her flickered out. Ooh, scary.

**Meanwhile, At The Smithy…**

Kurt was hammering away at a new sword, when he heard something and looked out a little window at the deserted street where a cat was running away down an alley. Of course, he didn't realize that when you see animals heading for the hills, SO SHOULD YOU!

**A Ship, A Scary Ship…**

…Was pulling into the dock. Ho-hum, I wonder what it's planning to do…

**At The Fort…**

Beast and Pietro were wondering around the fort. "Has my daughter given you an answer yet?" Beast asked Pietro.

"No," Pietro said.

"Well, she's had a very trying day," Beast said, and changed the subject. Talk about tact. "Ghastly wether, don't you t hink?"

"Bleak," Pietro said. "Very-bleak."

There was s thud in the distance, and Beast stopped. "What was that?"

"Cannon-fire!" Pietro yelled, tackling Beast. "Return-fire!"

**In Jail…**

Remy heard the cannon fire. "Remy know dose guns," he said, and looked out of his little window at the ship firing away. At the fort, Pietro was bellowing something about calling men to arms. "It's do _Pearl_."

"The _Black Pearl_?" Caliban said. "I've heard ssstoriesss. She'sss been preying on shipsss and sssettlementsss for almossst ten yearsss. Never leavesss any sssurvivorsss."

"No survivors?" Remy repeated. "Den où do de stories come from, Remy wonder?"

Caliban wisssely shut up.

**And Here Come The Cursed Pirates…**

It was chaos. The cannons on the _Black Pearl_ were firing away merrily while sailors ran around, trying to save things/themselves. Ooh, I think someone just got blown up!

Oh yeah, it was also mayhem in the streets. People ran around wildly, trying to get somewhere. Cannons were blowing things up everywhere. A stunt Jamie Multiple got thrown into a stand. Painfully. Ouch. And a little toddler wandered around crying. Poor little dude. Then a wooden tower thingie fell, almost on him. Luckily, his mommy (or some kind lady) scooped him up and ran for it.

And then The Cursed Pirates came ashore. I would like to point out now just how difficult it is for a group as large of them to spill out of boats onto slippery watery ground and run up to the settlement, trying not to bun anyone with a torch, or stab someone through with a sword, and still roar and look all menacing. Not the easiest task in the world.

Evan and Scott got off the boats and paused while Scott adjusted his wooden ruby quartz sunglasses that were taped in the middle like Harry Potter. Sorry, couldn't resist.

So they ran into the settlement wreaking havoc, committing homicides, typical pirate stuff. One Cursed Jamie Multiple was having the time of his life lighting hand-held bombs and throwing them through windows.

Kurt ran from the smithy, grabbing a sword, hatchet, and a knife. The Cursed Jamie Multiple bombing things ran right by him, and he threw the hatchet right into his back so that he fell over dead. Then Kurt ran into the fray, grabbing the hatchet from the "dead" Jamie Multiple.

Things weren't going so well at the fort, either. They were getting bombed badly. One Jamie Multiple went flying through the air, screaming like an idiot. Whee! Pietro was yelling out orders. "Sight-the-muzzle-flash! I-need-a-full-strike-fore-and-aft!" Beast came walking up to him. "Beast, barricade-yourself-in-my-office." Another cannonball slammed into the fort, and Beast instinctively shielded himself from the flying debris. "That's-an-order!" Pietro yelled.

**At Beast's House…**

Kitty looked out her window and saw all the mayhem. Then several pirates (led by Evan and Scott) ran through the gates and up to the house. Kitty ran downstairs just as they knocked. Rob, being an idiot, went to answer it. "Like, don't!" Kitty yelled.

Too late. Rob opened the door to see Evan, Scott, and a few Cursed Jamie Multiples. "Dude! Wassup!" Evan said, then shot him point-blank.

EMOO and LLAMA came running over. "Oh my Rob, he killed Rob!" LLAMA said.

"He's committed homicide!" EMOO yelled. They then began beating Evan senseless with their skateboards of DOOM.

"But-" Evan began, and was whacked by a skateboard of DOOM. "I-" WHAM. "He-" THUD. "It-" CRACK. Evan grinned at them stupidly, showing a number of missing teeth. Not to mention the black eye, broken nose, and several scratches, cuts, gashes, and bruises all over him. "Mommy can I have a cream puff?" he asked. EMOO broke her skateboard of DOOM on his head. "Get the number of the elephant that sat on me," Evan said hazily, and fell flat on his face.

You do realize that everyone who dies in my parodies are later resurrected, right?

"Really?" LLAMA said.

Really really.

"Even JOTT?" EMOO asked.

Even JOTT. I need to reuse them for torture.

"Oh."

Rob jumped back up, freshly resurrected. "Glad that's over," he said, and wandered offstage. EMOO and LLAMA left to go get EMOO a new skateboard of DOOM. Evan was Divine Intervention'dly (henceforth known as DI'dly cuz I'm a lazy person like that) healed, only because he was in this scene. And the pirates spilled in. And Kitty attempted to muffle a scream. Badly.

Scott and Evan walked in and saw Kitty. "Up there!" Scott said. Kitty turned and ran upstairs, locking the door behind her. She turned to run…and ran straight into Amara, scaring the crap out of both of them. "Kitty, they've come to kidnap you!" Amara said.

"What?" Kitty said.

"You're the Governor's daughter," Amara said.

"In here!" Evan's voice yelled outside, and then the doorknob started rattling.

"Listen," Kitty said. "They haven't, like, seen you. Hide, and the first chance you get, like, run to the fort." And she turned and ran the other way, distracting Evan and Scott. They ran after her…and Evan got smacked in the face by her bed warmer. Amara ran down the stairs and out the door, off to the fort.

Scott grabbed the bed warmer's pole. "Gotcha!" he said. Then Kitty opened the bed warmer, spilling hot coals all over Scott. Kitty ran down the stairs, Evan hot on her heels. Scott jumped over the stairs, landing right in front of her. Oops. Trapped. She saw a Cursed Jamie Multiple come walking out with an armful of gold jewelry…then they all watched said Cursed Jamie Multiple get taken out by a cannonball. Kitty ran by while they were distracted, just missing getting crushed by a falling chandelier. She ran into the dining room, holding the doors together with a candelabra. Then she saw the crossed swords on a decoration and went to pull one out. Unfortunately for her, it wouldn't budge. Stupidly forgetting that she could've just phased it out, she looked around for somewhere to hide…

Evan and Scott burst through the doors. "We know you're here, popped," Evan called out.

"Poppet," Scott repeated stupidly.

"Come out and we promise we won't hurt you," Evan said.

"Eh?" Scott said.

Evan gave him a Look. "We **will** find you, poppet," he continued. "You've got something of ours, and it calls to us." He saw the flipped corner of the carpet, and then the oversized cupboard beyond it. "The gold calls to us," he said.

"Gold," Scott repeated stupidly…again.

Kitty looked down at **The Medallion** (DMP) around her neck, then back through the crack in the oversized cupboard…just in time to see the light through the crack disappear and be replaced by Evan's face. "Hello, poppet. Can I stop saying poppet now?"

Forge shrugged. "You should know your lines."

Evan rolled his eyes and opened the oversized cupboard doors. "Parley!" Kitty said.

Evan stopped. "What?" he said.

"I, like, invoke the right of parley," Kitty said. "According to the Code of the Brethren, like, set down by the pirates, like, Morgan and Bartholomew, you have to, like, take me to your Captain."

"I know the Code," Evan said.

"If an adversary, like, demands parley, you can do them no harm until the parley is, like, complete," Kitty said.

"To blazes with the Code!" Scott said.

"She wants to be taken to the captain, idiot," Evan snapped at him. "And she'll go without a fuss," he said to Kitty. "We must honor the Code."

"Okay, that was, like, a totally freaky look you just, like, gave me right then," Kitty said.

**Back In the Streets…**

Yep. Still mayhem. Kurt was swordfighting with a Cursed Jamie Multiple, and losing. The Cursed Jamie Multiple was holding him totally defenseless. "Say goodbye!" he said.

Then a cannonball blew up the chain holding the sign above them. Kurt ducked, and the sign flew into the Cursed Jamie Multiple, sending him flying through the glass window into the burning building behind him. "Goodbye," Kurt said, and turned back to the mayhem, hatchet held high. Then he saw Kitty being taken away by Evan and Scott.

"Kurt!" Kitty called.

"Come on!" Evan snapped at her.

"Kitty!" Kurt yelled, about to go after her. Then he stopped when he saw the same Cursed Jamie Multiple that had been bombing things earlier…the very same Cursed Jamie Multiple that he had personally killed…what's going on here? The Cursed Jamie Multiple grinned down at the fizzing bomb right at Kurt's feet. And then it fizzed out. Kurt gave him a "nice try" look, then a "ooh I'm seeing stars" look as another Cursed Jamie Multiple ran by and hit him on the head, knocking him out. Ouch.

**Back In Jail…**

Remy, watching through his little window, saw a cannonball headed towards them, and dived out of the way.

He really needn't have bothered. It slammed through Caliban, Façade, and Scaleface's cell, making a nice big hole that Remy couldn't get to. Façade and Scaleface climbed out. "My sssympathiesss, friend," Caliban said. "You've absssolutely no luck at all." Then he climbed out too. May I now point out that the moon is now partially uncovered?

Remy picked up the bone and started waving it and whistling at the dog. "Come on, doggy," Remy said. "It's just y' et moi mainenant. It's just y' et ol' Remy. Come on. Come get de bone." Maybe the dog felt sorry for him…or maybe the dog was just hungry. Either way, it started walking over to him…slowly. "Dat's a good boy," Remy said. "Come on. A bit closer. Dat's it, doggy. Come on, y' filt'y, slimy, mangy cur."

Then a door slammed open, and the dog ran away. "Non non non!" Remy yelled. "Remy didn' mean it…merde."

A soldier fell down the stairs, obviously dead, and in walked Rob and a Cursed Jamie Multiples. Okay, from now on, Cursed Jamie Multiples are CJMs. Soldier Jamie Multiples are SJMs. And Tortugan Jamie Multiples are TJMs. It's just too much to write out. Yes, I'm reusing Rob cuz he had a tiny role, and this one talks later. "This ain't the armory!" the CJM said. Rob saw Remy in his little cell. "Well, well, well," Rob said. "Look what we have here. Captain Remy LeBeau." And he spat at Remy.

"Last time I saw you," the CJM said. "You were all alone on a godforsaken island, shrinking into the distance."

"His fortunes haven't improved much," Rob said.

"Worry about y' own fortunes, hommes," Remy said. "De deepest circle of hell is reserved fo' betrayers et mutineers."

Rob grabbed Remy's throat through the bars. And through the moonlight. "So dere **is** a curse," Remy said, looking down at the rotting bones. "Dat's interestin'."

"You know nothing of hell," Rob said, and let go of Remy's throat. Then he and the CJM left.

Remy looked at the bone he had been using to call the dog earlier, then back at where the CJMs had been a few moments ago. "Dat's very interestin'," he said.

And now the moon is covered again.

**On the _Black Pearl_…**

All the CJMs were rowing back to the _Black Pearl_, Kitty among them. Magneto watched as the CJMs came back onboard. Then he just about collapsed as Monkey Dude climbed onto his shoulder. "Just because you're my monkey doesn't mean you have tosit on my shoulder!" he yelled.

"Sorry," Monkey Dude said, not sounding sorry at all.

Evan dragged Kitty towards Magneto, but Ray (yes, I'm reusing him cuz Bo'sun talks later, if I'm correct) stopped them. "I didn't know we was taking on captives," he said.

"She's invoked the right of parley with Captain Magneto,"Evan said.

Kitty stepped forward. "I'm, like, here to-"

Ray bitch-slapped her. How rude. "You'll speak when spoken to," he said.

Magneto grabbed Ray's arm. "And you will not lay a hand on those under the protection of parley."

"Aye, sir," Ray said.

"My apologies, miss," Magneto said to Kitty.

"Like, Captain Magneto," Kitty said. "I'm, like, here to, like, negotiate the, like, cessation of, like, hostilities against, like, Port Royal."

"There were a lot of 'like's in there," Magneto said. "We're naught but humble Acolyte Pirates. What is it you want?"

"I, like, want you to, like, leave and, like, never come back," Kitty said.

"I'm, like, disinclined to, like, acquiesce to, like, your request," Magneto countered. "Means 'no.'"

"Like, fine," Kitty said, walking over to the edge of the ship and holding **The Medallion **(DMP) over the water. "I'll, like, drop it."

"My holds are bursting with swag," Magneto said. "That bit of shine matters to us? Why?"

"It's, like, what you've been searching for. I, like, recognize this ship. I saw it, like, eight years ago on the crossing from England."

"Did you, now?" Magneto said.

"Like, fine," Kitty said. "I suppose if it's, like, worthless, there's no point in me, like, keeping it." And **The Medallion** (DMP) inched down a little on its chain.

"No!" Magneto said, all the CJMs…plus Monkey Dude, Evan, Scott, Ray, and Rob…automatically jerking forward. Kitty smirked at them. "Fine," Magneto said, walking towards Kitty, who bundled up **The Medallion** (DMP) and its chain. "You have a name, missy?"

"Kitty…Wagner," Kitty said. "I'm a maid in the Governor's household."

Magneto turned back to the CJMs. "Miss Turner," he said.

"Mystique," Evan said.

Magneto turned back to Kitty. "How does a maid own a trinket such as that?" he asked. "Family heirloom, perhaps?"

"I didn't, like, steal it, if that's what you, like, mean," Kitty said. (coughLIARcough)

"Very well, hand it over," Magneto said, holding out his hand. "We'll put your town to our rudder and ne'er return." Kitty dropped it into his hand, and he gave it to Monkey Dude, who scampered off to…somewhere.

"Our bargain?" Kitty said. Magneto turned and walked away, and Ray started shouting out orders. "Still the guns and stow 'em, signal the men, set the flags and make good to clear port!"

"Like, wait!" Kitty yelled, running after Magneto. "You have to, like, take me to shore! According to the Code of the Order of the Brethren-"

Magneto turned around. "First, your return to shore was not part of our agreement. So I must do nothing. And second, you must a pirate for the Code to apply, and your not. And thirdly, the Code is more what you'd call guidelines than actual rules. Welcome aboard the _Black Pearl_, Miss Wagner!"

* * *

Whew! That was longer than usual. To anyone that's curious, a bo'sun (what Ray is – except in the movie they just used that as the dude's name) is also known as a boatswain, who is the person in charge of rigging, anchors, cables, etc, etc, etc. Yeah. Something tells me I'm gonna be reusing people a lot. Oh well. Next time: Kurt wakes up, Kurt and Pietro get into an argument, Kurt goes to Remy for help, Kurt frees Remy, Kurt learns how to breathe underwater using only a rowboat, Kurt gets a hands-on lesson in commandeering, Pietro looks like an idiot, and that'll be it. If I go further, I'd have to include Tortuga, and then it would take me WEEKS to update. Wait, it already has. Well, it would take me even longer. Review, please! 


	4. The Best Pirate You've Ever Seen

**..: The Best Pirate You've Ever Seen :..**

Thank you to **psychobunny410**, **PyroManiac**, **heartsyhawk**, and **Sangofanatic** for reviewing! **Psychobunny410**, sorry about the French words thing! I'll put the translations at the end of each chappie from now on, okee? And the Kitty "like" thing…yeah, I was overdoing it on purpose. Why? Cuz I felt like it XD. **PyroManiac**, DUDE! I totally forgot about Rahne! Ehh…no worries, I made up for it in this chappie. Yes, Redneck Shrek would be for Shrek 1, or just plain ol' Shrek. Putting the X-Men in Scary Movie would be frickin hilarious! I've only seen Scary Movie 3, though…but it's cool! Make it a trilogy! **Heartsyhawk**, yeah, I TOTALLY thought they killed off Shang too! You should've seen me…I was just staring at the screen, bug-eyed, mouth wide open, just pointing at it and mouthing wordlessly. My first thought was "GASP! Heartsyhawk's PSYCHIC!" Then I thought, "It's a Disney movie! They wouldn't do something that depressing since Bambi…right? Right?" And then when he burst up out of the water, I was all, "Oh, he SO pulled an Aragorn!" (in LotR: tRotK, Aragorn gets rescued by his horsie too, after falling off a cliff. Sound familiar?) Yes, I love the Tortugian-chicks-slap-Jack scene, too! And then the Anamaria-slaps-Jack scene, too! But Tortuga won't be till the next chappie…sorry! If I put it in, it would've been WAY too long. But no worries, cuz you get 2 chappies today! **Sangofanatic**, I'm sure someone loves Ray…just not in this ficcie. In XM2, he'll get some love…after he shoves chopsticks in his nose, gets punched by a girl, cracks off joke after joke after joke, and then gets fireworks exploded right next to him. Poor dude.

Hey there! Sorry it took so long to update! After school dance classes started Monday, so…yeah. I now get home late Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Again. Everyone knows that Monkey Dude is Mastermind, right? I just call him Monkey Dude, cuz, admit it, he REALLY looks like a monkey. Oh yeah, about Pietro's speed-talk…putting in all those hyphens REALLY pissed me off, so he's gonna talk like a normal person now! Well, he'll still talk speed-esque, but just imagine, would ya?

Hey! I've finally decided on a movie for LANCITTY. How does **The Princess Bride** sound? If you don't like it…too bad, I'm gonna do it anyway! But it's a ways down on the waiting list. And then when I was half-asleep in Algebra class I got the SCARIEST idea for the FREAKIEST movie ever: **The Lizzie McGuire Movie**, starring Wanda! Why? Because she's just about as far from Lizzie as you can get. (Oh, BTW, I hate Hilary Duff, and anything affiliated with Hilary Duff. Why? She can't sing, she sure as hell can't dance, and she can't act. And she thinks she's all that.) Well, except for Rogue, but I've done ROMY enough. Plus, I've been wanting to put Wanda in a ficcie. Whaddya think? LANCITTY The Kitten Bride and TONDA (yes, TONDA…it totally fits the story) Mutant McGuire. Although I'm -eh- about the latter. And if I am accidentally biting off someone's idearr, I am SO SORRY! I keep doing this, I really don't mean to!

To anyone who's read X Mulan…in this chappie, there is the quote that you ALL missed! HINT: The person who said it in X Mulan (Chappie 7: The Avalanche Caused By Avalanche) is also in this chappie! But the same person doesn't say the line. Can ANYBODY find it? Jamie knows EXACTLY how to scare the crap out of that pimple-covered buck-toothed teen so that he'll give him free ice cream…show him a picture of Evan in his boxers! (Although, come to think of it, that would scare the crap out of just about everyone…except maybe Callisto.) GO LOOK FOR IT!

Okay, so since this took so long to update, you guys get TWO chappies today!

**DISCLAIMER: **

"Okay, let's take it from the T-O-P!"

"Uh, what's the T-O-P?"

"The top, Adam, the top."

* * *

Kurt woke up to find chickens pecking at the food around him. "Did someone get the number of the bus that hit me?" he said, then got up and stared out at the harbor, just now realizing that it was morning, and that Kitty was missing.

Kurt ran over to where Pietro, Toad, Beast, and some SJMs were looking at a map. "They've taken her," he said. "They've taken Kitty!"

Pietro didn't even glance up from his map. "Mr. Drake," he said. Remove this man." Bobby went to do so, but Kurt shook him off. "Ve have to hunt them down," he said. "Ve must save her."

"And where do you propose we start?" Beast said. "If you have any information concerning my daughter-who-is-really-not-my-daughter, please share it!"

Kurt blinked.

"That Remy LeBeau," Bobby piped up. "He talked about the _Black Pearl_."

"Mentioned it is more what he did," Sam corrected.

"And you didn't say anything 'till NOW?" Kurt demanded, grabbing Bobby by the collar.

"Kurt…" Forge said warningly.

Kurt dropped Bobby. "I mean…" He cleared his throat. "Ask him vhere it is. Make a deal vith him. He could lead us to it!"

"No," Pietro said. "The pirates who invaded this fort left Gambit locked in his cell, ergo they are not his allies. Beast," Pietro said to Beast. "We will establish their most likely course and-"

Kurt slammed his hatchet down on Pietro's map. "Vell," he yelled. "If you're going to shoot down every idea I come up vith, I'll just go talk to Remy myself." With that, he turned tail (literally) and stomped off toward the prison.

A minute later, he came stomping back and grabbed his hatchet. "This is mine," he said defiantly and bamfed off to the prison.

**In Prison…**

Remy was picking away at the lock on his door with a bone. Then he heard Kurt opening the door to the prison (although that made no sense, since he could've just bamfed in).

Kurt came stomping in. "You," he said. "Gambit."

Remy looked up from where he was lying on the floor. "Oui," he said.

"You are familiar vith that ship. The _Black Pearl_," Kurt said.

"Remy's heard of it," Remy said.

"Vhere does it make berth?" Kurt asked. Now don't go getting that confused with birth. Birth is much more painful.

"Où does it make bert'?" Remy repeated. "Have y' not heard de stories?"

Kurt blinked.

Remy sighed and laid his back flat on the ground. "Captain Magneto and his crew of miscreants sailed from de dread Île de Morte."

"Spanish, Gambit," Forge said. "Not French."

"Isla de Muerta," Remy said. "It's an island dat can't be found except by dose qui already know où it is."

"The ship's real enough," Kurt said. "Therefore, it's anchorage must be a real place. Vhere is it?"

"Pourquoi ask Remy?" Remy said.

"Because you're a pirate," Kurt said.

"Et y' want to turn pirate y'self, is dat it?" Remy asked.

Kurt grabbed the bars. "Never," he said.

Remy gave him a Look.

"They took Miss Pryde," Kurt finally admitted.

"Oh, it is dat y've found y'self une fille!" Remy said, sitting up. "Remy see. Well, if y're intendin' to brave all, hasten to her rescue, et so win fair lady's heart, y'll have to do it alone, homme. Remy see no profit in it for Remy."

"I can get you out of here," Kurt said.

"How's dat?" Remy asked. "De key's run off to play fetch avec Rahne et Sam."

"I helped build these cells," Kurt said. "These are half-pin barrel hinges. Vith the right leverage and the proper application of strength-" He braced a bench against the cell. "The door vill lift free," he finished.

"What's y' name?" Remy asked.

"Kurt Vagner," Kurt said.

"Dat would be German, Remy suppose," Remy said.

"Vell," Kurt said. "I'm from Germany, but I vas adopted after being found in a river."

"Well, Monsieur Wagner," Remy said. "Remy's changed Remy's mind. If y' spring moi from dis cell, Remy swear on pain of deat', Remy will take y' to de _Black Pearl_ et y'r jolie fille. D'accord?" He stuck out his hand through the cell.

Kurt shook it. "D'accord," he said.

"D'accord!" Remy repeated eagerly. "Get Remy out!"

Kurt used the bench to lift the door free. "Hurry," he said. "Someone vill have heard that."

"Not wit'out mes effects," Remy said, grabbing his effects.

**Outside…**

Remy and Kurt splashed through the water and hid under a bridge as SJMs ran aound. "Ve're gonna steal the ship?" Kurt asked. "That ship?" He nodded at the _Dauntless_.

"Commandeer," Remy said. "W're goin' to commandeer dat ship. Nautical term." He turned to Kurt. "One question about y'r business, homme, ou dere's not use goin'. Dis fille. How far are y' willin' to go to save her?"

"I'd die for her," Kurt said. Whoa. Talk about commitment.

"Oh, bon," Remy said, turning back to the ship. "No worries, den."

**Ooh, Rowboats…**

A few SJMs ran by some rowboats, looking like complete idiots. As soon as they were gone, the nearest boat grew legs and ran down to the shore. AUGH! It's alive! KILL IT! …Fine, no one listen to me.

**Under The Harbor…**

Remy and Kurt were strolling along the bottom of the harbor, holding the rowboat over their heads so they could breath. "This is either madness or brilliance," Kurt said.

"It's remarkable how often dose deux traits coincide," Remy said.

Then Kurt stepped into a weight and got his food stuck. Which is funny, considering he only ahs 2 toes and stands on the balls of his feet. He gave up trying to free his foot and kept walking.

**On The Docks…**

Rahne (in dog form) noticed a floating barrel traveling awfully quickly past the docks. Being a dog, she knew something was afoot and started barking.

However, since she was a dog, all that happened was that Ray the Harbormaster (NOT Ray the Bo'sun) gave her a Scooby Snack to shut her up. Mmm…cheesy Shaggy…**(1)**

**Aboard the _Dauntless…_**

Remy and Kurt climbed up the bow of the ship and snuck down the stairs with their pistol/sword out. Well, Reym strolled down the stairs while Kurt crept down them like he was in some cheesy spy movie.

"Everyone stay calm," Remy called out to the SJMs…plus Toad. "We are takin' over de ship."

Kurt jumped down next to Remy and pointed his sword at them. "Aye!" he yelled. "Avast!"

Well, it was no surprise that they all started laughing. Remy gave Kurt a y'-got-to-be-kiddin'-Remy look, who in turn gave Remy a vhat-did-I-do look.

"This ship can't be crewed by two men, yo," Toad said.

Remy walked up to Toad. "Fils," he said. "I'm Captain Remy LeBeau." He pointed his pistol at Toad…and charged it up.

"He used First Person!" Kurt gasped. "He's serious!"

Toad looked scared.

**At The _Interceptor…_**

SailorJMs were loading stuff onto the _Interceptor_, preparing it for its journey to who-knows-where, when Rob the High-Ranked Officer noticed something out on the harbor. "Commodore," he said.

Pietro turned to see Toad and several SJMs in a lifeboat, rowing back to the docks. He whipped out his spyglass to get a better view.

"They took the _Dauntless_, yo!" Toad yelled at him. Pietro looked over to see Remy gesturing at Kurt, who was tugging on a rope.

"Rash, Wagner," Pietro said. "Too rash. That is without doubt the worst pirate I've ever seen." How lame, he's reusing his lines!

**Onboard The _Dauntless_…**

Kurt came running up the stairs to join Remy, who was striking a cool pose with his pistol over his shoulder behind his neck. "Here they come," kurt said. Remy turned to see the _Interceptor_ approaching and grinned.

The _Interceptor_ pulled up to the _Dauntless_ and sailorJMs immediately started throwing hooks over the edge of the _Dauntless_. Everyone climbed on. "Search every cabin, every hull, down to the bilges," Pietro ordered.

As soon as all the SailorJMs and SJMs were all onboard the _Dauntless_, Remy and Kurt grabbed two ropes and swung onto the _Interceptor_. Then Remy took a hatchet and cut off all the ropes connecting the _Interceptor_ and the _Dauntless_. They immediately started sailing away, the bard connecting the two falling off both and landing in the water with a splash.

Pietro heard the splash and turned around. "Sailors," he yelled. "Back to the _Interceptor_!"

One unfortunate SailorJM tried to swing onto the _Interceptor_, but instead ended up doing a flip and landing in the harbor. Poor dude.

"Merci, Commodore, for getting' us ready to make way," Remy called from were he was steering the _Interceptor _out of the bay. "We'd have had a hard of it by ourselves."

Several SJMs ran to the edge of the ship and started firing. On the _Interceptor_, Kurt ducked – very unnecessarily, I might add. These SJMs have no aim.

"Set up topsails and clear up this mess," Pietro ordered, walking off to the stern of the _Dauntless_.

Rob the High-Ranked Officer followed him. "With the wind, we won't catch them," he said.

"I don't need to catch them," Pietro snapped. "Just get them in range of the long nines."

"Hands, come about!" Rob yelled at the SJMs. "Run out the guns! We're gonna gire on our own ship?" he added to Pietro.

"I'd rather see her at the bottom of the ocean than in the hands of a pirate," Pietro said. "Especially a Cajun pirate," he added with a shudder. Rob just looked at him strangely.

"Commodore," one of the SialorJMs said. "He's disabled the rudder chains, sir."

**Back On The Lifeboat…**

Toad turned around to see the _Dauntless_ headed right at them. "Abandon ship!" he yelled, and hopped out of the ship, closely followed by the rest of the SJMs. And then the _Dauntless_ killed the little boat.

**Back On The _Dauntless_…**

Pietro just rolled his eyes. "That's got to be the best pirate I've ever seen," Rob said.

That ticked Pietro off. "So it would seem," he said.

* * *

**(1)** These really exist! I dunno what they are for small-medium dogs, but for medium-large dogs (like my lovely Labrador Retrievers), there's beef-flavored Scooby, cheese-flavored Shaggy, chicken-flavored Scooby dog tags, and bacon-flavored Mystery Machines!

_Avec – _with

_D'accord – _agreed; okay

_Deux – _two

_Et – _and

_Fils – _son

_Île de Morte – _island of death

_Jolie – _cute

_Merci – _thank you

_Mes – _my (plural)

_Moi – _me

_Monsieur – _Mr.

_Où – _where

_Oui – _yes

_Pourquoi – _why

_Qui – _who

_Une fille – _a girl

To the next chapter!


	5. Tortugian Punch:Contains 5 Percent Bitch

**..: Tortugian Punch – Contains 5 Percent Bitch :..**

So Remy and Kurt were having a blast sailing out on the _Interceptor_…NOT! So since they were both bored shiyatless, Kurt started talking about his past. "Vhen I vas a lad living in Germany, I vas blissfully unaware of my real mother. Then I moved here to come looking for her."

"Pourquoi?" Remy asked.

"I don't know," Kurt said. "Vill's story doesn't match vith mine!"

"Good point," Remy said, and walked away. Then realization hit Kurt.

"Hey!" he said. "You knew my mother, didn't you?"

"Aren't y' perceptive," Remy muttered. "Oui, Remy knew her. One of de few dat knew her as Raven Darkholme."

"Not really," Kurt said. "Just about everyone who vent to Bayville High knew that."

"Work wit' Remy here," Remy said irritable.

"Sorry," Kurt said.

"Everyone else just called her Mystique," Remy said.

Kurt thought for a moment. "Vhere'd they get Mystique from Raven Darkhome?" he asked

"Why must y' insist on makin' dis difficult for Remy?" Remy demanded.

Kurt shrugged.

Remy rolled his eyes, but continued. "She was a bonne lady. Bonne pirate."

"It's not true!" Kurt said. "She was a…" he trailed off. "Actually, her being a pirate sounds much cooler."

"Dat's what Remy t'ought," Remy said smugly, turning to the wheel. "Mais y'r supposed to be mad at moi."

"Right." Kurt drew his sword. "My mother vas **not** a pirate!" he said.

Remy didn't even turn around. "Put it away, fils. It's not wort' y' getting' beat again."

"You ignored the rules of engagement," Kurt said. Rules, schmules. "In a fair fight, I'd kill you."

"Well, dat's not much incentive for moi to fight fair, now, is it?" Remy said, and turned the wheel so the boom swung around. It caught Kurt along the way, so that he dangled over the water. Remy picked up Kurt's sword. "Now as long as y'r just hangin' dere, pay attention," he said. "De only rules dat matter are dese. What a man can do, et what a man **can'** do. For instance, y' can accept dat y'r mother was a pirate et a bonne lady…not really…or y' can'. Pirate is in y'r blood, so y'll have to square avec dat someday. Now moi, for example. Remy can let y' drown. Main Remy can' bring dis ship into Tortuga all by me onesy, d'accord? So." Remy spun the wheel again so that Kurt landed right on his ass. Remy pointed the sword at Kurt. "Can y' sail under de command of a pirate?" He flipped the sword so the handle was facing Kurt. "Ou can y' not?"

Kurt took the sword. "Tortuga?" he asked.

"Tortuga," Remy said.

**Tortuga!**

Oh yes, lovely town. Since I don't care to describe it, picture in your minds the ride from Disneyland. Or the scene from the movie. Either one works, I believe.

Remy and Kurt came strolling in. Well, Remy strolled while Kurt walked like he was a 3rd grader in a room full of girls during Cootie Season. "More importantly," Remy was saying. "It is indeed a sad life dat has never breathed deep dis sweet bouquet dat is Tortuga, d'accord? What do y' t'ink?"

Kurt glanced down at a nearby drunk who was covered in beer both inside and out, and guzzling still more. "It'll linger," he said.

"Remy tell y', homme," Remy said. "If every town in de world were like dis one, no man would ever feel unwanted." He saw Jean walking toward him, looking pretty P.O.'d. "Jean!" he said, then winced. "Dat sounds **so **wrong."

Agreed.

Jean slapped him and walked away snootily. "Not sure Remy deserved dat," Remy said, then saw Tabitha. "Tabitha!" he said.

"Who was she?" Tabitah said.

"Quoi?" Remy said.

Tabitha slapped him. "Remy may have deserved dat," Remy said.

"SWAMP RAT!"

"Dat can't be good," Remy muttered, wincing as Rogue came marching over.

"Are yah cheatin' on meh, Swamp Rat?" Rogue demanded.

"Uh-"

"'Cuz if yah are, at least have the decency to do it with someone worth cheatin' on with," Rogue continued.

"Re-"

"Ah mean, Ah can sort of understand Tabby, but come on, JEAN of all people?" Rogue ranted.

"Mais – Remy – y' – de – it's –" Remy gave up at the look on Rogue's face. "Je t'adore?" he tried.

Tortugian Punch – Contains 5 Percent Bitch. Something tells me Remy would've preferred Hawaiian Punch…

**Sleeping With The Pigs…**

Yep. Logan was sleeping with the pigs. Talk about letting yourself go.

Remy threw a bucket of water on him, and he sat up immediately, pointing his claws at them. "Curse you for breathing, you slack-jawed idiot!" he yelled, then saw Remy. "Oh, it's just you. You should know better than to wake a man when he's sleeping. It's bad luck."

"Fortunately, Remy know how to counter it. De man who did de wakin' buys de man who was sleepin' a drink. De man who was sleepin' drinks whole listening to a proposition from do man who did de wakin'."

Logan looked confused for a moment, then nodded. "That'll work." Remy helped him up, and Kurt threw another bucket of water on him. "I'm already awake, Elf!" he yelled.

"That vas for the smell," Kurt said.

**In A Tavern…**

Remy bought the drinks and walked by Kurt, who was leaning against a pillar. "Keep a sharp eye," he said, and walked on to where Logan was sitting.

"So, Gumbo," Logan said. "What's the nature of this venture of yers?"

"Remy's going after de _Pearl_." Logan choked on his drink. "Remy know où it's goin' to be, et Remy's goin' to take it."

"Gumbo," Logan said. "It's a fool's errand. You know better than me the tales of the _Black Pearl_."

"Dat's why Remy know what Magneto's up to," Remy said. "All Remy need is a crew."

"From what I hear of Magneto," Logan said. "He's not a man to suffer fools, nor strike a bargain with one."

"Well, Remy'd say it's a good t'ing Remy's not a fool."

"Prove me wrong," Logan said. "What makes you think Barbossa'll give up his ship to you?"

"Let's just say it's a matter of leverage," Remy said.

Kurt whipped his head around. "Did he just say it's a matter of cleavage?"

"Leverage, not cleavage," Logan said to Kurt. "And get yer mind out of the gutter, Elf."

"Sorry." Kurt turned back.

Remy jerked his head at Logan. "Huh?" Logan said. Three very obvious head-jerks later, Logan finally caught on. He glanced over to where a very drunk Jean was trying to flirt with Kurt. Keyword: Trying. "The elf?" Logan said.

Remy nodded. "Dat is de child of Mystique. Her only child, d'accord?"

"Not really," Logan said.

"Her only **livin'** child," Remy said. Logan opened his mouth. "Who's blood-related," Remy added. Logan closed his mouth.

"'Leverage' says you," Logan said. "'I think I feel a change in the wind', says I. I'll find us a crew. There's bound to be some sailors on this rock as crazy as you."

"One can only hope," Remy said. "Take what y' can."

"Give nothing back," Logan said. They clinked their mugs together, drank them, and slammed them down at exactly the same time.

**Aboard The _Black Pearl_…**

Ooh, look! The moon's shining! Wait, but how is it a full moon two nights in a row? Whatever…

Evan and Scott came walking into Kitty's cabin with a dress. No, NOT the French Maid dress, that's just cruel and demeaning.

"Thank you!" Evan said.

I was talking about on Kitty.

"Damn!" Scott said.

"You'll be dining with the captain," Evan said sullenly. "And he requests you wear this."

"Well," Kitty said. "You can tell the captain that I'm, like, disinclined to acquiesce to his request."

"He said you'd say that," Evan said. "He also said if that's the case, you'll be dining with the crew. And you'll be naked." Scott giggled idiotically.

Kitty glared at them and grabbed the dress. "Fine," Evan said.

"Perverts!" Kitty shot back.

**Dinnertime!**

Some SJMs set up the food while Rob lit the candles. Oh yeah, he's doing a TON of work.

Ooh, look at all the food! There was: bread, drumsticks, berries, apples, fish, and the crowning glory: an entire pig, just staring at you with its beady little eyes…I don't even want to THINK of how they preserve those things on a ship. Now pardon me while I go retch. Just kidding! I hate throwing up. But really, ew ew ew ew EW! I mean, seriously. The skin is WRINKLED, for Sam's sake! (Yes, I swear to the New Recruits…plus Forge) And those ears…the eyes…the skin is WRINKLED! It's not even properly cooked! FOOD POISONING, I TELL YA! Glad I don't gotta eat that.

Magneto, however, did. "Haha!" Bobby said, rolling around on the floor. "You have to eat Kitty's cooking!"

"No, I made the tofu," Kitty said, pointing at the harmless-looking tofu.

"Oh," Bobby said. Then he started laughing at Kitty. "Haha!" he said. "You have to eat Kitty's cooking!"

Sam leaned in. "Yah do know yah're talking to Kitty, right?" he said.

Bobby looked back at Kitty. "Oops."

Tortugian Punch – Contains 5 Percent Bitch. Oh yeah, but in Bobby's case, multiply that by a pretty large number. Result – A Bobby in a Body Cast. Poor dude…

So anyway, Kitty was eating all daintily. One half-inch square piece of tofu at a time!

Magneto looked at her oddly. Probably because it took her ten minutes to eat a teaspoon-sized piece of tofu. "There's no need to stand on ceremony or call to impress," he said. "You must be hungry."

Kitty glanced at him, then shrugged and grabbed a tomato, biting into it like an apple. That's the best way to eat tomatoes! Unless it's straight out of the fridge and totally freezes your teeth when you bite into it…

Anyway, Kitty grabbed a piece of bread, taking a huge bite out of that, too. Magneto just stared at her while he poured the wine, then offered the cup to her. "Try the wine."

"I'm, like, underage," Kitty said.

Magneto gave her a Look.

Kitty shrugged and grabbed the wine. Magneto held out an apple. "And the apples. One of those next?" he suggested.

Kitty glanced at Monkey Dude, who stared solemnly back at her; then at the apple, which did absolutely nothing except stay green; then back at Magneto. "It's poisoned!" she said. Yes, poisoning a whole apple, with the skin still on it, is much easier that pouring some in the wine. Kitty has **excellent** logic.

Magneto chuckled. "There would be no sense to be killing you, Miss Wagner," he said.

"Then, like, release me," Kitty said. "You have your trinket. I'm of no further value to you."

"Well, one of my Acolytes is currently in love with you," Magneto said.

Pyro popped in. "Wrong parody-verse, Magsy," he said.

"Do not call me Magsy!" Magneto thundered.

Pyro cackled. "Make me!" he said, and began playing with his lighter. His all-metal lighter. Right in front of Magneto. Idiot.

Of course Magneto used his magnetic manipulating powers to crush the lighter into a metal lump…and Pietro ran and hung it from a noose on Little Lighter Boulder.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Pyro yelled for ten minutes straight. Then Jamie took pity on him and gave him a plastic lighter, stolen from the pimple-covered buck-toothed teen at Coldstone. Pyro immediately started cackling madly and made fire-butterflies…until Wanda hexed away his lighter two seconds later. Poor dude.

Oh well, back to the parody! Magneto pulled out **The Medallion** (DMP). "You don't know what this is, do you?" he said.

"It's a pirate medallion," Kitty said.

"This is Aztec gold," Magneto said. "One of 882 identical pieces they delivered in a stone chest to Cortés himself. Blood money paid to stem the slaughter he wreaked upon them with his armies. But the greed of Cortés was insatiable, so the heathen gods placed upon the gold a terrible curse. Any mortal that removes but a single pice from that stone chest shall be punished for eternity." (Darth Vader music plays)

"I, like, hardly believe in ghost stories anymore, Magsy," Kitty said.

One of Magneto's eyes twitched. "That's exactly what I thought when we were first told the tale. Buried on an island of dead except for those who know where it is. Find it, we did. There be the chest. Inside be the gold. I resent talking in broken phrases and improper English. And we took them all. We spent them and traded them and frittered them away on drink and food on pleasurable food and company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize, the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men, Miss Wagner. Compelled by greed, we were, but now we are consumed by it. Are you even listening!"

Kitty jerked her head up from where it had fallen on the table. "What? I'm awake! Yeah, yeah, something about you, like, really being rotting skeletons covered in turkey jerky texture **(1)** and looking pretty crappy for your age…but it's only, like, shown in the moonlight because the curse is weird like that, and none of you can die even if you, like, get shot in the face, and that's the final piece and you need the blood of a descendant of Mystique a.k.a. Raven Darkholme to, like, lift the curse so you can go on your merry way and eat a bushel of apples, and you marooned Captain Remy LeBeau on a godforsaken island except he got off it with the rumrunners, and you killed Mystique a.k.a. Raven Darkholme because she thought it was wrong that you marooned Captain Remy LeBeau on a godforsaken spit of land."

Magneto blinked. "I didn't say any of that."

Kitty shrugged. She really had no clue what she had just said, because if she did, then the parody would be boringly over.

While Magneto was busy rolling his eyes, she hid a butter knife under her napkin. "There is one way we can end our curse," Magneto said, giving the piece to Monkey Dude. "All the scattered pieces of the Aztec gold must be restored and the blood repaid. Thanks to you, we have the final piece."

"And the blood to, like, be repaid?" Kitty asked apprehensively.

"That's why there's no sense to be killing you…" Magneto said, pausing dramatically for effect. "…yet." He held out the apple again. "Apple?"

Kitty slapped the apple out of his hand and ran for it. After he chased her around a pole, Magneto grabbed her. Except then Kitty twisted out of his grip and stabbed him with the butter knife. Magneto stared down at the butter knife for a moment, then pulled it out. Kitty gasped, though whether it was because of the blood or because he wasn't dead I don't know. "After killing me," Magneto said, "What is it you're planning on doing next?"

Kitty gasped and ran out the cabin, only to come face-to-face with some CJMs turning a wheel on the mast. Of course, Kitty got caught on one of the spokes and went around and around and around on the wheel thingie. Kitty gasped as she saw some CJMs hammering weapons on anvils, and then gasped again when she saw Aztec-cursified Evan and Scott scrubbing the deck…oddly completely in sync.

Kitty shrieked, backed up out of the wheel thingie, tripped over some stairs, and fell…to land on a blanket. The CJMs holding the edges of the blanket tossed her up in the air, shrieking all the way. Kitty, not the CJMs. Then, as she flew up into the air a second time, a CJM swung by on a rope and grabbed her. Kitty took one look at his face and shrieked again.

As soon as they landed on the deck, Kitty ran for it, the CJM running after her. Why? Probably just to freak her out. He trapped her on the other side of the steering wheel thingie…until Kitty did something totally stupid and insane and spun the wheel under the CJM's head, so that it cracked back off his spine. Ew. But all he really had to do to fix it was snap it back on, DUH!

Kitty ran down the stairs and hid under them, stupidly thinking she'd be safe there. WRONG! Monkey Dude popped up behind her in all his Aztec-cursified glory, holding **The Medallion** (DMP) and shrieking like the monkey that he is.

"I AM NOT A MONKEY!"

"You keep telling yourself that," Bobby said.

Kitty shrieked and ran back to the cabin, only to run straight into Magneto, who turned her around to look at the CJMs. "Look!" he said. "The moonlight shows us for what we really are. We are not among the living, and so we cannot die. But neither are we dead." Magneto turned Kitty around to face him again. "For too long I've been parched and unable to quench it," he said. "Too long I've been starving to death and haven't died. I feel nothing. Not the wind on my face or the spray of the sea or the touch of a woman's flesh." He reached out a hand toward her (coughMINORcough), and Kitty backed up, so that Magneto followed her out into the moonlight. It actually had a pretty cool effect, him slowly turning Aztec-cursified like that. "You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Wagner," he said. "You're in one!" And he pulled the cork out of a bottle of wine with his teeth, spat it out, and drank it down. Kitty watched in horror as it splashed down his ribcage, then ran past him into the cabin.

Magneto slammed the doors shut behind her and started laughing. So did all the CJMs. Then Magneto started yelling at them. "What are you looking at? Back to work!"

"You heard the captain. Back to work!" Ray yelled.

Kitty, meanwhile, huddled in a corner of the room, terrified out of her mind.

**The REAL Slim Jamie…**

Oh yeah. Lame joke, I know. I live for lame jokes! That, and the cans of Coke in the fridge in my friend's basement that she never drinks (she hates all coffee, all soda, and BANANAS! Crazy, no?)

"Feast your eyes, Gumbo," Logan said as he, Remy, and Kurt walked by the TJMs…plus Jamie…plus Sabertooth…plus Mystique the Parrot perched on Sabey's shoulder. "All of them faithful hands before the mast. Every man worth his salt." Remy looked down a good foot to see the REAL Jamie Madrox. Oh yeah, did I mention that all the JMs are a couple of years older than Jamie? Just so you can tell the short dude apart. Okay, moving on. "And crazy to boot," Logan added.

"So this is your able-bodied crew?" Kurt said to Remy.

Remy walked over to Sabey. "Y', sailor!" he said.

"Sabertooth, Gumbo," Logan said.

"Sabey," Remy said. "Do y' have de courage to follow orders et stay true in de face of danger et deat'? Sabey! Answer, homme!"

Logan stuck his head in. "He's a mute. Well, not really. He only talks in growls and snarls. He trained the parrot to talk for him. No one's yet figured out how."

"Sabey's parrot," Remy said. "Same question."

"I have a name, you know!" Mystique the Parrot snapped, then squawked. "Wind in the sails! Wind in the sails!"

"Mostly we figure that means yes," Logan said.

"Of course it does!" Remy said. He turned to Kurt. "Are y' happy now?"

"Vell, you've proved they're mad," Kurt said.

"And what's thah benefit for us?" A certain Southern belle's voice demanded.

Remy walked over and cautiously lifted the hat hiding the girl's face. "Chere!" he said.

Rogue slapped him. "I suppose you didn't deserve that," Kurt said.

"Non, dat one Remy deserved," Remy said.

Rogue nodded. "Yah stole mah boat!" she said.

"Borrowed," Remy corrected. "Borrowed wit'out permission. Mais wit' every intention of bringin' it back."

"But yah didn'!" Rogue yelled.

"Y'll get anoder one," Remy said.

Rogue pointed a finger at him. "Ah will," she said fiercely.

"A better one," Kurt put in.

"A better one!" Remy said.

"That one!" Kurt said, pointing at the _Interceptor_.

"What one?" Remy asked. Kurt jerked his head at the _Interceptor_. "Dat one!" Kurt nodded. "Oui, dat one. What say y'?"

"Aye!" Rogue said, then winced. "Ah hate talkin' lahke a pirate."

"Aye!" all the TJMs…plus Jamie…agreed.

"Anchors aweigh!" Mystique the Parrot screeched, and they all started heading off to the ship. Rogue shoved Remy before heading off with the rest of the TJMs.

"No, no, it's bad luck to bring a woman aboard," Logan said to Remy.

"It'd be worse not to have her," Remy said.

**A Stormy Sea…**

Yes, the weather was terrible. Everyone was pretty much soaked as they struggled along the deck. Meanwhile, Remy chilled at the wheel, glancing down at his compass, twirling the wheel, and glancing at the compass again.

"How can ve sail to an island that nobody can find," Kurt asked Logan, "Vith a compass that doesn't vork?"

"The compass doesn't point North," Logan agreed, "But we're not trying to find North, are we?"

Up on the bow, Remy spun the wheel some more. Logan staggered up to him. "We should drop canvas, Gumbo," he said.

"She can hold a bit longer," Remy said.

"What's in your head that's put you in such a good mood?" Logan demanded.

"We're catchin' up," Remy said.

**The Dreaded Isla De Muerta…**

The _Black Pearl _had finally reached the dreaded Isla de Muerta. Kitty stared out at it through her window. "Talk about bleak," she said.

Evan and Scott came in. "Time to go, poppet," Evan said. "I hate saying poppet!"

"Like, who wouldn't?" Kitty said.

Outside, a CJM tied her hands and Magneto fastened **The Medallion** (DMP) around her neck while Ray, Rob, and Evan looked on. Scott chanted "Ho" stupidly. Rob punched him to shut him up, nearly breaking his faulty wooden ruby quartz sunglasses. And they all rowed their cursed way into the dreaded Isla de Muerta.

**Back On The _Interceptor_…**

They were sailing by a bunch of sunken ships. "Dead men tell no tales," Mystique the Parrot cackled.

All the TJMs stared out at all the sunken ships. "Puts a chill in the bones how many honest sailors have been claimed by this passage," Logan said to Kurt.

"Are you sure it's not just the adamantium?" Kurt said.

Up on the bow, Remy glanced at the compass, turned the wheel a little, and shut the compass when he saw Sabey looking at it a wee bit too much.

"How'd Remy get that compass?" Kurt asked Logan.

"Not a lot's known about Gumbo before he showed up in Tortuga with a mind to go after the treasure of the Isla de Muerta," Logan said. "That was before I met him. Back when he was captain of the _Black Pearl_."

Kurt whipped his head around. "Vhat!"

Logan just kept drinking his beer.

"He failed to mention that," Kurt said.

"He plays things closer to the vest now," Logan said. "And a hard-learned lesson it was. See, three days out the first mate comes to him and says everything's an equal share. That should mean the location of the treasure. So Gumbo gave up the bearings. That night, there was a mutiny. They marooned Jack on an island and left him to die, but not before he'd gone mad with the heat."

"So," Kurt said. "That's the reason for all the…" he did some weird waving-his-hands-leaning-around-lame-attempt-at-seeming-crazy-or-drunk-that-only-really-works-on-Remy thing.

"Reason's got nothing to do with it," Logan said. He knelt down, and so did Kurt. "Now, Elf, when a pirate's marooned, he's given a pistol with a single shot. One shot," he said, holding up one claw. "Well, that won't do much good hunting or to be rescued. But after three weeks of a starving belly and thirst, that pistol will start to look real friendly. But Gumbo escaped the island, and he still has that single shot. He won't use it, though, save on one man. His mutinous first mate."

"Magneto," Kurt said. Logan nodded. "How did Remy get off the island?"

"Well, I'll tell ya," Logan said. "He waded out into the shallows, and he waited there three days and three nights, 'till all manner of sea creatures became acclimated to his presence. And on the fourth morning, he roped a couple of sea turtles, lashed them together, and made a raft."

Kurt stared at him. "He roped a couple of sea turtles?" he asked.

"Yep, sea turtles," Logan said.

"What did he use for rope?" Kurt asked.

Logan opened his mouth, thought for a moment, and closed it again. Then he saw Remy standing next to them. "Human hair," Remy said. "From Remy's back. Let go de anchor!" he ordered to the TJMs.

"Aye, Captain, aye!" they all yelled.

"Young Monsieur Wagner et Remy are to go ashore," Remy said, and walked off.

Logan ran after him. "Gumbo, what if the worst should happen?"

"Keep to de Code," Remy said.

"Aye, the Code," Logan said.

Kurt just stared at both of them, thinking, "Vhat's the Code?"

* * *

**(1)** Yep, for digitizing the Cursed Pirate look, they grafted turkey jerky texture on to help with the whole rotting flesh look. 

_Avec – _with

_Bonne – _good

_Chere – _dear (although ALL you Remy fans should already know that)

_D'accord – _agreed; okay

_Et – _and

_Fils – _son

_Homme – _man

_Je t'adore – _I love you

_Mais – _but

_Moi – _me

_Monsieur – _Mr.

_Non – _no

_Ou – _or

_Où – _where (note the accent mark; do NOT mix up with _ou_)

_Oui – _yes

_Pourquoi – _why

_Quoi – _what

Review, please!


	6. Palulilalalulu

**..: Palu-li-lala-lulu :..**

I am SO SORRY it took me forever to update! But I had an English project, Bio project, PE project, and Religion project that were all due last week. Sorry!

Thank you to **psychobunny410**, **Sangofanatic**, **Pyromaniac**, **enigmagirl12727**, and **EE's Skysong** for reviewing! **Sangofanantic**, I should've had Kurt punch him too. I keep forgetting stuff like that! **PyroManiac**, for my Shrek parody, Sam would be Shrek, Rahne would be Fiona, Bobby would be Donkey, and Lord Farquaad…I haven't exactly decided on a villain yet. It'd have to be one of the New Recruits, though (so either Ray or Roberto…or Jamie). I dunno. Any suggestions? **Enigmagirl12727**, I have no clue what's in the other 95 percent of Tortugian Punch. Probably 40 percent muscle/knuckle, 40 percent P.O.'d, 15 percent pent-up anger…something like that. I just did that cuz like how in Sunny D commercials it's always like "Unleash the power of the sun!" and then "contains5percentjuice" at the end. And I think Hawaiian Punch has 5 percent juice, too. **EE's Skysong**, cool! I wanna do The Princess Bride, too! Except it'd be LANCITTY…yes, I know, you hate it, but it's like my tribute to the Brotherhood. Ish. And I'm doing KURTTY now, and I'm planning on doing Moulin Rouge for KIOTR. And Redneck Shrek. And maybe Aladdin for a tribute to the New Recruits. And maybe Without a Paddle for a tribute for the Acolytes. Yep, a lot of ideas for parodies pop up in my head all the time. Like random rabid parody-bunnies. They exist, I tell ya! They exist!

Guess what? I got a flame! And you know what that means…

S'MORES FOR EVERYONE! Yep, all flames I get I give to Pyro to play with…as long as he makes s'mores. Anyone who reviews gets a s'more! But this was a quality flame, as far as flames go. Yep, I was told "fuck you", that I spew out crap, and to "step off, bitch", the first and last in capitals. Someone was mad! Also, FYI to any potential flamers, I obviously won't take any of them seriously. I mean, you're welcome to flame, but all you get out of it are virtual s'mores, courtesy of Pyro.

Anywayz, on to the ficcie!

DISCLAIMER: "I pinned myself, I'm a big boy!"

* * *

Inside a cave of the dreaded Isla de Muerta, the Cursed Pirates were dumping in all their treasure. Kitty just stood around and stared at the big treasure chest of Cortés.

Evan and Scott carried in a heavy-looking chest. "Ten years of hoarding swag," Evan said.

"And now we finally get to spend it!" Scott finished gleefully. They upended the chest to reveal…

Lots of dresses and parasols. How is it that out of all of the CJMs and Ray and Rob and Magneto, they were the only two who managed to snag a chest full of dresses and parasols instead of gold? But whatever.

"Once we're free of the curse," Evan said to Scott, "We'll be rich men, and you can buy some ruby quartz sunglasses that actually fit…and aren't made of wood."

"This one does splinter a lot," Scott admitted, rubbing his eyes under the faulty wooden ruby quartz sunglasses.

"Stop rubbing it!" Evan said. "Why do I sound like your mother or Jean or something?"

Ray walked by, giving them a weird look. "What are you looking at?" Evan snapped.

"Nothing…Mrs. Summers," Ray said. He then had to duck very quickly to avoid getting a very large nose piercing.

**In a Boat…**

Remy rowed while Kurt held the lantern. Ooh, look! A skeleton with an arrow through its back. Or, I guess what's now its spine and ribcage. COOL!

Kurt flinched. "Vhat code is Logan supposed to keep to if the vorst should happen?"

"Pirate's Code," Remy said. "Any homme who falls behind is left behind."

"No heroes amongst thieves," Kurt noted.

"For havin' such a bleak outlook on pirates, y're well on y' way to becomin' one," Remy said. "Sprung a homme from jail, commandeered a ship of de fleet, sailed wit' a buccaneer crew out of Tortuga." They both looked at the gold coins lining the bottom of the little river. "And y're completely obsessed wit' treasure."

"That is not true," Kurt protested as they climbed out of the boat. "I am not obsessed vith treasure."

"Not all treasure is silver and gold, homme," Remy said. Too true. Nowadays, it's dirty paper!

Remy and Kurt watched the pirates gathered in front of the big treasure chest of Cortés, where Magsy was making his lame speech. "Gentlemen, the time has come!" he shouted. All the Cursed Pirates cheered. "Our salvation is near!" More cheering. "Our torment is near an end!" Still more cheering.

"Kitty," Kurt whispered, having just noticed her. Even though she's the only one up there in a dress, AND the spotlight from a hole in the cave or something is RIGHT ON HER. But whatever.

"For ten years we've been tested and tried," Magsy continued, "And each one of you here has proved his mettle a hundred times over and a hundred times again!"

"Suffered, I have!" Scott said. Evan punched him.

"Punished, we were, the lot of us," Magsy continued…again. "Disproportionate to our crime! Here it is!" He kicked the top off the stone chest. "The cursed treasure of Cortés himself," he said, sending a little magnetic ripple through the coins. "Every last piece that went astray, we have returned. Save for this!" he finished, pointing at **The Medallion** (DMP) around Kitty's neck.

"Kitty!" Kurt lunged forward, but Remy held him back, knocking down some of the coins. Of course, Monkey Dude and his supreme primate sense noticed.

"Not yet!" he said. "We wait for de opportune moment."

"881 we found, but despaired of ever finding the last," Magsy rambled on. Remy got up and started walking away.

Kurt got up. "Vhen's that?" he asked. "Vhen it's of greatest profit to you?"

Remy turned around. "Can Remy ask y' somet'in'? Has Remy ever given y' reason not to trust moi? Do us a favor. Remy know it's difficult for y', but s'il vous plait stay here and try not to do anyt'in' stupid." He turned and walked away.

"And who among us has paid the blood sacrifice owed to the heathen gods?" Magsy thundered.

"Us!" the Cursed Pirates yelled.

"And whose blood must yet be paid?" Magsy asked.

"Hers!" the Cursed Pirates yelled, pointing at Kitty.

"You know," Kitty said. "Whenever you, like, point a finger at someone, there's, like, three fingers pointing back at you."

"SHUT UP!" the Cursed Pirates yelled back.

"Like, fine," Kitty said. "Like, don't gotta be so rude," she muttered.

Meanwhile, Remy wandered down to another rock closer to the Cursed Pirates. "You know what I'm going to do after the curse is lifted?" Magsy said. "Eat a whole bushel of apples," he said to Kitty.

"Won't that, like, make you sick?" Kitty asked.

Magsy rolled his eyes and shoved her so that she leaned over the treasure chest of Cortés and grabbed a knife. All the CJMs started chanting "ho" over and over. So did Scott. But Ray, Rob, and Evan stubbornly refused to. "Begun by blood," Magsy said. "By blood undone."

Kurt walked up to Remy and knocked him out with a paddle. "Sorry, Jack," he said. "I'm not gonna be your leverage."

Magsy ripped **The Medallion** (DMP) off her neck, put it in her hand, and slit her palm with the knife. "Like, that's it?" Kitty asked.

"Waste not," Magsy said. Kitty dropped **The Medallion** (DMP) into the chest, and all the CJMs stopped chanting. Scott, being the idiot that he was, kept chanting until Evan punched him to shut him up. And they all waited to see if the curse was gone. Meanwhile, Kurt ran down around a rock to get Kitty.

"Did it work?" Rob asked.

"I don't feel any different," Scott said.

"How do we tell?" Evan asked.

Magsy rolled his eyes, pulled out a pistol, and shot Evan. Evan stood still for a moment, then stared down at the hole in his chest. Right where his heart should be. What a shame he was cursed.

"You're not dead!" Rob said, sounding disappointed. Well, who wouldn't?

"No," Evan said. He pointed at Magsy. "He shot me!"

"It didn't work!" Scott said.

All the CJMs started yelling at Magsy, who turned to Kitty. "You, maid! Your mother, what was her name? Was your mother Raven Darkholme?"

"Like, no," Kitty said defiantly.

"Where's her child that sailed from Germany however many years ago? The child in whose veins flows the blood of Raven Darkholme?" Kitty didn't say anything, and that defiant look on her face was really starting to piss him off, so he backhanded her. Temper, temper. Kitty went rolling down to the bottom of the little rock. Oh, come on. And here I thought she was tough. Oh, and **The Medallion** (DMP) went rolling down next to her.

"You two!" Ray yelled to Evan and Scott, who now had "oh-shit" looks on their faces. "You brought us the wrong person!"

"No!" Evan said. "She had **The Medallion** (DMP). She's the right age."

"Did Evan just play some cheesy B-rated dramatic music?" Rob asked a CJM, who nodded solemnly.

"She said her name was Wagner!" Scott put in. "I think she lied to us."

"No kidding, loser," Evan said.

Kurt popped up out of the water, swam over to Kitty, woke her up, and motioned for them to leave. Of course, Kitty had to be all spiteful and take **The Medallion** (DMP) with her.

"You brought us here for nothing!" One very P.O.'d CJM yelled. "I could've been terrorizing the pimple-covered buck-toothed teen down at Coldstone's!"

"You do know that Coldstone's wouldn't exist right now, right?" Rob asked.

"Yeah, but it's right down the street," the CJM said. "And you're supposed to be saying your line." He rolled his eyes. "Idiot."

"Who's to blame?" Rob demanded to Magsy, ignoring the CJM. "Every decision you've made has led us from bad to worse. First, there was Asteroid M-"

"One," Magsy said. "You weren't even there for Asteroid M. Two, you're starting on the wrong rant."

"Right," Rob said, then started on his rant. "It was you who sent Mystique to the depths! Although she could've just turned into a fish or something," he added.

"And it's you who brought us here in the first place," Ray said.

"Hey! This is **my** rant," Rob said.

"Yeah, but I'm the Bo'sun," Ray said.

Magsy magnetically drew his sword. "If any coward here dare challenge me, let him speak!"

Ray backed down. "Jeez, Ray, what happened to your spine?" Jamie said.

"Man, shut up!" Ray said.

"Raymond Whatever-Your-Middle-Name-Is Crisp!" Ororo said. "Watch your language!" Jamie grinned and stuck his ice cream-covered tongue out at Ray.

"I say we cut her throat and spill all her blood, just in case!" Rob said.

"Yeah!" all the Cursed Pirates agreed.

"Like, talk about violent," Kitty muttered as she and Kurt crept off.

Magsy finally noticed Monkey Dude screeching his monkey head off and pointing at the exit. He looked down the rock…and **The Medallion** (DMP) was gone! GASP! "**The Medallion** (DMP)! She's taken it!"

"First Evan, now Magsy," Rob said sadly.

"Get after her, you feckless pack of ingrates!" Magsy yelled at the pirates. And they all ran.

"No oars!" one CJM yelled.

"Where's the oars!" another CJM yelled.

"The oars have gone missing!" a third CJM yelled, pointing out the painfully obvious.

"Find them!" Ray yelled back.

Remy went strolling down toward the Cursed Pirates, carrying an oar in his hand. It took them a minute to notice him, but they did eventually. "You!" Evan said. "You're supposed to be dead!"

"Remy's not?" Remy said, looking down at himself. "Oh." He turned around to walk the other way, only to find it blocked by more P.O.'d CJMs. He turned back around to see pistols pointed at him. Lots of pistols. "Palulay," Remy said, made a face, and tried again. "Palu-li-lala-lulu." Scott and Evan exchanged is-he-on-crack looks. Remy kept trying. "Parlili. Parsnip, parsley, partner, partner."

"Parley?" Scott suggested.

"Dat's de one!" Remy exclaimed. "Parley!"

"Parley?" Evan repeated, glaring at Scott. "Damn to the depths whatever man that thought up parley!"

"Dat would be de French," Remy said. "Latin based, of course. Inventors of mayonnaise."

"I like mayonnaise!" Scott said.**(1)**

**At The _Interceptor_…**

Kitty and Kurt rowed up to it (although I bet Kurt did all the rowing), having taken the oars with them, and climbed aboard. "Like, not more pirates," Kitty said when she saw the TJMs.

Logan stepped forward. "Welcome aboard, Half-Pint," he said.

"Mr. Logan?" Kitty said, looking surprised.

"Hey, Elf, where's Gumbo?" Logan asked Kurt.

"Gumbo?" Kitty demanded. "Like, as in Gambit?"

"He fell behind," Kurt said to Logan, and led Kitty below.

All of the TJMs looked pretty sad. So did Sabey. So did Logan. "He was my drinking partner!" he said.

Rogue rolled her eyes. "He's still alive, ya idiots!" she snapped.

"De Nile's not just a river in Egypt, Stripes," Logan said. "But keep to the Code!" he yelled to the rest of the TJMs.

"Weigh anchor!" Rogue screeched. "Hoist the sails! Make quick, divvies! What's a divvy?" she asked Logan, who shrugged.

**Back In The Cave…**

The CJMs parted to let Magsy through. Remy leaned comfortably on the oar. "How on earth did you get off that island?" Magsy asked.

"When y' marooned me on dat godforsaken spit of land, y' forgot one very important t'ing, homme. I'm Remy LeBeau."

"He used First Person!" Scott gasped. Evan punched him. This seems to be a tradition now, no?

Magsy ignored Scott. "Well, I won't be making that mistake again," he said to Remy. "Acolytes, you all remember Captain Remy LeBeau?"

"Aye," all the CJMs said.

"Kill him," Magsy commanded, turning and walking away.

All the Cursed Pirates pulled out their pistols and aimed them at Remy.

"Scott, you're supposed to be shooting him," Forge said to Scott, who was holding his pistol over his head, as if to throw it.

"Oh," Scott said.

Evan rolled his eyes. "Idiot."

"De fille's blood didn't work, did it?" Remy asked Magsy.

Magsy stopped. "Hold your fire!" he yelled.

All the Cursed Pirates resentfully put their pistols down. "You know whose blood we need," Magsy said.

"Remy know whose blood you need," Remy said.

**The _Interceptor_…**

Was sailing away. Actually, it was long gone. In the cabin, Kitty was trying to bandage her hand. "Like, what sort of a man trades a man's life for, like, a ship?" she said.

"Pirate," Kurt said, and noticed that Kitty was making absolutely no headway in bandaging her hand. "Here. Let me," he said, and started wrapping her hand. "You said you gave Magsy my name as yours. Vhy?"

"Like, I don't know," Kitty said. Then she gasped and jerked her hand away.

"Sorry," Kurt said. "Fuzzy hands."

"No," Kitty said. "I mean, yeah, they are, but, like…" she trailed off as Kurt finished wrapping her hand. "Like, don't stop."

They both leaned forward, and SO would've had made out in a totally fluffy, romantic moment right then…if Kitty hadn't ruined it by pulling out **The Medallion** (DMP). "It's, like, yours," she said, giving it to him.

"I thought I'd lost it the day they rescued me," Kurt said. "It vas a gift from my mother. She sent it to me." He looked back up at Kitty. "Vhy did you take it?"

"Because I was afraid that you were, like, a pirate," Kitty said. "It would've been awful."

"It vasn't your blood they needed," Kurt said. "It vas my mother's blood. My blood." He curled his hand into a fist around** The Medallion** (DMP). "The blood of a pirate."

"Kurt, I'm, like, so sorry," Kitty said. "Please forgive me." Kurt slammed his hand down on the table, and Kitty turned and left.

* * *

**(1)** In the gag reel, Johnny Depp says the line about the French and mayonnaise, and Lee Arenberg (the actor who plays Pintel) says, "I like mayonnaise!" Except I had Scott say it cuz in this ficcie, his IQ seems to have dropped quite a bit.

Yeah, short chappie, I know. Sowwies! But the next chappie's up anyway. So go ahead and click the little arrow. You know you want to! ;D


	7. The Interceptor Gets Intercepted

**..: The Interceptor Gets Intercepted :..**

DISCLAIMER:

"Is that an iPod?"

"No, it's a Walkman."

"Oh. …What's so special about iPods, anyway?"

* * *

**On Board the Black Pearl…**

"So," Magsy said. "You expect to leave me on some beach with nothing but a name and your word it's the one I need and watch you sail away in my ship?"

"Non," Remy said. "Remy expect to leave y' standin' on some beach wit' absolutely no name at all, watchin' me sail away on **my** ship, and den Remy'll shout de name back at y'. D'accord?"

"But that still leaves the problem of me standing on some beach with naught but a name and your word it's the one I need."

Remy was examining the apples in the plate on the table. "Of de two of us, Remy's de only one who hasn' committed mutiny. Derefore, my word is de one we'll be trustin'. Alt'ough, Remy suppose Remy should be thankin' y' because, in fact, if y' hadn' betrayed me and left me to die, Remy would have an equal share in dat curse, same as y'." He took a bite of an apple. "Funny old world, isn' it?" he said, offering the apple he had been eating to Magsy. That's what you call irony.

Ray walked in. "Magsy, we're coming up on the _Interceptor_," he said. Monkey Dude jumped off his little perch thingie and ran out of the cabin and up onto the deck. Magsy followed Monkey Dude up the stairs while Remy looked out to see the _Interceptor_ not too far away.

Magsy pulled out a spyglass and looked at the _Interceptor_…until his view was completely blocked by an enlarged mouth and goatee. "Remy's having a t'ought here, Magsy," Remy's mouth said. Magsy lowered the spyglass to see Remy standing right in front of him, apple still in hand. "What say we run up a flag of truce, Remy scurry over to de _Interceptor_, and Remy negotiate de return of **The Medallion** (DMP)?"

"Et toi, Remy?" Rob said half-sadly, half-insanely. "ET TOI?" (And you, Remy? AND YOU?)

"Gambit, that's exactly the attitude that lost you the _Pearl_," Magsy said. "People are easy to search when they're dead. Lock him in the brig," he ordered. Ray grabbed his shoulder and half-dragged him away, and Magsy grabbed the apple. He stared at it for a moment before throwing it through one of the many holes in the sails.

**On The _Interceptor_…**

Kitty opened the trapdoor leading below decks to see the TJMs running around while Logan shouted orders. "Hands aloft to t'gallants!" he yelled. Whatever that means. "With this wind, she'll carry every sail we've got!"

"Like, what's happening?" Kitty asked.

"Tha _Black Pearl_," Rogue said. "She's gainin' on us."

Kitty glanced out behind the ship to see that the _Black Pearl_ was, indeed, gaining on them. She ran up to Logan. "This is the fastest ship in, like, the Caribbean," she said.

"Ya can tell them that after they've caught us," Rogue said.

"We're shallower on the draft, right?" Kitty asked.

"Yeah," Rogue said.

"Well, then can't we lose them amongst those shoals?" Kitty said.

"We don't have to outrun them long, just long enough," Logan said.

"Lahghten tha ship, stem to stern!" Rogue yelled.

"Anything we can afford to lose, see that it's lost," Logan said.

**In The _Black Pearl_'s Brig…**

Ray led Remy to a cell, shoved him in, locked the door, and left, looking majorly P.O.'d the whole time. "Apparently, dere's a leak," Remy said. He walked over to a little hole and glanced out in time to see a barrel float by. Several more were floating behind the _Interceptor_.

Magsy lowered his spyglass again. "Haul on the main brace!" he yelled. "Make ready the guns! And run out the sweeps," he added to Ray, who grinned. Yeah, um, I don't get it. Anyone know sea lingo?

The CJMs set up the cannons so they stuck out and were ready to fire on the _Interceptor_. Evan raised the pirate flag so that it flapped in the wind all ominously and stuff. Event though the flag's pretty much just there for tradition and bravado.

Back on the _Interceptor_, Kurt had just come up from below decks. He looked out to see oars coming out from the sides of the _Black Pearl_. Oh. I guess those are the sweeps.

Jamie was about to send a cannon tumbling into the water when Kurt stopped him. "Ve're gonna need that," he said.

The _Black Pearl_ was just about on the _Interceptor_'s (figuratively speaking) tail. So much for Kitty's plan. "It was a good plahn," Rogue said. "Up till now."

"Logan!" Kurt said, running over. "Ve have to make a stand. Ve must fight. Load the guns!"

"With what?" Rogue said.

"So much for supportive sister," Kurt muttered. "Anything. Everything! Anything we have left," he said, getting right into Logan's face.

"Load the guns!" Logan said. Rogue rolled her eyes in an oh-no-he's-done-it-again look. "Case shot and langrage!" Logan continued. "Nails and crushed glass!"

Down by the cannons, two TJMs were trying to shove an oversized serving spoon into a cannon. Jamie walked over to another cannon and started loading forks and other cutlery into it from a bucket. Logan paused by the cannon to drink some beer. As soon as he had finished, Jamie grabbed the flask and shoved it into the cannon.

Remy was watching the whole thing through the little peephole leak in his cell. Well, he couldn't see the stuff going on on the _Interceptor_, but he did have a lovely view of the _Black Pearl_'s cannons and oars.

"The _Pearl_'s gonna luff up on our port quarter!" Logan yelled. "She'll rake us without ever presenting a target."

"Lower the anchor on the right side," Kitty said, and received blank looks from Rogue, Logan, and Kurt. "Like, on the starboard side!" she said.

"It has the element of surprise," Kurt said.

"Yah're crazy, Kitty!" Rogue said. "Yah both are!"

"Crazy like Gumbo!" Logan said.

"Not really," Rogue said.

Logan ignored her. "Lower the starboard anchor!" he yelled at the TJMs, who all exchanged has-he-finally-lost-it looks. "Do it, you multiples, or I'll load you into the cannons!" he growled, unsheathing his claws on one hand, just for effect.

And it worked. They all ran to lower the anchor. It dragged along the ocean floor for a while before snagging on a huge rock. The rope tore through several planks, and the whole ship tilted dangerously. Oh yes, and the table below deck fell over, **The Medallion** (DMP) and three candles sliding off to get lost on the floor.

Kitty watched the rope tied to the anchor go taught. "Like, let go!" she yelled to Rogue, who immediately let go of the wheel. The _Interceptor_ started turning around.

"They're clubhauling!" Magsy yelled back on the _Black Pearl_. "Hard to port! Rack the starboard oars."

"Hard to port!" Ray yelled.

The ships lined up right alongside each other, with pirates pulling out guns, unsheathing swords, and yelling from behind cannons on either ship.

"Now!" Kurt yelled.

"Fire!" Magsy ordered.

"Fire all!" Kitty shouted.

Now, this is a BIG ACTION SCENE, so, naturally, I'll do a terrible job writing it. Cannons exploded both ships, sending a few pirates tumbling down into the sea. But who cares about them, they're unimportant!

Remy watched the battle unfold from his little peephole leak, and flung himself against the wall of his cell just in time to avoid being killed by a cannonball. "Stop blowing holes in my ship!" he yelled. Like anyone can hear you.

A cannon from the _Interceptor_ shot at Evan and Scott, who were firing one of the cannons. A fork embedded itself into the post right next to Evan, who stared at it with a what-the-? look on his face. He looked over at Scott, who was staring cross-eyed (not that we can really tell) at another fork embedded in the bridge of his faulty wooden ruby quartz sunglasses. Evan tugged at the fork, and it came out. The sunglasses came with it.

The _Interceptor_ was now sporting a lovely hole in its side. "Hey!" Kitty yelled in Scott's direction. "Like, no powers!"

Remy was sitting in his very wet cell, looking pretty bored. Then he noticed Logan's flask, opened it, drank from it only to discover that it was empty, and then noticed the smoking hole in the door where the lock had been. He pushed the door, AND IT SWUNG OPEN! WOW!

Everyone on board the _Interceptor_ was losing. Badly. "We could use a few more ideas, Half-Pint," Logan said.

"Like, your turn!" Kitty said.

"We need a devil's dowry," Logan said.

Rogue pointed her gun at Kitty's head. "We'll give them her," she said.

"She's not vhat they're after," Kurt said.

Kitty's hand flew to her throat. "**The Medallion** (DMP)," she gasped.

"Kitty too!" Rob shrieked.

"Rob, yah're on tha wrong ship," Rogue said.

"I know," Rob said. He powered up and flew back to the _Black Pearl_. Only he sped off a few inches too far down and ended up blasting a hole in both ships.

"Like, NO POWERS!" Kitty screeched after him.

Kurt got up and ran back below deck, landing in ankle-deep water. He shoved the fallen table over and started searching for **The Medallion** (DMP).

On the _Black Pearl_, a CJM fell from the crow's nest, a rope wrapped around his leg. Ouch. That's gonna give you one helluva rope burn. "Raise your colors, you blooming cockroaches!" Magys yelled.

"Did he just call us blooming cockroaches?" Rob asked a CJM, who nodded solemnly.

Magsy continued. "Hands, grapnels, at the ready. Prepare to board!"

Evan and Scott stuffed a cannonball into a cannon – WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Evan paused in shoving Sam into the cannon. "Stuffing a Cannonball into a cannon," he said, stating the obvious.

"How am ah supposed ta fit in there?" Sam said, struggling against Scott and Evan.

"Divine Intervention," Scott said.

Sam looked beseechingly at The Authoress. "Please don't," he begged.

Sorry. Too funny.

Ten seconds later, Sam – screaming like a bansheefied insomniac – flew out of the cannon, at the _Interceptor_…and crashed straight into the mast.

"Bull's-eye!" Evan and Scott yelled, high-fiving each other.

The mast crumbled, causing several planks to pile up and trap Kurt below deck, killing the TJMs that had been in the crow's nest, and falling toward the _Black Pearl_. The CJMs panicked and ran to either side of the deck. A few even jumped overboard. Magsy took about three steps forward, stood there looking cool (well, as cool as you can look with a Monkey Dude attempting to stay on your shoulder)…and the mast completely missed him. By about three inches. "Blast all to carcasses!" he yelled. "Forward clear to the powder magazine. And the rest of you, bring me **The Medallion** (DMP)!"

"AGAIN?" Rob yelled. Methinks this must be driving him insane. DMP DMP DMP DMP!

Monkey Dude jumped off Magsy's shoulder (which will probably be dislocated by the end of this parody) and ran across the mast. The rest of the CJMs followed, swing onto the sip on ropes.

Kurt grabbed a board and used it to pound on the door. "Hey!" he yelled. "Below!" Of course, no one could hear him.

Rob and a CJM started carrying barrels down below the deck, tossing them on a huge pile of barrels and laughing evilly. Hm, I wonder what's in those…

A CJM attempted to swing onto the _Interceptor_, was bumped by a TJM, came swinging back to the _Black Pearl_, and Remy grabbed the rope from him as he fell painfully. "Merci beaucoup," (Thank you very much) Remy called after him.

He sung onto the _Interceptor_, missed landing, swung back, accidentally bumped a CJM about to slit Logan's throat into the sea, swung back onto the _Interceptor_, and landed.

"Gumbo!" Logan yelled.

Remy handed him the flask. "Empty," he said, and ran off.

Meanwhile, Kurt was now in chest-deep water. He heard a screeching noise and turned to see Monkey Dude sitting on a plank holding **The Medallion** (DMP). Monkey Dude screeched at him again, then ran up through the holes in the door via Divine Intervention and away.

Kitty punched a CJM and turned to see another CJM grab her wrist, his sword raised to, well, decapitate her, most likely. Then Remy grabbed the CJM's wrist. "Dat's not very nice," he said, and Kitty knocked him overboard with the butt of her rifle.

"Where's **De Medallion** (DMP)?" Remy asked.

"NOT AGAIN!" Rob screamed, running away.

"Like, wretch!" Kitty yelled at Remy, raising a hand to slap him.

Remy grabbed her wrist. "Ah," he said, looking at her bandaged hand. "Where's the dear Fuzzy Elf?"

Kitty whipped her head around. "Kurt!" she gasped, and ran to the trapdoor. "Kurt!" she screamed.

"Kitty!" Kurt yelled back, now in armpit-deep water.

Monkey Dude screeched, holding **The Medallion** (DMP), and started running back along the mast.

"Monkey!" Remy yelled, running after Monkey Dude.

Kitty tried to move the fallen mast and failed miserably. "I, like, can't move it!" she screamed. Then two CJMs grabbed her and dragged her away. "Kurt!" she shrieked. Like that's going to help.

Monkey Dude scampered across the mast back to the _Black Pearl_ on all fours, closely followed by Remy…also on all fours. He reached for **The Medallion** (DMP)…

Only to see Magsy holding it, with Monkey Dude back on his shoulder. "Why, thank you, Gambit," Magsy said.

"Y're welcome," Remy said.

"Not you," Magsy said. "We named the monkey Gambit."

"My name is Jason!" Monkey Dude screeched.

"Did de monkey say somet'in'?" Remy asked.

"…No," Magsy said.

"I give up!" Monkey Dude screeched. Literally.

Back on the _Interceptor_, Kurt was in chin-deep water. He swam down to the floor to try to move the plank at the bottom – and, of course, failed miserably.

Meanwhile, a CJM shot his pistol next to a trail of gunpowder, sending the spark down the line. Hehe, I just love watching that stuff. Look, it's gonna blow up soon!

Kurt gave up trying to move the plank, and instead swam down, trying instead to find an exit.

On the _Black Pearl_, all the TJMs were tied up. "If any of you so much as think the word 'parley', I'll have your guts for garters!" Evan yelled at them.

"You wear garters?" Scott said. Evan punched him.

Kitty phased through the ropes and ran forward to – what? Jump off the _Black Pearl_, swim over to the _Interceptor_, climb aboard, find Will, and find a way to rescue him?

Well, either way, the _Interceptor_ blew up. KABOOM! Well, it sounded – and looked – a helluva lot cooler than that.

"Will!" Kitty shrieked. "You've, like, got to stop it!" she yelled, running at Magsy.

Magsy turned around, grabbing her wrists. "Welcome back, miss," he said. "You took advantage of our hospitality last time. It holds fair now you return the favor." He shoved her back into the CJMs, who immediately crowded around her and started tugging on her sleeves.

"Can we get some ice cream?" one asked.

"Can we go to an amusement park?" another asked.

"Can we can we can we can we can we can we can we can we?" a third one asked over and over. And over. And over. And over. And over. Kitty stared at him oddly.

Kurt climbed up the side of the ship. "Magsy!" he yelled.

Rob looked to the right where Kurt was standing über impressively, then to the left where the ruins of the _Interceptor_ were sinking, then back to the right where Kurt was still standing über impressively. "I'm confused," he said.

Kurt jumped down onto the deck and pointed his pistol at Magsy. "She goes free," he said.

"What's in your head, elf?" Magsy said.

"She goes free," Kurt repeated.

"You've only got one shot," Magsy said, "And we can't die."

"Don't do anyt'in' stupid," Remy whispered.

Kurt jumped back onto the edge of the ship. "You can't," he said, and pointed the pistol at himself. "I can."

"Like dat," Remy said.

"Who are you?" Magsy demanded.

"No one," Remy said. "He's no one. A distant cousin of my aunt's nephew twice removed. Lovely singin' voice, t'ough. Eunuch."

"My name is Kurt Vagner," Kurt said. "My mother was Raven Darkholme. Her blood runs in my veins." Remy gave up and walked away.

"He's the spitting image of old Mystique come back to haunt us!" Scott yelled.

"Not really," Evan said.

"Well, they both have blue skin," Scott said. "And yellow eyes."

"Kurt has fur," Evan said. "Mystique has skin. Kurt has a tail. Mystique doesn't. Kurt has pointy ears. Mystique doesn't. Kurt can't past ten on his fingers and toes. Mystique can count to twenty. Kurt has a German accent. Mystique has a…really deep voice. Kurt has dark blue hair. Mystique has red hair. Kurt-"

"Alright, alright, I get it!" Scott snapped.

"On my vord," Kurt said. "Do as I say, or I'll pull this trigger and be lost to Davy Jones' locker."

"Name your terms, Mr. Wagner," Magsy said.

"Kitty goes free," Kurt said.

"Yes, we know that one," Magsy said. "Anything else?"

Remy pointed at himself. "And the crew," Kurt added. "The crew are not to be harmed."

"Agreed," Magsy said.

Remy gave Kurt a Remy-give-up look. Not that Kurt noticed.

* * *

That's all for now! Please review! 


	8. But Why Is De Rum Gone?

**..: But Why Is De Rum Gone:..**

Heya! I know, I know, I promised you all s'mores, and you'll get them! But a certain red-head had a little bit TOO much fun with the flame, and things got very…well, it wasn't pretty, I'll tell ya that. Also, I'm about to be kicked off in a minute or so, so I'll be answering/etc all the reviews in the next chappie, which will hopefully be up tomorrow (later today for those 3+ hours ahead of the West Coast) or Sunday. Sowwies!

DISCLAIMER: "There were only two other white people at my school, a blond girl and a blond boy. We always figured they'd get married and have little blond babies."

* * *

Hey, look! A godforsaken spit of land! Wonder why that ship with the ripped-up sails is there…

"Go on, poppet!" Evan yelled to Kitty. "Walk the plank!"

Yes, Kitty was walking the plank. All the CJMs were crowded around it, pointing their swords at her. So Kitty backed up and walked the plank, hesitating at the end. Pshaw, I would, too! That water looks COLD.

Kurt struggled against the CJMs holding him back. "Magsy, you lying bastard!" he yelled. "You svore she'd go free!"

"Don't dare impugn my honor, boy," Magsy said. "I agreed she'd go free, but it was you who failed to specify when or where." All the CJMs laughed, and Rob gagged Kurt. Although, by all rights, Magsy **is** right. Kitty **is** going free, after all. "Though it does seem a shame to lose something so fine, doesn't it?" Magsy said to Kitty. "So I'll be having that dress back before you go."

Remy turned to Rob, who was guarding him. "Remy always liked y'," he said.

"Ew, QUEER!" Rob screamed, running away.

"What's wit' him?" Remy asked Jamie, who was having one of his JMs stay in the cell below deck.

"Must be all the fanfics saying he's gay," Jamie said.

"Y' read dose!" Remy gasped.

"No," Jamie said. "Ray prints them out and uses them to drive Rob insane."

"Oh," Remy said.

"Once he wallpapered Rob's room with them," Jamie continued. "He ended up in a full body cast."

"Rob was dat mad?" Remy said.

"No," Jamie said. "He crawled into a corner of the living room and assumed the fetal position for thirty-three hours straight."

"Den how did-" Remy began.

"Oh," Jamie said. "Ray insulted Kitty's cooking."

"Oh," Remy said, flinching. Jamie nodded solemnly.

Kitty ripped off the dress and threw it at Magsy. "It, like, goes with your black heart."

"Ooh, it's still warm," Magsy said, and threw it to a CJM.

"Ew, like, pedophile!" Kitty said.

"JUST WALK THE PLANK ALREADY!" Jamie screamed.

"What, you've always wanted to see a girl in a white dress fall off a plank?" Bobby asked.

"No, not really," Jamie said.

"Really?" Bobby said. "I have."

"…I don't get it," Jamie said to Remy. "What's he mean?"

"PERVERT!" Kitty screamed at Bobby.

Ray rolled his eyes. "Oh, for the love of-!" he snapped, and stomped on the plank. Kitty really wouldn't have fallen off if she hadn't freaked out and phased through it…but the point is, she did.

All the CJMs started laughing, half because she fell, and the other half because they had no clue what was going on. Remy started laughing too, but unfortunately for him, it was his turn to walk the plank.

"Remy really hoped we were all past dis," Remy said to Magsy.

Magsy laughed and put an arm around Remy's shoulders, turning him around to look at the godforsaken spit of land. "Gambit," he said. "Didn't you notice? That's the same island we made you governor of on our last little trip."

"Remy did notice," Remy said. "And, for de record, Remy was king."

"Perhaps you'll be able to conjure up another miraculous escape," Magsy said. He pointed his sword at Remy. "Off you go."

"Last time," Remy said. "Y' left me a pistol wit' one shot."

"By the powers, you're right," Magsy said. "Where's Gambit's pistol?"

"Seein' as dere's two of us," Remy said, "A gentleman would give us a pair of pistols."

"It'll be one pistol as before," Magsy said. "You can be the gentleman and shoot the lady and starve to death yourself." And he tossed Remy's pistol into the water. Remy dived in after it. May I add that it was also a beautiful dive? Seriously. Whoever's JD's diving double in the movie is amazing.

**On That Godforsaken Spit Of Land…**

Remy and Kitty walked up to the island. "Dat's de second time Remy's had to watch dat homme sail away wit' my ship," Remy said, and set off walking onto the grass.

Kitty hurried after him. "But you were, like, marooned on this island before. We can, like, escape the same you did."

Remy whirled around. "To what point an' purpose?" he demanded. "De _Black Pearl_ is gone. Unless y' have a rudder an' a lot of sails hidden in dat bodice…Unlikely. Young Monsieur Wagner will be dead long before y' can reach him." He walked away and knocked on a tree.

"But you're Captain Remy LeBeau," Kitty insisted. "You, like, vanished from seven agents of the East India Company. You sacked Nassau Port without even firing a shot. Are you the pirate I've read about or, like, not? How'd you escape last time?"

"Last time," Remy said. "Remy was here a grand total of t'ree days, all right? Last time…" He opened up a trapdoor hidden in the sand. "De runrunners used dis island as a cache," He climbed down into the hole. "Came by, and Remy was able to barter passage off. From de looks of t'ings, dey've long been out of business. Probably have y'r bloody friend Norrin'ton to t'ank for dat." He climbed out with two bottles of rum.

"So that's it, then?" Kitty said. "That's the secret grand adventure of the infamous Remy LeBeau? You spent three days lying on a beach, like, drinking rum?"

Remy held out his hands in a so-sue-me way and wiggled his hips. Loser. "Welcome to de Caribbean, chere," he said, handing her a bottle of rum and walking away.

Kitty glared at him for a minute, until… "An idea!"

**Later That Night…**

Kitty and Remy were dancing around a fire, singing. Well, I don't know if that really qualifies as singing, considering they were both shit-faced drunk. Well, Remy was, but Kitty…well, it was all part of her MASTER PLAN MUWAHAHAHAHA!

"We're devils, we're black sheep, we're really bad eggs, drink up me hearties, yo ho!" they sang. "Yo ho, yo ho-"

"Ouch!" Remy yelled as he stepped on a sharp rock, or something like that.

"-A pirate's life for me!" they finished.

"Remy love dis song!" Remy exclaimed. They hooked arms and spun around. "Really bad eggs!" Remy yelled. "Oh." He got dizzy and fell over.

Kitty "fell" next to him. "When Remy get de _Pearl_ back," Remy said. "Remy gonna teach it to de whole crew. We'll sing it all de time."

"You'll be the most fearsome pirate in, like, the Spanish Main," Kitty said.

"Not just de Spanish Main, chere," Remy said. "De entire ocean. De entire world. Wherever we want to go, we go. Dat's what a ship is, y' know. It's not just a keel an' a deck an' sails. Dat's what a ship needs. But what a ship is, what de _Black Pearl_ really is, is freedom."

Kitty leaned back on one elbow. "Remy," she said. "It must be really terrible for you to be, like, trapped on this island."

"Oh, yes," Remy said. "But de company is infinitely better dan last time, Remy t'ink." He put an arm around Kitty's shoulders. "Rogue's goin' to kill me later, isn' she?"

Kitty thought for a moment, then nodded. "Probably."

"Dat's very supportive of y'," Remy said sarcastically.

"No problem!" Kitty said. "But I'm not entirely sure I've, like, had enough rum to allow that kind of talk, anyway."

Remy shrugged. "Remy's a dead homme, anyway."

Kitty held out her almost-empty bottle of rum. "To, like, freedom," she said.

"To de _Black Pearl_," Remy said, clinking his bottle against hers. And they both drained their bottles. Well, Remy did, while Kitty stopped after a sip. All part of her MASTER PLAN MUWAHAHAHAHA! Remy fainted.

**The Morning After…**

Remy woke up with a headache. Then he noticed the smoke and shot up just in time to see Kitty throw a barrel into a huge pile of burning barrels, and duck as it exploded.

"Non!" Remy yelled, running at her. "Not good! Stop! Not good! What are y' doin'? Y' burned all de food, de shade! De rum!"

"Yeah, the rum's, like, gone," Kitty said.

"Why is de rum gone?" Remy demanded.

"One, because it's a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into, like, total hoods," Kitty said. "Two, that signal is, like, over a thousand feet high. The entire Royal Navy is looking for me. Do you think there's, like, the slightest chance they won't see?"

"But why is de rum gone?" **(1)**

Kitty sat down. "Just, like, wait, Captain LeBeau," she said. "You give it one hour, maybe two, and you will see white sails on that horizon."

Remy pulled his pistol out of his pants, thought about it, then stuffed it back in. **(2)**

"'Must've been terrible for y' to be trapped here, Remy.'" Remy mimicked Kitty as he stalked away. "Must've been terrible. Well, it bloody is now!" he yelled back to Kitty. Like Kitty could really hear him. "Especially since Remy has to say bloody!" He turned around…only to see white sails on the horizon. "Dere'll be no livin' wit' her after dis," Remy said.

**On Board the _Dauntless_…**

"But we've got to save Kurt!" Kitty said.

"No," Beast protested. "You're safe now. We will return to Port Royal, not go gallivanting after pirates!"

"Then we, like, condemn him to death!" Kitty protested.

"The elf's fate is regrettable," Beast said. "But so was his decision to engage in piracy."

"To rescue me!" Kitty said. "To, like, prevent anything from happening to me!"

"If Remy may be so bold as to inject my professional opinion," Remy interrupted, walking up to Pietro. "De _Pearl_ was listin' near to scuppers after de battle. It's very unlikely she'll be able to make good time. T'ink about it. De _Black Pearl_. De last real pirate t'reat in de Caribbean, homme. How can y' pas dat up, right?" And he flashed Pietro a winning smile.

"By remembering that I serve others, Mr. LeBeau, not only myself," Pietro said, and sniffed. "I hate this role."

Don't we all.

Pietro started walking away, but Kitty ran after him. "Commodore, I, like, beg you, please do this. For me. Like, as a wedding gift."

That got Pietro's attention. "Say WHAT!" he yelled, whirling around.

"Kitty," Beast said. "Are you accepting Pietro's proposal?"

"Yeah," Kitty said.

"Ewwwwwwwww," Pietro said. Very immaturely, I might add. **(3)**

"A weddin'!" Remy yelled. "Remy love weddin's! Drinks all around! Where's Logan's stash?" Pietro gave him a Look, and he slumped in defeat. "Remy know." He held out his hands, wrists together. "'Clap him in irons,' right?"

"Mr. LeBeau," Pietro said. "You will accompany these fine men…or pathetically hopeless boys…"

"Hey!" Bobby and Sam yelled.

Pietro ignored them. "…To the helm and provide us with a bearing to Isla de Muerta. You will then spend the rest of the voyage contemplating all meanings of the phrase 'silent as the grave.' Do I make myself clear?"

"Not really," Remy said. "Are dey fine men or pathetically hopeless boys?"

"We're right next to you, you know," Bobby said.

Everyone ignored him.

Pietro gave Remy a Look. "Ah," he said. "Inescapably clear, den."

**On The _Black Pearl_, In Pretty Filthy Cells…**

Evan and Scott were mopping the filthy floors with equally filthy (if not filthier) water. Oh yeah, and mops that looked downright slimy. Like Toad had made out with them or something. Okay, I just put a nasty image in my head. Shutting up.

Mystique the Parrot squawked. "Shiver me timbers!" She shuddered. "I will never, ever, be a parrot again."

"Sabey says you missed a bit," Logan said to Evan, who slammed his mop against the cell. Ooh, scary! All fear the almighty fierceness of the mop!

Kurt leaned against his cell, which was across from the Tortugian Pirates'. "You knew Raven Darkholme?" he asked Evan.

Evan paused in his mopping. Scott kept right on going. "Old Mystique," he said.

"I'm right here, you know!" Mystique said.

"You're a parrot, bub," Logan pointed out. Mystique ruffled her feathers and glared at him. Although, coming from a parrot, wasn't very fear-inspiring. At all.

"I'm trying to tell a story here!" Evan said exasperatedly. "Do you mind?"

"Actually, yes," Logan said.

Evan rolled his eyes and went on. "We knew her. Never sat well with Mystique, what we did to Remy LeBeau. The mutiny and all." Scott was still mopping, apparently oblivious to the entire conversation. "She said it wasn't right with the Code. You know," Evan said. "Mystique actually sounds…righteous."

Mystique opened her mouth…er, beak…to yell at Evan, and Sabey clamped his hand around it. "Thank you," Logan said.

"No problem," Sabey said. Yes, in this odd ficcie, they actually get along. More or less.

"That's why she sent off a piece of the treasure to you, man," Evan said to Kurt. "She said we deserved to be cursed. And remain cursed."

"Stupid blighter," Scott put in, having finally noticed them talking.

"Good man," Logan said. "I mean…you know what I mean."

"Well, as you can imagine," Evan said. "That didn't sit too well with the captain."

"That didn't sit too well with the captain at all," Scott said. "Tell him what Magsy did," he added to Evan.

"I'm telling the story!" Evan snapped.

"Touchy," Scott muttered.

Evan turned back to Kurt. "So, what the captain did. He strapped a cannon to Mystique's mystiques."

"Mystique's mystiques," Scott repeated stupidly. "Wait, how can you attach anything to someone's mystique?"

"Divine Intervention," Logan droned in a bored voice.

You got that right, bub.

"And last we saw of old Mystique," Evan said. "She was sinking into the crushing, black oblivion of Davy Jones's locker. Course," he added. "It was only after that we learned we needed her blood to lift the curse."

"That's what you call ironic," Scott said. Evan nodded.

And then Magsy and Ray came walking down into the cell. "Bring him," Magsy said, and magnetically threw the keys at Scott, nearly knocking the poor Cyclops out. What a sissy.

**Um, In A Rowboat, Or Something…**

Pietro was looking through his über important spyglass at the _Black Pearl_. "I don't care for the situation," he said to Remy. "Any attempt to storm the caves could turn into an ambush."

"Not if y're de one doin' de ambushin'," Remy said. "Remy convince Magsy to send his hommes out wit' deir little boats. Y' and y'r hommes return to de _Dauntless_ and blast de bejesus out of dem wit' y'r little cannons. What do y' have to lose?"

"Nothing I'd lament being rid of," Pietro said.

"Now," Remy said. "To be quite honest wit' y', dere's still a risk to dose aboard de _Dauntless_, which includes de future Madame Commodore."

"Ewwwwwwwww," Pietro said.

**Onboard The _Dauntless_…**

Kitty was being led – more like dragged – into a cabin…thing. "Sorry, but it's for your own safety, yo," Toad said.

"The commodore, like, ordered!" Kitty yelled, struggling against the two SJMs. Obviously, she had forgotten that she could phase. "I have to tell him! The pirates! They're, like, cursed! They can't be killed!"

The SJMs managed to half-throw Kitty into the cabin…thing, and Toad stood in the doorway. "Don't worry, yo," he said. "Pietro's informed of that. A little mermaid flopped up on the deck and told him the whole story. He laughed and closed the doors in her face.

Kitty pounded against the door, still forgetting that she could phase. "This is, like, Remy LeBeau's doing!" she yelled.

* * *

**(1)** The best line. Ever.

**(2)** Is it just me, or does that sound wrong? Just me? Ah, well, I blame the Austin Powers marathon that was on TBS.

**(3)** I think that just about sums up my opinion on KIETRO.

That's all for now! As I mentioned above, review replies/etc will be in the next chappie! Which will be up Saturday or Sunday! Hopefully! Please review!


	9. The End!

**..: The End :..**

Hey guys! Sowwies I haven't updated in a while, but my USB stick thingie (which I keep just about everything on – yes, bad planning, I know) got totally fudged up and doesn't work anymore! But my mom's fiancé was totally nice about it and gave me a new, better one! Of course, I can't get back anything I had in my old one, but it's still a pretty good consolation. Plus anything I really planned on using is in my green notebook (in rough outlines, but the point is, they're there). So yeah. Oh yeah, I've also been trying to beat the VG X-Men Legends, and it is frickin' HARD! Well, not really, just the last part where ya gotta beat Master Mold. Yesh, the game has really pissed me off, cuz I had Master Mold with 1/3 of his health left, and then Cyke went and DIED on me! And he was my last player. So yeah…

Oh yeah, and the Pixie Stix idea came from **EvilWhiteRaven**. DUDE! You all need to go read her ficcie **Insert Title Here**! It's weird, it's disturbing, but it ish FUNNY, YO! GO READ IT! Well, after you read this! Hehehe, plugging for other people is fun!

Okay, now it's S'MORE TIME!

**Psychobunny410** – (Chappie 6) Thanks! Aw dude the gag reel's funny! Yeah, Orlando Bloom does the flippy thing with the sword and messes up like 16 times…well, they only show like 5 or something on the gag reel, but Keira said that he had to do it 16 times…and then there's the whole mayonnaise thing, too. (Chappie 7) Yesh, Scott is very OOC in this ficcie. He **might** get back to his regular self in X Mulan 2. Might. (Chappie 8) Yeah, I know, not my best work. But in the immortal words of Pumbaa, "You gotta put your behind in the past!" LoLz. Here ya go! 3 s'mores!

**Quing** – Wow! You reviewed every single chappie! Here! Have 8 s'mores!

**Sangofanatic** – (Chappie 7) Ai, you come up with brilliant ideas! Must…read…mind…haha LoLz, jk. I HAVE ESPN! Here! Have a s'more!

**Pyromaniac** – (Chappie 6) Yesh, I know, über long update. Sowwies! (Chappie 7) Sowwies, for Shrek I've already planned on Sam being Shrek. Kinda hence the idea for it being **Redneck Shrek**. And Rahne'll be Fiona, and Bobby'll be Donkey (hehe…I get to turn him into an ass!), and I think I'm gonna make Jamie Lord Farquaad. And Remy'll be Monsieur Robin Hood. And for the sequel…hehehe…Ray and Rob aren't going to like it. I dunno who'll be King and Queen of Far Far Away Land, though. No, wait, I got an idea! TONDA! Well, one-sided. Poor Toad…And of course Jean would be the Fairy Godmother. Hehehe…Berzerker in Boots! Yesh, I LUVERZ Ray! I LUVERZ all of my torturees! Well, except JOTT. But then again, who does? (Chappie 8) Ah, I've always made a point to stay away from parrots. Which explains why I've never gone to the bird show at Six Flags: Marine World. Here ya go! 3 s'mores!

**Enigmagirl2727** – (Chappie 6) Yesh, Pyro loves the flames. Sometimes he gets a wee bit too carried away, though. But that's why I have the Almighty Garden Hose! (Chappie 8) Ah, it's very easy to follow the non-casted X-Men talking among themselves. Essentially, the X-Men are remaking the movie, only doing an extremely bad job. And all the other X-Men (X-Kids, mostly) stand around and watch. Here, have 2 s'mores!

**EE's Skysong** – (Chappie 7) I know, rabid parody plotbunnies are eeevil! Just about the ONLY movies I haven't gotten bit by them are the Austin Powers movies…and for that I am eternally grateful. KNOCK ON WOOD KNOCK ON WOOD! (Chappie 8) KIETRO…ew. OMG that soda thing ish so funny! Here ya go! 2 s'mores!

**Simba317** – (Chappie 7) Ah, yesh, the F.SPYKEttes and F.CYCLOPSicles were off on a FanGirl Scout Cookie mission. But they're back now! With FanGirl Scout Cookies! (Chappie 8) WHOA! Long review! No, Logan does NOT have a thing for Mystique! EW! Although I reread it, and I did make it kinda sound like that. Oops. ROLO! Or is it LORO? Either way, it's Logan and Ororo! Only in XME, though. And yesh, KIETRO and RIETRO are just SICK AND WRONG! DUDE! Thanks for the awesome idea for Rogue's Revenge MUWAHAHAHA! YOU ROCKETH! Since you gave such a long review, have 3 s'mores!

**Silvar** – (Chappie 1) Yeah, I know, I LUVERZ Celia Rees's books! Speckled Bird made me cry, too! And Jaybird. (sniff sniff) Here! Have a s'more!

**PhantomPunkEvo** – Um, I'm not even sure if you're gonna read this, cuz you reviewed X Mulan, but, um, here's a s'more!

DUDE! I came up with an evil idearr! Well, it's evil for the dear little X-Men, anyway. So anywayz, I was in the DVD rental store, getting **Gattaca** (I only rented it for Bio, but it's a really good movie! If you like Sci-Fi you should watch it! Plus Jude Law ish SOOO funny!) when I couldn't help but notice X-Men: The Movie! And X2: X-Men United! And then a rabid parody plotbunny jumped out of Balto III: Wings of Change playing on the TV (I totally missed the release of this movie, when did that happen? And they honestly need to stop doing Balto movies) and – you got it – BIT me! So then I got an idearr to put the Evo kids into the movie! I'm pretty sure this is unoriginal, and I'm also pretty sure that someone else has already done this, but I live for torturing these people! Plus Jean dies in the 2nd movie! Yeah, I know, she'll come back as Dark Phoenix in X-Men 3, and I like her in the movieverse, but in XME, DEATH TO JEAN! So whaddya think of that? I know Rogue, Bobby, and Logan will kill me if I do this. But who cares?

Oh yeah, and Bryan Singer (the director of the X-Men movies) abandoned X-Men 3 for Superman Returns. And so did James Marsden (the guy who plays Cyke). Except he MIGHT be doing both movies. Not sure. Oh yeah, and Halle Berry's most likely not in X-Men 3. And Beast, Angel, and Gambit are gonna be in the movie, with Beast and Angel in major roles. And who knows if it'll be ROMY, cuz Rogue and Bobby seem pretty close. And they were gonna make Angel a girl, but he's gonna be a guy. And Beast had a cameo in X2! I had to rewatch the movie to find it, but he's there! And Jubes, Kitty, and Piotr have really small parts in both movies, except Piotr had like THE lames cameo ever in the 1st movie. But whatever.

DISCLAIMER:

"Don't move, I wanna take a picture of you up there!"

"Okay, but if I fall off this catwalk and die, I am SO haunting this theater!"

* * *

So the Cursed Pirates had gotten back to the dreaded Isla de Muerta and were currently taking Kurt to the cursed treasure of Cortés himself.

"No reason to fret, man," Evan was saying to Kurt. "Just a prick of the finger, a few drops of blood."

"No mistakes this time," Rob said. "He's only half Darkholme. We spill it all!" And he cackled idio-evilly.

Evan and Scott watched Rob lead Kurt away, still cackling idio-evilly. "Guess there is reason to fret, then," he said, and he and Scott laughed.

**However Long Later…**

Kurt was bending over the treasure chest, with Magsy holding the knife, about to start his lame speech again. And all the Cursed Pirates were gathered around, chanting "ho" over and over. Again. It's kinda lame the second time around.

Thank Rob for Remy, who was steadily making his way toward Magsy, confusing all the CJMs that he passed. "Beg y'r pardon, beg y'r pardon," he said as he squeezed by.

"Begun by blood…" Magsy began.

"Excusez-moi," Remy said.

"By blood und-" Remy had finally pushed his way to the front, stopping Magsy from saying his lame speech, and also stopping all the Cursed Pirates saying ho. Well, Scott was still chanting it until Evan punched him and turned his head about 45 degrees.

Kurt looked up. "Remy!" he said, looking pretty damn surprised.

"It's not possible," Magsy said.

"Not probable," Remy corrected.

Kurt straightened. "Where's Kitty?"

Remy walked over to the bottom of the little rock the cursed treasure of Cortés himself was on, Ray holding him by the shoulder. Although Remy really could have knocked Ray over easily. "She's safe, just like Remy promised. She's all set to marry Norrin'ton, just like she promised. And y' get to die for her, just like y' promised. So we're all men of our word, really. Except for Kitty, who is, in fact, une chaton."

"Shut up!" Magsy said to Remy, who immediately started cracking up instead. "What's so funny?"

"Hearin' an old homme wit' a bucket on his head and a lame cape tell y' to shut up is…" Remy trailed off into laughter. So did all the CJMs.

Then an extremely short lady with black hair and glasses that took up over half of her face walked up to Magsy and ripped off his cape. "NO CAPES!" she yelled, and walked away, muttering about supers and their thick skulls. **(1)**

"Don't feel bad," Storm said. "She took mine, too."

But back to the movie. The two CJMs bent Kurt over the cursed treasure of Cortés himself and Magsy held the knife to his throat. "Y' don' want to be doin' dat, homme," Remy said to him.

"No, I really think I do," Magsy said.

Remy shrugged. "Y'r funeral."

Magsy rolled his eyes. "Why don't I want to be doing it?" he demanded resignedly.

"Well, because…" Remy slapped Ray's hand off his shoulder. "Because de _HMS Dauntless_, pride of de Royal Navy, is floatin' just offshore, waitin' for y'."

And indeed they were. All of the SJMs – plus Bobby and Sam and Pietro – sat stiffly in their little rowboats. "What are we doing here?" Bobby asked Sam.

Sam sighed. "The pahrates come out, unprepared an' unaware. We catch 'em in a crossfire, send 'em down to see Old Hob."

"I know why we're here," Bobby said. "I meant, why aren't we doing what Mr. LeBeau said we should do with the cannons and all?"

"Because it was Mr. LeBeau who said it," Pietro said.

Bobby looked back at Sam. "You think he wasn't telling the truth?" he asked.

**Do You Really Wanna Know The Answer To That Question…**

"Just hear Remy out, homme," Remy said to Magsy. "Y' order y'r men to row to de _Dauntless_, dey do what dey do best-"

"Bug them to death?" one CJM asked another, who rolled his eyes.

"Logan's y'r uncle, Stormy's y'r aunt," Remy said. "Dere y' are wit' two ships."

"Haha, very funny," Storm said dryly offstage.

Remy ignored her. "De makin's of y'r very own fleet. Of course, y'll take de grandest as y'r flagship, and who's to argue? But what of de _Pearl_? Name Remy captain. Remy'll sail under y'r colors. Remy'll give y' ten percent of my plunder. And y' get to introduce y'self as Commodore Magsy. D'accord?"

"I suppose in exchange, you want me not to kill the elf," Magsy said.

"Non, non, non. Not at all," Remy said. "By all means, kill de elf."

"Thanks, I feel so loved," Kurt said sarcastically.

"Y'r welcome," Remy said. He turned back to Magsy. "Just not yet. Wait to lift de curse until de opportune moment." He flashed Kurt a Remy's-really-talkin'-to-y'-so-y'-better-be-payin'-attention look. "For instance," he continued, picking up a handful of **Medallions** (DMP), "After y've killed Norrin'ton's men. Every-" He dropped in a **Medallion** (DMP). "-Last-" He dropped in another one. "-One." He dropped in a third one, and secretly hid the last in his hand.

Kurt saw it. "You've been planning this from the beginning!" he said. "Ever since you learned my name."

"Ouai," Remy said. **(2)**

"I want fifty percent of your plunder," Magsy said.

"Fifteen," Remy said.

"Forty."

"Twenty-five. Remy'll buy y' de hat," Remy said. "A really big one, Commodore."

Magsy shook Remy's hand. "We have an accord."

"All hands to de boats!" Remy called out.

Magsy gave him a Look.

"Apologies," Remy said. "Y' give de orders."

"Boys," Magsy yelled. "Take a walk." All the Cursed Pirates laughed and walked off…why are they taking torches with them?

Remy looked worried. "Not to de boats?" he asked. Magsy gave him another Look.

Evan and Scott started walking off when Ray stopped them with a parasol. They looked down at it, then up at Ray, who had a very evil smile on his face.

I would just like to point out now that the moon is completely visible.

**Über Cool CGI Effects…**

The Cursed Pirates were walking underneath the _Dauntless_, scaring all the fishies away. Gee, I wonder why…

So anyway, since I don't really feel like describing the camera panning all around the Cursed Pirates, let's cut to the chase. An über-P.O'd looking CJM with dreadlocks was leading the way, with Ray and Rob not too far behind. Evan and Scott aren't there…hm…

"No!" Evan was yelling offstage. "I am NOT wearing that! You can't make me!"

"Oh, come on, Evan," Scott said. "They're not that bad. And you get to wear fake moles! Just like Christina Aguilera!"

Evan looked at Scott oddly. "Are you queer," he asked. "Or just plain stupid?"

"Just plain stupid," Ororo answered for Scott. "I thought we'd cleared that up a few chapters ago. Now shut up and put on the French Maid outfit."

"Over my dead body," Evan said.

"That can be arranged," an all too familiar voice said. Evan turned around and squeaked like a fat mouse face to face with a cat.

"Sorry we took so long," LLAMA said, popping up next to EMOO. "But you would not believe how hard it is to find a skateboard that can beat the Porcupine's head into a bloody pulp without breaking."

Evan squeaked again.

"What about the rest of the F.SPYKEttes?" Ororo asked.

"They're at Skatopia," EMOO said.

"Ah," Ororo said.

"What's your excuse?" Scott asked HULA.

"They want you dead, and you're asking them why they weren't here?" Evan asked incredulously.

"Well, SODA wanted to go surfing," HULA said. "So after we dropped him off in Hawaii, we got attacked by fangirls demanding FGSCs."

"FGS-whats?" Evan asked.

"FanGirl Scout Cookies," EMOO said.

"Here, try a Thin Mint," LLAMA said, handing one to Evan. It was in the shape of his face…with a stake right through each eye.

"Is this poisoned or something?" Evan asked.

"Evan, relax," Scott said, munching on a Samoa featuring his face spouting chocolate frosting blood from a bullet wound between his eyes. "They have skateboards and surfboards of DOOM for a reason."

"That's not very comforting," Evan said.

"Of course it isn't," Ororo said. "Now get in the French Maid dress!"

**Back To Those Little Rowboats…**

Pietro squinted at a little rowboat coming out of the cave. The SJMs – plus Bobby and Sam – immediately cocked their rifles, but Pietro noticed that whoever was in it were wearing French Maid dresses and carrying big parasols.

"This is just like what the Greeks did at Troy!" Scott said excitedly. "Except they were in a horse instead of dresses. A wooden horse. And Brad Pitt was there. And Sean Bean. Even though Achilles really was supposed to be dead already. He got shot in the heel before then. And Paris should have been dead too. And Hector's wife and son never escaped through those tunnels. That guy with the torch and the old man did, though. He went on to found Italy, you know," Scott added to Evan with a nod. "And Helen detested Paris after Aphrodite's love magic ended. And the gods actually fought in the war. And the war lasted nine years. The movie made it seem like it lasted three months. And I don't know whatever happened to Atlas, but…the point is, he was supposed to be there. And Achilles was supposed to be dead, and his armor went do Odysseus, who did something with them after Atlas went mental and killed himself. They had to build a huge stone tomb for him because he didn't die in battle, so they couldn't cremate him. And Paris should've been a lot more cowardly and pompous and all-around hate-worthy. And Philoctetes should've been there. He killed Paris with Hercules's poisoned arrows. Except they had to rescue him from the island of Lesbos. And please be mature about the name," Scott added with a shake of his head. "You know, some person wrote a romance book about Philoctetes. He wasn't a satyr, by the way. No, he was human. He was a young man when Hercules died, actually. He lit Hercules's funeral pyre. Hercules actually had an interesting and tragic death…but back to the book. It's called **Sirena** by Donna Jo Napoli. I think Bobby read it…don't ask me why."

"I think it might have been because it had topless sirens in it," Robbie said.

"No, I think it was because the guy was naked for most of the book," Ray.

"HEY!" Bobby yelled.

"Meep," Ray meeped, and ran for it.

"Can I have your earrings after you die?" Pietro called after him.

Everyone stared at him. "What?" Pietro said. "I don't see any of you with pierced ears."

"Actually," Rob said. "After that incident during X Mulan…"

"Oh, well, in that case," Pietro said with a snicker, "I think Robbie will need them more than I do."

Robbie glared at him. "Wait," he said. "Since when is my name Robbie?"

Since a few seconds ago. Rob was too boring, but Roberto's too long. And my friend's little brother's name is Robbie.

"What does that have to do with me?" Robbie demanded.

Absolutely nothing. I mean, you're Brazilian and he's Filipino. You're a mutant and he plays the bells. Or whatever you call those things that are like xylophones but aren't. Oh yeah, and he plays the slide trombone. And I think he can skateboard.

"…Riiight," Robbie said.

Scott went back to his monologue. "And Paris had had an affair with some witch lady, and he had a son. Only when his son came to Troy Paris killed him. And after Philoctetes shot Paris he went to the witch lady, except she wouldn't heal him because he had killed their son. I personally agree with her," Scott added with another nod to Evan. "Anyway, so he died, and then the witch lady had a change of heart and she went to heal him, except then she found his funeral pyre still burning, and she threw herself onto the pyre and died. Now, I don't agree with her on that. That's more than a little crazy. And in the movie they never mentioned that guy who suspected there was something up with the wooden horse, except then he and his sons were killed by snakes or something. In the movie they had Paris do that, except Paris should have been dead by then. And Brad Pitt really didn't do Achilles much justice…" **(3)**

Evan rolled his eyes.

Meanwhile, the Cursed Pirates were climbing up the ropes tying the _Dauntless _down in all their rotting, decaying, slimy glory.

**And Now For A Meaningful Father-Daughter Moment…**

Yeah, right.

"A moment, please," Beast said to the SJM standing guard outside Kitty's cabin…thing, who left. "Kitty?" He knocked on the door. "I just want you to know that I believe you made a very good decision today."

Inside the cabin…thing, Kitty paused in putting on an SJM jacket, then continued when she saw that Beast wasn't coming in.

Beast sat down outside and continued. "Couldn't be more proud of you. But, you know, even a good decision, if made for the wrong reasons, can be a wrong decision."

Meanwhile, a CJM with a knife in his mouth slowly started climbing onto the ship.

"Look into that," Toad was saying to a SJM. "Report back, yo." He turned around and noticed the rowboat with the French Maids.

"Yoo-hoo!" Scott called out to the SJMs, who shuddered.

Meanwhile, the Cursed Pirates climbed onto the ship and stealthily made their way toward the unsuspecting SJMs. Poor guys.

"Kitty?" Beast called when he noticed that Kitty wasn't giving him an answer. "Are you there?" He got up and went inside the cabin…thing. "Kitty, are you even listening to me?"

Apparently not. A bunch of sheets tied together to make a rope led down to the water, where Kitty was rowing away.

Also, the Cursed Pirates were now killing the SJMs very silently. You gotta admit, they're good.

And then Beast saw the sheets. "Oh, what have you done?" he said.

"Oooh!" Scott called again.

"Stop that!" Evan snapped. "I already feel like an idiot. Or a transvestite."

Pyro started cracking up insanely offstage. "Hehehe…Transylvanian transvestite!" he cackled.

"We've gotta stop lettin' him watch Rocky Horror," Rogue said.

"And sniff Pixie Stix," Jubilee added as she tipped five Pixie Stix down her throat.

"DID SOMEONE SAY PIXIE STIX?" Pyro demanded.

Jubilee hid the box of Pixie Stix behind her back. "No, um, I said…Dipsy Shits."

"Oh," Pyro said, nodding. "That makes sense." He started laughing at Evan again. "TRANSYLVANIAN TRANSVESTITE!"

Evan glared at him.

"You look nice, though," Scott said helpfully.

That, apparently, was the last straw for our dear little Spyke. He dropped his parasol and throttled Scott very Homer-throttling-Bart-esquely. "I look nice!" he yelled.

Unfortunately, doing that put both of them in full path of the moonlight. And Toad just happened to be watching through his hand-dandy spyglass at the time. Evan shot a spike at him. It wasn't a very good shot, though, and he only succeeded in knocking Toad's dorky hat off. Of course, as soon as Toad turned around he saw the CJMs. Way to go, Evan.

Of course, a big fight ensued, with the CJMs winning. Beast opened the door to the cabin…thing and looked out just in time to see a SJM get killed right in front of him. A CJM was still repeatedly stabbing it for some odd reason. After staring in horror for a minute, Beast closed the door to cower inside the cabin…thing.

**Back In The Cave Of The Dreaded Isla De Muerta…**

Remy was wandering around, looking at a gold statue of a…something. Duncan was guarding Kurt, Principal (or is it Senator? Oh well) Kelly was sitting around, and Paul was skipping rocks. Why did I use them? Cuz I felt like torturing those damn mutant haters! "I must admit, Gambit," Magsy said. "I thought I had you figured. But it turns out you're a hard man to predict."

"Me?" Remy said, tossing away the gold…statue…thing with a clang. "Remy's dishonest. And a dishonest homme y' can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's de honest ones y' want to watch out for, because y' can never predict when dey're goin' to do somet'in' incredibly stupid." **(4)** He took a sword from Paul and shoved him in the water. He tossed the sword to Kurt, who caught it and shoved over Duncan. Magsy got up and drew his sword, and he and Remy started a Really Cool Swordfight That the Authoress Can't Explain.

Kelly slashed at Kurt with his sword, who turned so that he instead cut through his ropes. Nice trick. He then started fighting Kelly and Duncan, who had just gotten up.

Remy and Magsy were fighting, blah, blah, blah. Then Remy cut Magsy's hat off. Well, that really seemed to piss old Magsy off. So more vicious fighting that I can't explain at all ensued…

**On The _Black Pearl_…**

Kitty had gotten to the _Black Pearl_ and was climbing up the side of it, passing by two CJMs sitting at a table loaded with food. "Right," the first CJM said. "What would you pick to eat first?"

"I think we should decide now," the other CJM said. "Just so we're ready when the time comes."

"CAKE!" they both yelled.

Kitty finally swung herself onto the deck, turned around and – GAH! IT'S HIDEOUS!

Monkey Dude hung down in front of her, screeching his rotting head off.

Kitty glared at him.

Monkey Dude got scared.

**Thirty Seconds Later…**

The two CJMs heard a clunk and looked out the little cannon window in time to see Monkey Dude land straddling the cannon and slide off. Ouch.

Kitty looked over the edge to watch Monkey Dude fall into the water – and saw the two CJMs! GASP!

Literally. The two CJMs looked up, saw her, and immediately went off after her.

Kitty ran down the stairs to below the deck, saw the CJMs heading up, and ran and hid. Like many chase scenes, the two CJMs ran right by her and continued on up the stairs. After a few seconds, Kitty crept out and ran down the stairs.

Back in the cells, Logan heard a noise. "Shut up!" he growled, turning to see who was there. "Half-Pint!"

**Back To The _Dauntless_…**

The SJMs were losing. Badly. Although that's kind of a no-duh, considering the CJMs are pretty much immortal.

Oh, but one brave SJM managed to ring that big old bell before he was brutally slaughtered by an over-exuberant CJM.

Back in the rowboats, Pietro finally turned around and saw the little flashes of gunshots. "Holy – what the hell?" he gasped.

Bobby and Sam looked up from where they were playing Slapjack. "Oh, you didn't notice those?" Bobby asked, looking up. Sam took the opportunity to slap the Jack of Diamonds Bobby had just lain down. "I heard those from the moment Evan shot Toad's hat off."

"And you didn't tell me this WHY?" Pietro demanded.

"Because it was crucial to the plot that those soldiers out there died," Sam explained.

"Not really," Pietro said.

"Well, vahlence is cool," Sam said, slapping the Two of Spades he had just put down over Bobby's Two of Hearts. "Yah know," he added to Bobby, "Yah suck at playin' cards."

"If we had an Xbox and some video games, I would be kicking your ass right now," Bobby said.

"And then Jamie would kick yahrs," Sam said.

"SHUT UP AND ROW!" Pietro screeched at them.

"Touchy," Bobby muttered.

**In Kitty's Cabin…Thing…**

Beast stared through the window at the fighting going on like an idiot until a CJM was slammed against it and slid down with a squeaking noise. Ew. Then Robbie noticed Beast.

"That can't be good," Beast muttered.

A second later, three skeletal hands shot through the glass. One grabbed Beast's hideous wig and yanked it off. Of course, Beast had to be a vain idiot and went and smashed through the arm.

**Back In The Cave…**

Remy was losing…wait. Remy was **losing**? Okay, whatever. He tripped over a rock, got up, parried, and fell over again when Magsy punched him.

Magsy tossed his sword away. "You can't beat me, Gambit," he said.

Remy got up and stabbed Magsy right in the stomach. Magsy looked down at it, then rolled his eyes and sighed a Can-he-get-ANY-stupider Sigh. Then he yanked it out and stabbed Remy. Look, there's, like, two inches sticking out of his back! COOL!

Remy gasped and choked, backing up into a conveniently placed spot of moonlight. Magsy looked shocked. For once. Remy examined one of his skeletonified hands. "Dat's interestin'," he said.

Kurt conked Paul over the head with the hilt of his sword (not doing him any brain damage, since Paul's head was trapped in a big gold goblet), shoved him away, and stared up at Remy. Well, yeah, he does look pretty freaky.

Remy did the cool finger thing with **The Medallion** (DMP). "Couldn' resist, homme," he said to Magsy, who made a "pfft" noise and threw a handful of gold coins at him. Remy ducked, yanked the sword out of him, and everyone continued fighting.

**Beast vs. The Hand…**

Well, at least Beast was winning. He looked like a complete idiot pounding at it with a paper scroll, but at least he was winning.

When it was finally still he picked it up by the stringy thing where its elbow would've been…and then it came back to life! AAAHHHHHH! After struggling for a while, he finally shoved into a drawer and shut it. Then the entire desk started shaking. That is one persistent hand.

**Back To Kurt…**

Okay, those mutant-haters must **really** be stupid. After slashing at Kurt twice, Kelly lunged and stabbed him…except Kurt stepped aside at the last moment and Kelly ended up stabbing Duncan. Then Kurt jumped behind Kelly so that Duncan stabbed **him**. They stared at Kurt, then yanked out their swords and ran after him.

**Back To The _Black Pearl_**…

The two CJMs wandered around on deck, looking pretty paranoid. They leaned over the railing…

And a lifeboat swung down and knocked them into the water. Poor dudes…

All the TJMs…plus Logan…plus Rogue…plus Sabey struck supposedly fierce poses that only turned out dorky. Kitty ran for the lifeboat. "All of you with me!" she yelled. "Kurt's in that cave, and we have to, like, save him! Ready? And, heave!" And she tugged on the rope. Of course, being the tiny pipsqueak she is, the boat didn't even move. She turned around to see all the TJMs…plus Logan…plus Rogue…plus Sabey giving her identical Riiiiight Looks. "Please, I, like, need your help! Come on!"

Mystique squawked. "Any port in a storm." Sabey gave her a cracker. She bit him on the ear. Hard.

"Sabey's right," Logan said while said Sabey ran around the deck, howling and snatching futilely at his new earring. "We've got the _Pearl_."

"Like, what about Remy?" Kitty asked. "Are you gonna leave him?"

"Hey, tha Swamp Rat's gettin' off easy fo' his punishment," Rogue said. "Cheatin' on meh with **Jean** of all people-"

"NOT'IN' HAPPENED!" Remy yelled.

Rogue ignored him. "-gettin' drunk on a godforsaken spit of land, flirtin' with yah, AND namin' yah Duchess of tha place!"

"What?" Kitty said.

"Remy named Kurt Duke," Remy suggested.

"That's not gonna help yah, Swamp Rat," Rogue said.

"Look, Stripes," Logan said to Rogue. "Maybe we should listen to Half-Pint. I mean, Remy **is** my drinking buddy, after all."

Rogue growled at him.

"Sorry, Half-Pint, can't help ya," Logan said quickly to Kitty.

Five minutes later found Kitty rowing away by herself. "Bloody pirates," she muttered.

**On The _Dauntless_…**

"Hey," Scott said to Evan.

"What?" Evan snapped.

"Is it supposed to be doing that?" Scott asked, pointing at the _Black Pearl_, which was sailing away.

"They're stealing our ship!" Evan said.

"Bloody pirates!" Scott yelled.

Meanwhile, Pietro and his crew finally got to the _Dauntless_ and climbed on. Pietro shot Rob in the face (gee, he seems to be getting shot in the face a lot), which had no effect on him whatsoever. Well, it actually ticked him off a bit.

One idiotical SJM swung a swinging pulley thingie at Ray. Unsurprisingly, he missed. Surprisingly, the swinging pulley thingie hit Scott on the back of his head, knocking his faulty wooden ruby quartzsunglasses off. "My sunglasses!" Scott shrieked, squeezing his eyes shut and feeling around on the deck for them.

Bobby and Sam finally climbed up onto the deck. They took one look at the battle, shook hands, and ran into the fray, screaming like idiots. At least they had their swords drawn.

**Back In The Cave…**

Kurt dove out of the way of a bomb, landing rather painfully on a rock. Kelly towered over him. "I'm gonna teach you the meaning of pain!" he said.

"You like pain?" Kitty demanded, hitting him with a long gold staff thingie. "Like, try wearing a corset." She held out the staff thingie to Kurt to help him up and they almost had a Moment…

Until Kitty saw Remy and Magsy fighting, both in rotting form. "Whose side is Remy on?" she asked.

"At the moment?" Kurt said. Kitty nodded and ran off after the CJMs. Paul had finally managed to pry the big gold goblet off his head…just in time for Kitty to whack him across the face. Then she and Kurt shoved the staff thingie through all three of them – with a little help from Kitty's phasing. Then Tabby came running up out of nowhere, shoved a handful of bombs into Kelly's ribcage, and ran off again, laughing evilly and screaming something about Freedom, Beauty, Truth, Love, and Absinthe. **(5) **Kurt and Kitty shoved the mutant haters out of the moonlight, leaving Kelly tugging uselessly at his stomach. "No fair," he whimpered. And then a bomb blew up the White House! Accompanied by a cheesy bum bum bum bu-nu-num!

"That was actually footage from the movie **Independence Day**, but the real bomb would have been a lot like that," the REAL Jamie said. **(6) **"And unless you want Tabby to actually blow them up, I demand 100 billion gazillion quadrillion…yen.**(7)** Wait, scratch that, make that Canadian money instead."

"OH, CANADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Logan sang. Very badly.

Pyro immediately clapped his hands over his ears and rolled around on the floor. "Make it stop, make it stop!" he screamed.

"Actually, that's all of the song I know anyway," Logan said. "I'll get the rest of it off the Internet for ya." **(8)**

**Über Dramaticness!**

Kurt and Kitty both ran for the treasure chest, except Kurt, being a teleporter, got there first. Remy noticed this, grabbed his **Medallion** (DMP), slit his palm, and threw it at Kurt. Magsy pulled out his pistol and pointed it at Kitty, who stood dead still (obviously forgetting that she could phase through the bullet).

AND THEN THERE WAS A GUNSHOT!

AND KITTY JUMPED!

Only, the shot didn't come from Magsy's pistol! It came from (GASP) Remy's! And it was pointed at Magsy! WOW I **SO** DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!

"Ten years you carried that pistol," Magsy said to Remy, "And now you waste your shot."

"He didn't vaste it," Kurt said über dramatically. And he opened his hand and dropped the two bloody **Medallions** (DMP) even more über dramatically into the chest.

And then Magsy ripped open his shirt to reveal a bloody hole right over where his heart should be. Cool, look at all that blood spilling out. Staining the shirt. COOL! "I feel…" Magsy said über dramatically. "…Cold. Wait. Where's my apple? I can't die without my apple!"

Kitty grabbed an apple conveniently located on Logan's claws and handed it to Magsy. "Here."

"Thank you," Magsy said. And he flopped to the ground, dead. And the apple rolled out of his hand über dramatically.

"MY DADDY'S DEAD!" Pietro wailed. "WHY? WHY?"

"No, wait, he might not be dead," Pyro said cheerfully, hooking Magsy up to a heart monitor. There was a flat green line and a long, long, LONG beeping noise.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" Pietro sobbed.

"Yes, that is y equals _n_," Beast said. "That's how you know the difference between x equaling a number and y equaling a number," he explained to several Jamies sitting around him. "When x equals a number, it's always vertical on a graph, but when y equals a number, it's always horizontal. And an easy way to remember this is what's happening right now. See, Pietro's yelling 'yyyyyyyyy.' The line's flat, and he's yelling 'yyyyyyyy.' That's how you can remember: Whenever someone dies, their line goes horizontal, and someone yells 'yyyyyyyyyyyyy'!" **(9)**

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," the Jamies chorused.

Pietro latched onto the thing nearest him and sobbed into it. Of course, that thing turned out to be Ray. "Why do all the guys cry on me?" he said.

Everyone turned to Bobby – well, except for Pietro. Bobby shrugged. "He's always nearby."

"And the look on his face is hilarious," Robbie added.

"Hey, why aren't you crying?" Pyro asked Wanda. "I mean, Magsy **did** have Monkey Dude alter your memories and all-"

"What?" Wanda said.

"Um…I said…Dipsy Shits," Pyro said.

"Oh," Wanda said. "That makes sense."

Pietro abruptly stopped crying. "Okay, I'm good," he said. "Ooh, cool! Look at my bloody sword!"

"Wait," Robbie said. "That's **my** blood!"

"Good point," Bobby said. "I mean, you do have those bleeding slits all over your face."

"You could have mentioned this before, you know," Robbie said crossly to Pietro.

"Well, EXCUSE ME if I was too busy making Ray extremely uncomfortable!" Pietro snapped back.

"…Is it just me," Robbie said. "Or did that sound wrong?"

"It's just yah,"Sam said.

"Oh, okay," Robbie said, shrugging. Then he keeled over and died.

"Wow, a lot of people die in this parody,"Bobby noted.

Robbie popped back up. "Yeah, it kinda sucks that I had to die twice," he said.

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!" Storm yelled, smiting him with a bolt of lightning.

"Sorry," Robbie said, keeling over and dying again.

"Okay, well, um, drop your swords!" Pietro yelled at the remaining Cursed Pirates, pointing his still bloody sword at them.

Robbie popped back up. "You know, now I've died three times," he said.

"Robbie…" Storm said threateningly.

"Four," Robbie said quickly, and keeled over…again.

"Drop your swords!" Pietro yelled at the Cursed Pirates.

"Um, this shirt feels worse than cold spit," Ray said. "Can I go now?"

"You're excused," Pietro said. Ray ran offstage. "Anyone else?" he asked.

"No, no we're good," the CJMs said.

"DROP YOUR SWORDS!" Pietro yelled again. **(10)**

And they did.

Scott stood up, having just managed to find his visor and put it on. "Parley?" Evan tried.

"The ship is ours, gentlemen," Pietro said.

"Do we really have to say 'huzzah'?" Sam asked.

"Yes," Pietro said.

"Why?" Bobby whined.

"Because **I** don't have to," Pietro said.

Bobby rolled his eyes. "Mahgt as well get this ovah with," Sam said.

"Huzzah!" Bobby, Sam, and the SJMs cheered. Beast came walking out of the cabin…thing and immediately started laughing at them.

**Back In The Cave…**

Kurt walked up to Kitty, and they were SO about to have a Moment…a really Romantic Moment…

And then Remy went and ruined it. Again. By shattering some expensive treasure thing. And he went on shattering treasure things, pretty much oblivious to them.

"We should, like, return to the _Dauntless_," Kitty said to Kurt.

"Your fiancé vill be vanting to know you're safe," Kurt said.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwww," Pietro said offstage.

Remy walked up to Kurt after Kitty left. He was wearing a gold drown, several gold and pearl necklaces, and had that gold…statue…thing tucked under his arm. "If y' were waitin' for de opportune moment," he said. "Dat was it."

Kurt looked after Kitty like a lost puppy. Poor guy… "Now if y'll be so kind," Remy said. "Remy'd be much obliged if y'd drop Remy off at Remy's ship."

"I'm, like, sorry, Remy," Kitty said as they rowed out of the cave. Well, actually, Kurt rowed, Remy sat like a Cajun king with his crown on, and Kitty sat there apologizing.

"Remy got off pretty easy compared to what she could do," Remy said.

"Good point," Kitty said.

**The Hanging!**

Several SJMs drummed snares very formally, although they all looked like they were going to lose it and crack up any minute. Remy stood on the hanging platform, hands, tied, looking a bit depressed.

Ray the Officer Dude started reading off a scroll very boredly. "Remy LeBeau, be it known that you…"

"Captain," Remy said. "Captain Remy LeBeau."

"…For your willful commission of crimes against the crown." Meanwhile, a fuzzy blue boy with a really big fancy hat with a really big fancy feather in it pushed his way through the crowd. "Said crimes being numerous in quantity and sinister in nature. The most egregious of those to be cited herewith. Piracy, smuggling…"

Kitty stood next to Beast and Pietro. "This is, like, totally messed up!" she said.

"Commodore Pietro is bound by the law," Beast said. "As are we all."

"…Impersonating an officer of the Spanish Royal Navy," Ray droned on. "Impersonating a cleric of the Church of England…"

"Oh yeah," Remy said with a grin.

"Sailing under false colors, arson, kidnapping, looting, poaching, brigandage, pilfering, depravity…"

Mystique the Parrot flew onto the flag thingie that Bobby and Sam were holding…and took a crap on Sam's shoulder.

Sam looked down at the bird poo on his shoulder, then glared up at Mystique. "It's because Ah'm a farmboy, isn't it?" he demanded.

"Ew, what have you been eating?" Bobby asked Mystique after glancing at the very runny bird poo.

"Sabey keeps stuffing crackers into my beak," Mystique said.

"They shouldn' be causin' that," Sam said, nodding at his shoulder.

"They're as old as Jamie," Mystique said.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww," Bobby said.

"…Depredation, and general lawlessness. And for these crimes…"

Kurt finally noticed Mystique. "Hey! Vhat's my mother doing here?"

The drumming SJMs stopped drumming and stared at him. "No one told you to stop drumming!" Kurt snapped. They shrugged at each other and continued drumming.

"…You have been sentenced to be, on this day, hung by the neck until dead. May God have mercy on your soul," Ray finished. "Glad that's over."

Kurt walked over to where Kitty, Beast, and Pietro were standing. "Governor Beast, Commodore," he said, then turned to Kitty. "Kitty. I should have told you every day from the moment I met you. I love you." And he turned and left.

"GASP! I **SO** DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!" Pietro yelled. "Wait, did I just say that out loud?"

Beast nodded.

"Well, everyone was thing that anyway," Pietro said.

The drumming SJMs started a drumroll as Evan the Executioner Dude put the noose around Remy's neck. Kurt shoved his way through the crowd toward the hanging platform. Kitty finally noticed Mystique as she flew off.

"Marines," Pietro said, starting forward.

"I, like, can't breathe," Kitty gasped.

No one noticed.

"I said, I, like, can't breathe!" Kitty yelled.

No one noticed.

"I'm about to commit suicide!" Kitty yelled.

No one noticed.

"I'm carrying Kurt's blue fuzzy child!" Kitty yelled.

No one noticed.

"I…hate Pixie Stix?" Kitty tried.

Everyone gasped and stared at her.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN!" Pyro demanded. Actually, he demanded it between sniffing Pixie Stix stolen from Jubilee, so it sounded more like "WHAT (sniff) IS WRONG (sniff sniff) WITH YOU, (snifffffff) WOMAN!" (sniffffff snifffffffff snifffffffff COUGH HACK GASP CHOKE).

Pietro grabbed a Pixie Stick from Pyro. "I'm going in," he said. "Beast, hold her down."

"Wha-" Kitty began, and was immediately tackled and pinned down by Beast while Pietro tried to empty the Pixie Stick into her mouth.

Meanwhile, the hanging resumed. Evan walked over to the edge of the platform to pull the lever, and Kurt shoved his way through the crowd even faster.

"I-" Kittysneezed as Pietro managed to empty the Pixie Stick everywhere but in her mouth. "I was, like, kidding!" she yelled, phasing through both of them.

"What?" Beast said. He glanced over at the Remy, then at Kurt, then back at her. "Oh," he said, rolling his eyes.

And Evan pulled the lever. Kurt yanked out his sword and threw it at the dropping trapdoor, so that it lodged there and Remy had something to stand on. A millimeter lower and it would have been useless.

Kurt yanked out another sword and ran up onto the hanging platform to fence with Evan, who was wielding an axe. After clashing blades a little bit to close to Remy's head, Evan knocked the sword out of Kurt's grip, swung at Kurt, totally missed, and instead cut through the rope tied to the post. Remy dropped to the ground and used the sword to cut through the ropes tying his hands together. Kurt shoved Evan over onto Pietro, did an unnecessary flip off the hanging platform, and the two started running.

Remy threw one end of the rope from his noose to Kurt, and they tripped three SJMs with it. Despite the fact that they just witnessed this happening, two more SJMs did the exact same thing. Then Remy and Kurt ran around opposite ends of a post and yanked hard on the rope, trapping two SJMs there.

And then they were surrounded.

Kurt grabbed a sword from an SJM and held it out against the many rifle blade thingies pointed at them. Remy blew the big feather on Kurt's hat out of his face.

Pietro walked over to Kurt, holding his sword against his. "I thought we might have to endure some ill-conceived escape attempt. But I didn't expect the Pixie Stix."

Kitty paused in downing Pixie Stix with Jubilee. "I WAS, LIKE, KIDDING!" she yelled.

Beast walked up to Kurt. "On our return to Port Royal, I granted you clemency," he said. "And this is how you thank me? By throwing in your lot with him? He's a pirate!"

"And a good man!" Kurt said. "Vell, sometimes," he admitted. "If all I have achieved here is that Evan will earn two pairs of boots instead of one, so be it. But seriously, Evan better not take my boots," he added.

"You forget your place, Wagner," Pietro said.

"It's right here," Kurt replied. "Between you and Remy."

Kitty walked up to stand next to Kurt. "As is mine," she said.

"Kitty!" Beast said. "Lower your weapons," he said to the SJMs. "For goodness sake, put them down!"

And they did.

"So this is where your heart truly lies, then?" Pietro asked Kitty.

"It is," Kitty said.

"THANK ROBBIE!" Pietro yelled. Everyone stared at him. "What?" he demanded. "The Authoress won't let me use the Lord's name in vain."

"And Robbie is your alternative?" Kurt said skeptically.

"Well, he did die four times in one parody," Pietro said.

"Good point," Kurt admitted.

"Well!" Remy said. "Remy's actually feelin' quite good 'bout dis. Remy t'ink we've all arrived at a very special place," he leaned into Beast's face. Spiritually. Ecumenically. Grammatically." He walked over to Pietro. "Remy want y' to know dat Remy was rootin' for y', homme."

"Are you serious?" Pietro demanded.

"Non, pas de tout," Remy said. He walked over to Kitty. "Kitty. It would never have worked between us, chere. Je regrette." Kitty gave him a Riiiiight Look. He turned and walked away mock-sorrowfully. Then he remembered Kurt and turned around again. "Kurt." Kurt turned around. "…Nice hat."

Remy walked on up to the edge of the battlement. "Mes amis," he said. "Dis is de day dat y' will always remember as de day dat-" He tripped and fell over the edge of the battlement. Backwards. And landed in the water with a splash.

"Idiot," Toad said. "He has nowhere to go but back to the noose, yo."

Remy came back up to the surface gasping and spitting out water. Well, it wasn't the most graceful dive. Actually, it wasn't even a dive. "Sail ho!" Logan's voice yelled. Everyone turned to see the _Black Pearl_ not too far off. Remy grinned and started swimming to it.

"Hey, what's your plan of action?" Toad asked Pietro.

"Perhaps on the rare occasion pursuing the right course demands an act of piracy," Beast said. "Piracy itself can be the right course?"

"Mr. Wagner," Pietro said, holding up his sword. "This is a beautiful sword. I would expect the man who made it to show the same care and devotion in every aspect of his life. Except eating Gut Bombs," he added.

"Thanks," Kurt said. "…I think." Pietro turned and walked away.

"Commodore!" Toad said, running after him. "What about Gambit?"

"Well, I think we can afford to give him one day's head start," Pietro said. And he and all the soldiers left.

"So," Beast said to Kitty. "This is the path you've chosen, is it? After all, he is an acrobat."

"No," Kitty said, taking Kurt's fancy hat off. "He's a fuzzy elf." Cue über romantic and clichéd and it's-about-damn-time kiss!

"MY STARS AND GARTERS!" Beast gasped. "I **SO** DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!"

**The End!**

* * *

**(1)** – "My god, you've gotten fat." Please tell me you know who she is. Hehehe…Brad Bird rocketh!

**(2)** – Dat's français for _yeah_.

**(3)** – And you don't even want to hear the rest of it. But seriously, that's a wee bit of my rant on the movie **Troy** – only with a lot more like's and yeah's and you know's and totally's and dude's…wow, I never realized just how much I sound like Kitty – which sucked SO bad. I still don't get how people can like that movie but claim that **A Knight's Tale** was historically inaccurate – like it was meant to be taken literally! They used a Nike sign on the armor, had vendors selling duck and beer at the jousts, and did the "We Will Rock You" thing! Although I suppose that is the same sort of people that say that **Guess Who** is racist against whites…

**(4)** – Not as great as "But why is de rum gone?", but I love this line too.

**(5)** – Oh, the hiiiiills are aliiiiiiive with the sound of MUSIC! Vive la vie de bohem! (**The Moulin Rouge**)

**(6)** – Doctor Evil is SO MUCH COOLER than Austin Powers. The quote (and the bomb) was from **Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me**, in the scene when Dr. Evil demands 100 billion from the Prez.

**(7) **– That wasfrom **Austin Powers in Goldmember**.

**(8)** – That one was actually from the Disney Channel TV show **Lizzie McGuire**. It was in the episode when Kate smashes the head of the first Principal or something ("Hey you kids, cut that out!") and Lizzie's debating over whether to squeal on her or not. Gordo was suggesting she move to Canada and get a job as a lumberjack. But the really scary part is, I know this all off the top of my head.

**(9)** – That is actually how my 8th grade Pre-Algebra teacher taught my class how to remember the difference between when x equals a number on the graph and y equals a number. It's not exactly the most comforting way to remember, but that's seriously the only way I remember the difference now!

**(10) **– Wow, I'm doing a lot of these. That was adapted from **The Emperor's New Groove**, an über funny animated movie! Except Yzma was yelling at the soldiers to go after Llama!Cuzco and Pacha, and then the soldier dude said something like, "Hey, I just got turned into a cow, can I go home now?" Which, considering the dude was a GUY, must be pretty disturbing. If you haven't seen it, I pity you. It has David Spade (**Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star**, Capitol One Commercials)AND John Goodman (Fred from **The Flinstones **– the live movie, Sulley from **Monsters, Inc.**, dude, you should know him) AND Eartha Kitt (Madame Zeroni from **Holes, **and I think she was the original Catwoman or something) AND Patrick Warburton (Buzz from **Buzz Lightyear of Star Command,** Mr. Barkin from **Kim Possible**)!

Hahaha, no that wasn't the end! There's always a post-parody chappie, you should know that! Click on, people, click on!


	10. Post Parody

**..: Post Parody :..**

DISCLAIMER: "Ha-ha, I'm FIVE days older than you! You're still the baby of us all!"

* * *

"Is tha parody ovah?" Rogue said.

"Yeah," Jubilee said, still downing Pixie Stix. "Why?"

"Because mah brothah and my roommate are makin' out on tha ceilin'," Rogue said, pointing up.

Jubilee looked up. "Ah," she said.

Kurt and Kitty paused in their ceiling mack session to say in unison, "Don't deny it 'til you've tried it." Then they went back to business. **(1)**

Rouge looked around. "Hey, where is everyone?" she asked. Jubilee shrugged.

Robbie popped up out of nowhere, stumbling around. "Wow," he said. "Dying four times in one parody is fun!"

"Where is everyone?" Rogue asked him.

"No clue," Robbie said.

And then Remy, Pyro, Bobby, Ray, Tabby, Amara, Logan, Ororo, Evan, Scott, Jamie, X-23, Rahne, Jean, Sam, Pietro, Lance, Toad, Fred, Wanda, and Forge popped up out of nowhere and fell on them.

Well, actually, they all fell on Robbie.

And then Kitty and Kurt fell off the ceiling and landed on everyone.

"Um, is Robbie dead again?" Jamie asked as they all climbed off Robbie.

Sam pried open one of Robbie's eyes. "Nah, he's fahne."

"What are we all doing here?" Pietro demanded. "I just had to play the bad guy!"

"Well, actually, your dad played the bad guy," Jean pointed out.

"Shut up!" Pietro snapped.

I hate to admit it, but she's right. But relax, you're just an extra.

"I'm an extra?" Pietro demanded.

Hey, it's better than being an ugly fat loser with one lame line.

"Good point," Pietro said.

Oh yeah, Jean, you know you're said ugly fat loser with one lame line, right?

"What!"

Oh wait, you **might** be an ancestor, too.

"Oh, great," Jean muttered.

Well, here's the full cast list:

Director – Forge (yes, again, but he barely did anything for MotC)

_Mulan – Rogue_

_Shang – Remy LeBeau / Gambit_

_Mushu – St. John Allerdyce / Pyro_

_Yao – Bobby Drake / Iceman_

_Ling – Ray Crisp / Berzerker_

_Chien-Po – Robbie DaCosta / Sunspot_

Mei – Jubilation Lee / Jubilee (JUBBY)

Ting-Ting – Tabby Smith / Boom-Boom (TABAY)

Su – Amara Aquilla / Magma (AMARTO)

_Grandmother Fa – Kitty Pryde / Shadowcat_

_Fa Zhou – Logan Howlett / Wolverine_

_Mother Fa – Ororo Munroe / Storm_

_Great Ancestor – Kurt Wagner / Nightcrawler_

_The Emperor – Evan Daniels / Spyke_

Mongol Lord – Scott Summers / Cyclops

Mongol Lord's Son – Jamie Madrox / Multiple

_Matchmaker – Jean Grey_

Ancestors (?):

X-23

Pietro Maximoff / Quicksilver

Jean Grey

Scot Summers / Cylcops

Sam Guthrie / Cannonball

Rahne Sinclair / Wolfsbane

Evan Daniels / Spyke

Road Bandits (?):

Lance Alvers / Avalanche

Pietro Maximoff / Quicksilver

Todd Tolensky / Toad

Fred Dukes / Blob

Evan Daniels / Spyke

Little Girls (.):

X-23

Rahne Sinclair / Wolfsbane

Wanda Maximoff / Scarlet Witch

Jubilation Lee / Jubilee

Tabitha Smith / Boom-Boom

Amara Aquilla / Magma

Kitty Pryde / Shadowcat

Jean Grey

Ororo Munroe / Storm

(?) – I'm not sure how many Ancestors there are, so for now I just assigned 7. Likewise with the Road Bandits, I'm sure there's more, but for now there's just the Brotherhood. Well, plus Evan. If I need more I'll take from the Morlocks first.

(.) – Okay, there are a LOT. But since they kinda split into 3 groups (I think), I assigned nine for now, with X-23 being the first little girl. And don't worry about the ages, Forge's gonna help me with that.

So, whatcha think of the cast list? If you're iffy on the pairings with Roberto and Ray, let me know! I ship JUBBY and RAHM, though, so if you don't like those, tough cookies. And I'm not 100 percent positive on the extras. They'll probably change when I get to the part in the parody. Oh yeah, and let me know if you're iffy on anything else, too. Except anyone in italics, cuz they were those people in X Mulan.

Scott raised his hand. "Yes, do I **have** to be the Mongol Lord?"

SHUT UP YOU DON'T GET A SAY IN THIS!

Scott put his hand back down. "Damn."

* * *

**(1)** – From the ficcie **Shall We Dance?** by **EE's Skysong**. Chapter 4: The rules of the universe, by R LeBeau. About halfway down the page. The 46th paragraph. Well, 48th if you count the scene-change lines. 59th if you count the ANs and replies. Yeah.

I have no clue when I'll have X Mulan 2 up by. Next week at the latest. I hope. Review, please!


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